


Life, as fragile as tissue

by chlolou1208



Category: Dead To Me (TV)
Genre: F/F, Karma - Freeform, Protective Charlie, Slow Burn, Soft Jen, cancer au, deathbed confessions (kinda), judy is sick
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-16
Updated: 2020-10-13
Packaged: 2021-03-06 00:07:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 61,433
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25934125
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chlolou1208/pseuds/chlolou1208
Summary: Cancer AU. Post season 2.Judy falls ill and the Harding’s lives are turned upside down. Featuring soft Jen, emotionally damaged (bless her) Judy and the two darling Harding boys. (There will be no dying in this fic :) )
Relationships: Jen Harding and Judy Hale
Comments: 89
Kudos: 91





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! This is going to be a long ride, I’ll update every day for the first few chapters, so I hope you’ll go on this ride with me. 
> 
> I’m not a doctor, but I’ve done a bit of research around Judy’s illness so I hope it’s as believable as possible, please comment anything that you believe is false info or anything like that.
> 
> “Cancerous tumours. Cancer... It’s like she’s trapped in a black hole and the doctor is pulling her inside it, screaming words at her like ‘cancer’ and ‘biopsy’ and ‘death’ and then Jen and the boys are on the other side watching as she’s dragged into the hole forever.”

It feels amazingly safe and surreal to be sat here with Jen and her two boys, her family, whom she’s almost lost more than once already. They’re watching tv outside, huddling under warm blankets beneath the pitch black night sky that’s dotted with glistening stars, Henry and Charlie sit on the separate chairs, going back and forth with each other as they verse one another on Mario Kart on the Nintendo switch placed in between them on the coffee table. Their laughs are louder than the tv, playing an episode of Facts of Life (of course), but neither herself or Jen seem to care, just happy to have their boys here and safe with them. Judy feels Jen slip further into unconsciousness, her head leaning more heavily on Judy’s shoulders as she lays against her side under the shared blanket. Judy turns her head to press a kiss on blonde hair and Jen stirs sleepily.

“You’re warm” She murmurs, and in her sleepy state she moves even closer to Judy, nuzzling her cheek in her shoulder.

Judy smiles. “And you’re tired” she states.

Jen scoffs and shakes her head, “tired? Me? Nah…I’m just resting my eyes”

“Of course you are” Judy scoffs a laugh and begins smoothing Jen’s hair soothingly.

Jen falls asleep before the end of the episode and Judy has to help her walk up the stairs. She’s been working herself crazy these past few weeks after not working at all while being stuck in the hospital for almost a fortnight and then on bed rest for a month. Judy’s hours were cut at work so she’s been home a lot more, now able to pick up Henry from school, even Charlie sometimes because he frequently leaves his new car at home as he hates having to pay for the parking at school. Judy’s new availability at home meant Jen had been non stop on the go, selling houses here and there and working to get her business on track, she had to compete with Lorna’s establishment after all so she had to get her name out there. Judy had helped with the marketing side, Jen’s heart had warmed when she’d created these little leaflets and business cards, with hand drawn patterns on to add some appeal.

Her backs still sore, she’s reminded of the fact when she slams a little too hardly into the bed after Judy’s set her down there. The brunette mutters a “sorry” and goes to get a glass of water with her tablets. She’s still taking painkillers at night because it still hurts to sleep on her back sometimes, but most nights she’s out like a baby, Judy tucked up beside her.

“You should start taking it easy ya know, weren’t we planning a vacay?” Judy says, climbing into bed and lighting the candle on the bedside table, it’s a lavender one that she’s assured Jen will help her sleep. It surprisingly did.

“Yeah before we got fucking smashed up in a car by that dick who just left us there to die” Jen yawns, her head resting on her hands as she turns to lay and face Judy.

“Well the boys break up for summer next week right?”

Jen hums.

“Well, maybe for the summer we can book an all inclusive hotel down in Europe? Maybe Spain? Portugal…?”

“Hmmm…” Jen smiles sleepily, her eyes closed. “I could really go for a week in Barcelona right now”

Judy nods, turns the lamp off and slides down to lay beside Jen. “Yeah?”

“Yeah!” Jen says as enthusiastically as she can while half asleep.

“Great!”

The two sleep soundly that night dreaming of sand, sun, sea and sex on the beach (the cocktails obviously).

*

It’s two days later and they’ve told the boys about the holiday they’re planning, both were excited, even the ever punctual holy harmonist Henry, “ _I guess I can miss a few rehearsals of holy harmonies for the beach…”._ Charlie had already been surfing the web looking at places to stay, he’s sent Judy links to around 3 hotels so far and she’s loving how enthusiastic he is about spending time with them all.

Judy’s at work, her phones buzzing in her pocket and she pauses the painting she’s working on to check. There’s a chain of texts from Jen.

**Jen (10:35)** : Hey I just found a few of your magic rocks in the back of my car …?

**Jen (10:46)** : This couple are fucking crazy and I might end up punching them soon

**Jen (10:47)** : Kill. Me

Judy laughs and quickly puts her paint brush down to reply.

**Judy (10:51)** : Hey! That’ll be because I bought some new CRYSTALS from that quirky new store along the beach, and please don’t punch anyone, remember your breathing and counting. J

Judy doesn’t have time to put her phone away before there’s another ping, she’s smiling before even reading it.

**Jen (10:51)** : Oh, well I’ll take them to the guesthouse when I get home. And FYI I managed to refrain from punching anyone yet

**Jen (10:52)** : Gtg because there’s a bold headed chubby guy shouting me to ask about the property for the tenth time, c you at home

**Judy (10:53)** : Have a good day <3

It’s half an hour later when Judy’s phone pings again, it’s just Jen replying a quick ‘you too’ to her last message, and Judy’s beaming and feeling more positive about the painting that she’s getting a little frustrated with. The blending of the colours on the hair wasn’t really working out and she’s pretty sure if she wets the paper anymore it’ll tear. She sighs, puts down her brushes and decided to wait for them to dry.

She’s walking round the corner to check if any of the residents need help when she almost has to bow down and collapse on the floor because suddenly there’s a sharp, gnawing pain in her stomach. She clutches at the area that aches, her eyes tearing. She lets out a small cry and the guy who Abe was kinda friends with, Rick, came walking her to her, placing a hand on her shoulder gently.

“Judy? Are you alright?” He asks, his walking stick still in his other hand as he tries to help her to a comfy sofa chair nearby.

Judy sits down and bends over. She smiles though up at Rick, “I’m okay, just cramps, thank you for asking!” Her voice sounding forced and pained despite the cheery tone she’s trying to convey.

“Should I get someone? Maybe that nice friend of yours…”

“No! No…” Judy stands, her posture slumped forward because the pain is just still so much. It feels as if something is eating her insides and then spitting them out again for good measure. Or, it’s finally the inch of evil inside her soul that’s leaking out and poisoning her, karma finally claiming her heart. “I’m okay! I’ll be fine in a second..”

Rick looks a little unsure so Judy stands straight despite the strain in her stomach it causes and walks back to her painting, picking up the brush and trying to steady her shaking hands to continue. She looks over her shoulder at Rick who’s still looking at her concernedly, she waves him off with a shrug and a smile and carries on painting. The gnawing stops after a while but then every so often it surges through her stomach, her hand flying to it ever time and her eyes rolling at the smudges that’s now on her painting.

When she arrives home that night, she tells Jen that she’s working on a painting in the guesthouse and that she’d have dinner later on, Jen nods frowning but agrees to leave her some food in the fridge after they’d eaten. Jen had been cooking a lot more recently after Judy had been teaching her, she’d told the brunette how she never really had the chance to learn in between hospital visits and chemo sessions, and then she’d always had someone else to do the cooking. Judy had showed her how to make a few dishes though, and Judy knew that every time she suggested that Jen should make one of the dishes she’d almost perfected Jen was proud of herself when they’d eat it later on and the boys would be smiling and plates would be empty.

Tonight Jen’s made lasagne, a meat free one just for her, and so she feels awful when after the first spoonful she’s running to the downstairs bathroom to throw it back up again. She’s thankful that Jen’s upstairs showering, not wanting the other woman to worry about her. She’s just wiping her mouth after throwing up for the second time, hugging the toilet seat, when Charlie knocks on the door and asks if she’s okay.

“I’m fine Charlie!”

He seems to believe other wise because he storms in with his arms folded, he’s looking down at her worriedly though.

“I mean I know moms no chef but her lasagne wasn’t that bad” He says, sitting down on the cold tiled floor across from her.

Her heart warms at the sweet gesture despite the urging sickness she feels. “It’s nice to see you acknowledging your mothers developing cooking skills” She says, and then breathes in slowly through her nose because it feels as though she’s going to vomit for the third time in the last 5 minutes.

“Seriously are you okay? Because you don’t fucking look it”

“Language” she says before hurling yet again.

“I guess that’s a no…I’ll go get you some water and like maybe a mint or something…” he’s out and back in the room with a glass and a packet of mentos in hand. He hands her the glass and then takes it back from her when she’s drank some, she pops a mint in her mouth before she starts speaking again.

“Thank you” she wipes her mouth again.

“Maybe I’ve just caught a sickness bug from someone at work” She says. She starts to stand and Charlie’s there helping her up with his arm around her waist, steadying the glass in his other hand. She leans on him slightly and it worries her how week she feels. He helps her to the couch and asks if she needs anything else, she declines with another few ‘thank yous’ and then closes her eyes and rests her head against a pillow that’s balanced on the arm of the chair and she feels as if she could sleep for a week. Longer even. When she wakes, Jen’s sitting next to her, stroking her hair softly while watching tv on low volume.

*

It’s after almost two weeks of spontaneous stomach pains that she tries to downplay to Jen because she can’t have Jen worrying about her and not sleeping again, and a few days of on and off vomiting and feeling constantly drained, that she calls and books herself an appointment at the doctors. She’s pretty sure she’s just caught a flu from work but unfortunately the drugs Charlie _used to_ deal (he probably still does let’s face it, he affords to fill his car tank without a job so…) don’t target illnesses so she’ll have to get some antibiotics maybe from the doctor.

It’s the morning of her doctors appointment, Jen’s been urging her out of the door for the last ten minutes because she’s sure that one of the roads is blocked so she’ll have to drive the long way round. Jen’s been helping her with how she’s been feeling lately, she’s gotten her anti sickness tablets, a candle that’s apparently supposed to help with preventing the need to vomit, and she’s been reading up on ways to relax and help Judy feel better.

She’s shoving a dry piece of toast her way now along with a glass of water. “Here eat this, and…” she walks round the other side of the counter and then dumps Judy’s keys in front of her. “Here are your keys…” Jen’s rushing in the kitchen to pack her work files together and then she’s heading out of the door with half her jacket hanging off.

“Text me about what the doctors say okay?”

Judy nods, then feels Jen press a quick kiss to her cheek and then shouts “have a nice day!” then sees her dash to the car. She hopes she puts her seatbelt on before she sets off instead of half way down the road.

Judy managed to stomach the dry toast and water, and then she’s preoccupied with making sure Henry and Charlie are awake and fed, it’s just cereal this morning and neither protest or complain, Charlie even helps wash up. She makes sure they’re settled before grabbing a light cardigan and heading to the car.

She’s not waiting long thankfully when she arrives, and she’d manage to strike up a conversation with a mother and a cute three year old in the waiting room.

“Judy Hale?”

She waves goodbye to the pair and quickly walks with the doctor, greeting him enthusiastically as they head to a room further down the corridor.

“…so yeah, then we got hit by a car but it’s okay because we were fine…we’ll Jen wasn’t fine but she is now, the other night she-“

Judy’s basically telling the doctor her life story when he asks her about her symptoms, if she’s found any new allergies, if she’s on any medication…etc.

“Oh!” She giggles. “Sorry, I’ve just been getting these really painful stomach cramps recently, and I’ve just been vomiting like all the time, I even feel-“ she blows cool air up to her bangs and fans her face, “woo, I even feel a little sick now…” she grimaces and holds a hand over her mouth. The paleness passes over her face and soon enough she’s vomiting in the bucket the doctors shoved her way quickly.

He asks to do some bloods and then examines her stomach.

“Wow, cold hands warm heart huh” Judy says, flinching at the doctors hands moving around on her stomach.

“I guess so…” The doctor smiles and continues pressing on her stomach. He has a frown on his face as he presses over a certain area and Judy’s eyes are flicking up to him worriedly.

Judy remains silent as the doctor types furiously on his computer and then comes back to feel her stomach again. She’s reading the posters on the wall, she’s just finished glancing over the third one about type 2 diabetes when the doctor snaps her out of her daze.

“Ms Hale?”

Judy turns her head, “oh! Sorry, I just didn’t know all those facts, it’s very interesting to read about, how do you even remember all those blood types?” She’s rambling, she knows she does it when she’s nervous or worried, Jen’s pointed it out to her a few times.

“Years of studying…” he laughs. “And…I’m a little bit concerned about the swelling in your stomach so I’m going to send you for some scans..”

“Swelling-sorry!” She interrupts then apologies immediately after.

“There’s an area around your abdomen that seems to be bloated…and since you’ve mentioned the sickness and stomach discomfort, it’s best to send you for a pelvic scan and a biopsy, hopefully whatever we find there won’t be cancerous and-“

“Cancerous!”

“There’s a chance that there may be cancerous rumours on or around your ovaries, but there’s also a huge chance that it’s just a cyst, these tests will help us determine which one it is” he states. He folds his hands together and looks at her head on.

“I know this is a lot to take in, but it’s just precautionary at this stage…” He proceeds to hand her leaflet, which she grabs and stuffs in her bag.

She’s starring at him one minute, her heart stuttering almost as she tries to process what she’s just heard. _Cancerous tumours. Cancer._ She’s out of the door before he can book her a time slot for a scan, and she holds her breath and her tears until she reaches the car. She slings her bag inside and the flood gates open, her eyes are pouring and it’s like she can’t breathe. It’s like she’s trapped in a black hole and the doctor is pulling her inside it, screaming words at her like ‘cancer’ and ‘biopsy’ and ‘death’ and then Jen and the boys are on the other side watching as she’s dragged into the hole forever. She shakes her head. The leaflets in her bag are the only reminder of the possibility of what could be growing inside of her, she’ll throw them away when she’s home. She’ll take sickness tablets and rest until she’s better, because there’s no way she has cancer. She can’t have it, because Jen needs her and the boys need her. Without the scan and the tests and blood works, she won’t have anything.

Shaking her head, she starts the car up, knuckles turning white as she grips the steering wheel like a lifeline. She circles round the block twice before pulling up to the house, in that time she’s plastered on the biggest smile and dried the tear stains on her cheeks.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Jen, do you ever think about death?”
> 
> “Fuck no that depressing as shit...”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Third chapter will be up later on, if you have any requests for fluffy scenes, family scenes, angst scenes please comment them!

She’s woken abruptly by Henry coming into the bedroom, asking something about flour and eggs...? She’s not sure but she has to wake herself up quickly to answer his questions, his voice carrying loudly through the room.

“…but Charlie says it’s better to use two eggs-“

“I can make you guys breakfast!” She interrupts, already swinging her leg from under the covers. She figures he’s talking about breakfast anyway, and him and Charlie are arguing about how much eggs to use in an omelet.

“No! Charlie and I are making you breakfast in bed, moms orders” Henry says. “So two or one egg?”

_Jen’s orders?_ _Breakfast in bed? Does she know something…no. No. The text sent after the doctors yesterday was convincing enough, right?_ ‘ ** _Doctor said everything’s fine, just a little under the weather and to keep taking anti sickness tablets, see you soon x’_**

Judy leans back against the headboard, feeling a wave of sickness wash over her but trying desperately to not let it show to the youngest Harding, who was _very_ perceptive and would probably know if something was wrong.

“Judy?”

“Oh! It’s okay to use one, but two is more filling” She says.

“Hmm, okay” He slips out of the room, yelling ‘breakfast is on its way’ and she hears him talking to Charlie downstairs.

She closes her eyes and uses this technique she’d looked up on the internet to stop nausea, she’s pressing a spot on her hand, massaging it as slowly breathing in and out, resisting the urge to run to the toilet. She flinches when she hears a crash downstairs, but Charlie shouts ‘everything’s fine’ so she goes back to trying desperately not to vomit everywhere. Especially on fresh sheets.

Charlie walks through the door carrying a tray, Henry behind him with a mug, and he lays it down carefully on her lap. Judy’s eyes widen, probably a little over dramatically to please Henry, but she looks back and forth between the two boys and drops her jaw.

“Oh my! This looks amazing” Internally she’s already feeling sick at the smell of the bacon and strong cheese that they’ve added to the omelet, and she knows she’ll not be able to keep it down, but there’s no way she’s going to wipe the proud smiles from their faces so she tucks in straight away.

She moans, it did taste amazing, “wow, this is so good thank you so much guys you really didn’t have to” she says around another mouthful, her stomachs already gurgling.

Charlie shrugs, “we kinda did, mom would have killed us if not” He sits down on the bed.

“Well it’s very sweet” Judy says. “And you should be proud of your handy work” She’s almost finished with the omelet, the chamomile tea placed on her bedside table helps her keep it down a little longer.

Charlie cracks his knuckles, “oh trust me, I am”

Henry slaps his arm. “We”

“I did most of it-“

“Um no you didn’t even know how to…”

She hears the two lightly arguing between them as they head back downstairs leaving her to it. As soon as they’re out of the room she sprints to the bathroom and releases everything she’s just eaten, she really enjoyed it while it lasted, she supposes. She sighs, and repeats the familiar routine of wiping her mouth dry, brushing her teeth and then climbing back into bed to clutch her stomach.

*

Jen bursts through the door later on, wine in hand and a huge grin on her face. “Hey I’m home!” She shouts, jumping a little when she sees Judy already starring at her from the living room couch.

“Hi…what’re you all chipper about?” Judy asks curiously. She’s wrapped in a blanket and nursing a mug of tea, she hasn’t moved in a while and her legs were dead but she hasn’t felt sick in a while so maybe she was getting better?

“I’m all chipper because guess who just fucking got a two and a half million dollar commission and guess who’s taking some time off working because she fucking can?”

Judy laughs. “Hmm I dunno…is it you?” She jokes.

“Of course, looks like I haven’t lost my touch…” Jen’s already pouring the wine and replacing her mug with a glass which she clinks with her own before sitting down.

“Where are the boys?”

“Cinema, they asked to see this new movie and I said yes, hope that’s okay?”

Jen sits back and gets comfortable, kicking her heels off as she does. “Sure sure, means we have time to properly celebrate…” she’s already pouring herself another glass of wine after downing the first. She snaps to Judy then though, “actually” she takes the wine back off of her and replaces it again with the mug she had before. “You better not be drinking, I don’t want you getting a headache or feeling more sick” She says, ignoring her own glass for the time being to see what’s on tv.

“Yes mom” Judy jokes and sips from her mug.

“And thank you, for telling the boys to make me breakfast in bed, it was really nice” Judy says.

Jen smiles at her. “I’m glad. How’re you feeling anyway?” She ask, her hand rubbing on Judy’s shoulder and then adjusting the silk pyjamas she’s wearing.

“Better” She only half lies, she’s feeling better than this morning anyway.

“Good, maybe those tablets are finally working” Jen takes another sip of wine and then settles back to watch tv.

“Hope so”. _Huh._

That night while Jen’s lightly snoring next to her, she swears she doesn’t but Judy has heard otherwise, she’s laying awake and starring up at the ceiling. She thinks of the pain she feels in her stomach and how karma is creeping up on her gradually, eating her alive. She thinks of Jen, blissfully unaware of the potential disease claiming her, squeezing the life out of her day by day, but then again she puts that down to karma, maybe even guilt finally catching up with her for everything she’s done bad in her life; her mom, Ted, Steve.

She feels Jen’s warm breaths against her neck and clings to that feeling like an anchor, holding her in place instead of letting her drift away never to return. Blonde hair tickles her arm and she carefully moves it out of the way, twirling the wavy ends around her finger before she lets go. The love she feels deep inside of herself battles the aching, and for a moment all she feels is butterflies in her stomach when she feels Jen’s leg warm against her own, when Jen nuzzles further into the crook of her neck.

_Jen wouldn’t cope without her. Who’d be there to hold her like this…keep her safe and warm in the dead of night if Judy-_

_No._

She shakes her head, the petrifying thoughts blurring as she hugs Jen tightly, closing her eyes and willing herself to sleep.

*

It’s 1:30 am and Jen and Judy are down at the beach, a blanket draped over them and pillows beneath their heads as they lay next to each other, the sound of the sea hitting up against the rocks soothing them almost to sleep. They’re talking about constellations, apparently Jen has been into all the astronomy shit when she was a kid, Judy’s surprised to say the least.

She’s guiding Judy’s pointing finger, holding her arm up to point out three stars and draw an imaginary triangle with the stars as corners. “That’s a Summer Triangle…”, Judy listens intently. “That ones Altair..” she points at the highest star, and then at the other two, “vega and Deneb”.

“I can’t believe you know that…”

Jen laughs. “I used to research about it, when um…when my mom was sick she’d tell me that when she, ya know died..” Judy reaches for her hand. “She’d always be there, looking down on us and the stars are people who’ve passed before…” Judy nods along. _Maybe she’d be a star someday._ _Maybe sooner than-no._

“Wow, that’s a cool way to look at it” she says, head turning on the pillow they shared to look at Jen, who’s already looking at her with glistening eyes.

“Maybe…Imagine Steve and Ted looking down on us now, ha…it’d be a massive fuck you to them to see us just laying here together without a care in the world” Jen jokes, they’re at a point where yeah, they can joke about the men they’ve accidentally and on purposely killed because it meant they were here, together.

“They’re probably rolling in their graves” Judy adds.

“Hope the ground is fucking lumpy” Jen scoffs.

Judy laughs a little.

“Jen, do you ever think about death?”

“Fuck no that depressing as shit, why do you?”

_Yes, a lot more now because I’m probably dying soon and leaving you behind and I can’t bare it._

“Sometimes” she admits.

“Well don’t because you aren’t going anywhere, we’ve still got a lot more mayhem within us yet” Jen laughs and bumps her shoulder with Judy’s.

“…yeah” _maybe._

Jen shivers, the cold air finally getting to her, and then a few moments later they’re heading back to Jen’s car and driving back home.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “... but if you do then it’s only gonna get worse and I don’t know if we can handle losing another parent”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those of you scared to read this fic, I’ll state now Judy is NOT dying. I couldn’t do that to myself or anyone reading. 
> 
> I’m still figuring out how Jen’s gonna be told, but I think I have an idea. 
> 
> I hope you all like the relationship between Charlie and Judy in this, I think the show misses out on the scenes these two could have together. 
> 
> :) hope u enjoy this chapter

He’s been keeping his eye on her lately, ever since he found her vomiting uncontrollably in the bathroom she’s been different, he can tell whatever is wrong with her is taking it’s toll by the way his mom makes dinner a lot more often than usual and the way Judy often has to excuse herself to be sick or grab a heating pad to calm her stomach while they’re having family movie night. Charlie’s been less of a prick lately too so there’s that.

He asks his mom about the doctors appointment Judy had and she tells him nothing was wrong, but then he’d watched the agony in her face when she felt more pain in her stomach and was even more confused than before. He’s been surfing the internet typing in her symptoms and he gives up on that because it could be anything from appendicitis’s to _monthly pains_ , he thanks god he isn’t a woman.

He’s home alone this afternoon even though he was supposed to be going to Tyler’s, his so called friend who bails on him for his girlfriend, so he decides to ever so carefully raid Judy’s weed stash that he’ll share with his friends at the party he’s going to on Friday. He runs into the guesthouse, covering his head with a jacket because it’s pouring it down with rain and maybe even hail with the way it hits hardly on the roof. He’s careful to not knock over Judy’s latest painting, it’s a portrait of his mom and he’ll tease her about it later. Crouching down, he reaches under the bed and into the little wooden box Judy keeps it there. She really needs a better hiding spot, although he thinks she leaves it there on purpose for him to occasionally make use of.

_Fuck. Trust Judy and mom to have smoked it all on their fucking little trips to the beach._

He sighs, and shoves it back under the bed, accidentally crunching some paper that’s slipped under there which he takes out and unfolds ready to place nearly back there, get rid of the evidence and all. It’s a leaflet he realises.

**‘Ovarian cancer; the ins and outs of living with illness’**

There’s another one.

‘ **Preparing for a biopsy 101!’**

And then loads of little cards about support groups for those living with cancer and dealing with sickness.

He drops the leaflets and they scatter on the floor. There’s this gut wrenching pain that he hasn’t felt since the morning of finding out about his dads hit and run, it’s painful and cruel and it feels like he can’t breathe. He feels his eyes tearing up as he reads the words over and over again. He gulps and takes his phone from his pocket, finger hovering over the dial button next to Judy’s number. It’s like her face in the little contact number icon is taunting him, picturing Judy’s wide smile next to his own; he remembers Jen taking it when he’d passed his driving test and gotten his license, his car peeking out behind them in the corner of the circular photo.

Taking a shaky breath he stands up quickly pocketing the leaflets and heading to the car.

_He needs to see Judy._

_*_

Everyone’s gathering together for Judy’s art class, they’re doing sponge painting today and most are enthusiastic about it. There’s chatter amongst some of the residents as they paint there A3 sized papers with various sponges and colours. Judy’s walking around looking at their work and advising them on how to blend better when she sees Charlie storm in, almost knocking over an old lady as he does. It reminds her of when Jen had come to her work the first time, a small smile as she recalls their hug shared upstairs along with many glasses of whisky. She snaps out of her daze and excuses herself from her talk about the weather with Julie and Samantha to go and see what’s up with Charlie.

“Hey! What a surprise, what are you doing here?” Judy asks, guiding him off to the side.

He shrugs off her shoulder. “When were you gonna tell us huh..? Your funeral? When your will came through in the post! I can’t even-“

Judy shushes him, takes his hand and pulls him into the small storage room. “Charlie, tell me what’s going on, what do you mean-“

“I saw them Judy! The fucking leaflets” he has to stop because his voice cracks and there’s a huge lump in his throat. He’s so fucking angry but so fucking upset at the same time. He can’t lose another person in his life, he doesn’t think Henry or his mother will cope without the fucking ray of sunshine Judy is. She’s practically the glue in their family now.

Judy’s heart nearly stops, she’s clawing her nails into her palms to ground herself. _He knows. Stupid stupid, of course he’d find the leaflets there, she should have hidden them better, or even just ducking threw them away!_

“Charlie I don’t know anything I-“

“How can you not-“

Judy feels a piercing ache again and bends forward, arms hugging her waist. Charlie’s holding her up quickly and pulling the chair out for her to sit on.

“Please Judy just tell me, I’m old enough to know okay? I’m not 5!”

Judy sighs. _He’s right._ He isn’t 5 and he isn’t a baby, but he’s still her boy, hers and Jen’s, and telling him will probably hurt him so much, she just doesn’t know if she can lie to him anymore.

A beat passes.

“I may have a type of-“ she chokes up. “Ovarian cancer” she practically whispers the words.

He hears her say it aloud and suddenly it’s a lot realer than it was when he’d found the leaflets.

“I haven’t had the tests done, I chickened out and ran from the doctors” Judy admits, pain lingering in her voice.

Charlie nods, and then nods again as if processing everything.

“Char…”

He looks up.

“Your mom doesn’t know, and you can’t tell her…please” she says, eyes looking straight at him.

“But you’re gonna right, you’ll tell her”

Judy nods. “Soon”

Charlie seems to accept it, and then he’s lunging forward and pulling Judy into a bone crushing hug. Judy releases the breath she’d been holding, it comes out in shudders and sobs, and she squeezes him back, breathing in the familiar scent of home.

Charlie watches the small mouthfuls she takes in at dinner, and pretends to ‘steal’ a few wedges from her plate so she doesn’t have as many to finish. Judy slaps his hand lightly and then squeezes it under the table. He understands. Jen and Henry are talking about some mom at school who thinks she’s basically a member of the royal family. He hears Henry say that the kid of theirs, Khloe, is probably the biggest snob in the whole school. They move on then to the topic of their vacation, Charlie panics because how can he be excited about something when Judy’s probably slowly deteriorating right next to them. The promise of future fun at a spanish beach seem unrealistic to him.

“…we _have_ to get somewhere with a pool though, and a water park! Right Charlie?” Henry asks him and he jolts out of his own mind to reply a not that convincing, ‘yeah sure’.

“Ugh..” Jen moans. “I can’t _wait_ be just relaxing on a sun lounger by the pool” she takes a drink of the wine. “Christopher’s so jealous of us, he’s been begging Alan to go away for a while now and he’s refusing to leave Adele in a kennel” Jen laughs around a spoonful of food.

“We can take care of Adele!” Henry pipes up. Then Judy’s agreeing and Charlie’s confused as to how she can continue talking about the future when she knows she may or may not be ill.

“I wish we had a dog…” Henry’s trailing off then and Jen’s already silencing his request before he even asks.

He helps with the clearing the table after they’ve eaten, Henry’s in front of the tv with Judy while he and Jen wash up.

“Hey thanks for this”

He takes a plate from Jen and dries it half heartedly. “It’s fine, Judy’s not well so…”

Jen nods. “Yeah, I was thinking of doing something for her to cheer her up, any suggestions?”

“Umm I dunno” _Judy’s really not gonna be wanting any fucking huge surprise parties or anything,_ he thinks. “Maybe just something small because ya know, she’s like sick all the fucking time…”

Jen nods finishing the last of the dishes and then drying her hands, they’ve gone crinkly at the finger tips from the water.

“Why is that? It’s like one minute she’s fine and the next she’s ill for hours on end” he dares to ask. One thing he doesn’t get is why his mom hadn’t pushed her about this, hadn’t asked her if something else was wrong. They share everything and he believes they may as well be married so…

“Doctors said she’s just a little under the weather lately, I think it’s all the fucking shit she’s had to put up with in her life finally catching up to her” she admits.

“What shit?”

“Doesn’t matter…” and it didn’t. Steve, her asshole mother, didn’t matter anymore. Not when Jen had vowed the second she’d been given a second chance by Perez that she was gonna spend every fucking day of her life being the best person to Judy, and hopefully erasing all the hurt she’s ever felt. “What matters is we need to help her get better, so I’m gonna come up with an idea and you’re gonna be free this Saturday”

He sighs and nods.

*

Jen’s idea was to buy a few of Judy’s favourite roc-crystals, she corrected herself when in the store asking where to find them, and plan a little pamper day. She’d bought face masks, eye masks, lotion and a mix of different oils. She’s rummaged through her drawers to find some nail stuff too, some nail polish and lotion to do hand massages with. Henry’s made a space outside on the sofa with pillows, a few strawberries for a snack and a glass of iced tea Judy liked. Charlie and herself carry out all the shit and bundles it all on the coffee table. It’s just gone lunch, Judy’s been to work but she’s finishing early. Charlie had argued with her about her decision to continue working but she’d said she was fine and she wanted to go.

They hear her car pull up and Jen’s ordering them to show her in and to the backyard, where she’s stood holding an eye mask and a headband.

Judy’s face is priceless when she walks out through the double doors, she’s looking at Jen and then her eyes travel to all the stuff on the table.

“What is all of this?” Judy asks, a little shocked.

“We’re giving you a pamper day, well…afternoon” Jen tilts her head, “so…ms Hale please take a seat” She puts on a posh accent and guides Judy to the couch.

“I shall” Judy lowers herself into the seat and feels Henry press a drink into her hands.

“Thank you kind sir” she jokes, bowing her head a little and then sipping on the refreshing drink. Charlie takes it from her and places it on the table.

Jen’s crouching in front of her then, resting her chin on her arms that are themselves rested across Judy’s lap. Judy can’t help but smile down at the blonde, she’s gazing up at her lovingly. “So, what first, mani? Pedi? Massage?”

“Well..” she’s grinning. “A massage would be amazing but we better stick to PG for the boys so I’ll go with a mani please” she shrugs her shoulders and winks at Jen.

Charlie groans, “gross”

Jen slaps her knee. “Later then, I’ll massage you in _all the right places”_ she winks again, making Judy laugh and Charlie almost vomit.

Henry turns on some music, it’s some musical or some shit that Jen hates but Judy loves so she lets it slide. The boys get in the pool some time later.

Judy offers her hand to Jen, leaning back to relax into the couch. Jen’s say across from her on a chair she’d dragged as close as she can get, and the nail polish and lotion is balanced on the couch next to them. Jen takes her left hand first, and then slowly massages her fingers and palm.

“Do you know what your doing?” Judy asks.

“Nope but does it feel good?” Jen asks, tracing patterns with her thumb.

Judy shivers at the tickling sensation and then relaxes further. “Yeah actually”

She finishes rubbing the lotion in and now Judy’s hands are as soft as butter. Judy chooses a nail polish colour, a pale violet, and Jen’s carefully applying it to her nails, Judy contains a laugh at how much her hands shake as she tries to get it as neat as possible.

“If you laugh this is gonna go everywhere” Jen says, moving onto the second to last nail.

Judy nods, miming a zipping up her lips motion that makes Jen shake her head with a smile.

It’s a while later when Charlie comes to find her, she’s in the bedroom after just changing into a robe, Jen’s orders. They’ve ate dinner already and now Jen’s about to give her the promised massage, she’s set up a place on the couch, lit candles and gathered smelling oils and body moisturiser.

“Hey” he walks in and sits on the bed, a frown on his face.

“Hi. Are you a alright?”

He nods. “I need you to get the test done” he states abruptly and then stands up to walk out.

“Char-“

“Judy!” He shouts a little too loud and then mutters a quick ‘sorry’, to which she throws back an ‘it’s okay’. “You can’t keep putting it off, you might not even have it but if you do then it’s only gonna get worse and I don’t know if we can handle losing another parent”

Judy felt tears threaten to fall, she had to bite on her cheek to stop the sob erupting. “I’m scared”

“So am I!” He says, quickly wiping at his face with the back of his jumper, she swears he’s crying but she doesn’t draw attention, she just steps forward and offers her hand as comfort, rubbing her thumb in circles on his shoulder.

It’s like there’s two voices inside her head, battling each other for dominance. One of them is rational, it’s clawing it’s way out of her head to grab a phone and make that appointment, because if she does have _it_ then she needs to plan, needs to work out her options for when something goes wrong and the potential treatment she’ll have to have fails and then she’ll be forced to say goodbye to her family forever. And for the second time she’ll be the one to _rip their lives apart._ The other voice is ignorant, it doesn’t want to hear what the doctors saying and it doesn’t want to listen to Charlie’s worries. It wants to bury itself in the love and safety she feels at home with Jen and the boys, and block out everything else that’s happening inside of her. That _could_ be happening inside of her.

She looks at Charlie’s face, it’s distraught in a way she hasn’t seen since…well she hasn’t seen him like this. He looks as if he’s about to break, and she imagines what Henry would be like if the tests were positive, he’d cry for days on end and never leave her side. Jen would be worse, she thinks she couldn’t bare to look her in the eye because she’d promised to be her _person_ , and that was forever but now she might not have forever. But then she imagines then finding out one day if the cancer was present in her body all this time it’ll take over one day, and she pictures Jen waking up and turning over to see herself out cold, body like ice instead of the blanket of warmth she usually provides. She can’t do that to them.

She sighs, taking a seat beside Charlie on the bed and she agrees, she tells him she’ll have the tests done and she’ll tell Jen soon, she just has to find the right time. He nods and then goes back to his room, telling her to “enjoy your massage of whatever” with a small smirk on his face. She nods with a smile, she’ll book the test tomorrow, it’s too late to now, she’ll have the biopsy whether she wants to or not because now she has a family and she’ll do what’s best for them, and knowing for sure whether she has a life threatening illness or not seems a lot more responsible than speculating. For now though she’ll head downstairs and enjoy her massage because Jen’s planned this whole day for her, and she thinks it’s the nicest thing anyone has ever done for her.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “He’s right though. She is scared, she’s never been this scared before in her life.“

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Get ready for the end of this chapter! 
> 
> Please comment! It makes me want to write more :)

“Thank you, see you then” Judy hangs up the phone and leans forward to rest her head in her hands on the stool she’s sat at against the breakfast bar. She whispers the last part because Jen’s just come downstairs, she hopes she didn’t hear anything but from the smile Jen gives her she assumes she didn’t. The appointment was booked for Tuesday, 24th June at 13:15, the doctor had said that it’ll probably take around an hour depending how busy they were. She’s figured in her head that she’ll tell Jen after the appointment, if it’s negative then she’ll not mention anything. Jen’s got the day off work so the two of them are going shopping, Jen’s idea because apparently she needed new clothes, Judy assured her she looked fine in the ones she already had but Jen had said that the “ _ten pounds I gained over the summer_ ” disagreed.

Judy takes her tablets with her just in case and after sticking to a light breakfast, a smoothie and glass of water, she hopes she won’t feel the need to be sick. So far it’s been a good morning, she hasn’t felt stomach ache once so maybe the tests will be fine on Tuesday? Maybe she’s just been her usual self and worrying about everything and making Charlie worry too, she’s always getting things wrong, well, Steve used to always say that, Jen had said to her once that most of the time she was the only right thing in their lives. Judy of course had shrugged it off.

Jen ends up buying a few blouses and a new skirt, Judy insists on buying a red one instead of a black because her wardrobe has “ _literally no colour”_. And Jen does because how can she say no to Judy, it’s be like kicking a puppy or something.

They’re in this new clothes store now, Jen’s looking for some new work clothes, Judy tags along nodding and shaking her head when Jen asks her opinion. Jen suddenly walks briskly over to a dress, it’s knee length, tight fitted, white and laced with flowers, Judy almost trips over trying to keep up with her but she’s giggling a little by the time she bumps into her.

“Judes, you have to get this it’d look so good on you…” she holds the dress up against Judy and turns her around to look in the mirror. Jen’s grinning and Judy can’t help but admire her choice, it did look good on her.

“You think?”

“Fucking yeah! You’re like…heaven on a stick” She says, smirking at the memory of Judy saying exactly the same thing to her once upon a time.

“I seem to remember it being _you_ that was ‘said’ heaven” she winks and takes the dress from Jen, dropping it in the clothes bag on top of Jen’s pile of clothes.

“I seem to remember that I’m _hell_ on a stick because _I am the devil_ ” she laughs and puts on a deep voice for the last three words.

Judy laughs and shoves her arm, she then taps Jen’s shoulder and nods her head over to a black version of the same dress. “This will look amazing on you!” She says back at her, copying Jen’s gesture from before and holding it up in front of her from behind, she has to stand on her tiptoes though because Jen’s like tall as fuck and to top it off she’s got heels on.

“I told you I gained ten pounds across the summer, this will look like a sack of potatoes on me”

Judy shakes her head, grabs Jen’s size and shoves it in the bag. “You’ll be the most beautiful sack of potatoes there is” she jokes, tugging Jen’s hand towards the checkout.

It’s almost as if she doesn’t have an impending possible sickness at all when she’s lining up in the long ass queue next to Jen, who’s currently trying to shit talk the chubby greasy guy she’d seen starring at them a few seconds ago.

She goes almost the full day without feeling ill once, but it’s at night time, before she’s about to go to bed that she feels it worse. Her and Jen have just finished watching a movie, a horror one since the boys were at Lorna’s for the night. Judy had chosen ‘The conjuring’ and she actually kinda enjoyed it despite hating horror movies, having Vera Farmiga in the movie helped though, “ _I’ve watched almost every movie of hers”_ she’d told Jen before the movie started. They’d spent the night curled up munching on popcorn, salted and sweet, Judy had joked that it was like a mix of their personalities. “ _…hey Jen, if we were a flavour, we’d be sweet and salted”_ she’d said randomly half way through the movie, to which had had replied, “ _what the fuck…”_ and then later a “ _god you’re a weirdo”_. Judy had then whispered, “ _Yeahhh but I’m your weirdo”_ and Jen had agreed. She was.

She’s brushing her teeth when she feels a pang of pain, Jen turns her head to her sharply, quickly rinsing her toothbrush to rub Judy’s back. “You okay?”

Judy nods, rinsing her own toothbrush then.

“God, you shouldn’t still be getting these pains, I wish I could help” Jen sighs and smiles sadly at her.

“You do help, you make me forget that it’s hurting” Judy says, tears in her eyes because it’s fucking really painful, she finds the hot water battle in the bathroom and Jen takes it from her to go fill it up for her.

“Here” Jen hands it back to her and Judy places it against her stomach, pushing a little. She wraps the cover over her and Jen climbs in beside her.

“Fuck…I hate this” Jen says, huffing, before grabbing her hair to tie roughly in a bun. “I hate that your literally sat there almost in tears because you’re in fucking agony and I can’t do anything about it”

Judy sighs. _God. She needs to tell her._ “Jen”

“Yeah?”

… a beat passes.

It’s the lying that makes this whole thing worse, it makes her wanna rip her hair out.

“I…”

“Can you give me a hug?”

_Shit. Lies again._

“Come here” Jen pulls her in quickly, and the embrace makes her feel safe and warm and guilty. Guilty because she’s lying, guilty because it’s her body that may be sick and she may have to leave Jen.

She falls asleep that night with a sense of dread, another day she’s put off telling her because of her own selfishness. Or selflessness actually, she can’t put Jen through this.

*

It’s the day before her appointment and she’s got the day off work, she’s been googling for hours, delving deep into different articles about biopsy tests and how they work, she understands that the procedure isn’t exactly painful, it’ll consist of taking a tissue sample that they’ll then test to see whether it’s cancerous. She also can’t eat or drink anything 8 hours before her appointment, hopefully she can avoid questions from Jen.

Charlie and Henry are home, the second day of their summer holidays. Henry has Shandy over, she smiles at hearing them laughing upstairs at something. She thinks she can also hear music which is probably Henry playing Jesus Christ Super Star on his speaker.

“Kill me now” Charlie comes downstairs and then his face falls.

“Not a fan of Jesus Christ super star?” Judy asks, ignoring the ‘k’ word because she’ll spiral into deep dark thoughts and put her self off going for the biopsy tomorrow.

“Not a fan of Henry and Shandy dancing all over and then singing out of tune” He says as he grabs a can of coke from the fridge.

“Henry is definitely the one not outta tune” Judy says and then pulls a grimacing face which makes Charlie laugh a little.

He comes to sit beside her on the stool instead of heading back to his room straight away. Judy turns Jen’s laptop around to show Charlie the screen, he widens his eyes at reading some of the biopsy reviews from random people who’d had it done on the internet.

“Yours is tomorrow right?” He asks. She’d told him after she’d made the appointment.

Judy hums a ‘yes’ and then sighs. “It’ll be okay” she puts on a wide smile, teeth baring.

Charlie rolls his eyes. “Stop pretending, you can be scared”

He takes the laptop from her and exits the eight tabs she dad open, and then quickly makes a few more clicks. “What’re you doing?” She asks.

“Clearing the history”

Judy’s eye brows raise. “Oh! Thank you, it’d be terrible for your mom to find out that way…”

“Yeah” he slides the laptop back to her and then heads up to his room.

He’s right though. She is scared, she’s never been this scared before in her life. Not when she was left alone for hours on end at home by her mom and there was men banging on the front door shouting things she couldn’t quite here while hiding under the bed. Not when she’d lost her first baby, when she’d woken in a puddle of blood and felt an emptiness inside of her stomach. Not when Steve would shout at her too loudly to be normal, not when he’d punch the wall next to her head and make a dint. Not even when they’d been hit by a car and Jen was out unconscious next to her because deep down in her heart she knew that Jen’s a fighter and she’d fight her way to get back to their family. She thinks if it came down to it Jen couldn’t cope without her, she’s scared of what she might do, the fact that they have Charlie and Henry to take care of reassures her a little because Jen would never leave them. She remembers being so scared when she’d found the emergency binder and the three letters from Jen laying on top of it, but remembers the determination she’d felt to do what Jen had wanted and take care of the boys. She hopes if the worst did happen to her, Jen would do the same, and not let the deep rooted hatred of herself or her anger at the world take over.

*

She’s just woken up from a nap, she’d been painting her feelings all day so she’d collapsed on the bed in the guesthouse and woken up an hour later. It’s just gone half 5 and she hopes the boys and Jen have finished eating, she’ll say she’s already had something. She climbs out of the bed and makes it up again quickly, she thinks to herself she won’t be using it again in a while.

She sees plates in the dishwasher and takes a sigh of relief. They’re all still sat around the table, a board game in front of them that she thinks is Cluedo. She perks up.

“Hey!” She walks slowly around to her seat at the head of the table.

“Hey you missed dinner! I was gonna wake you but I know you’ve not been sleeping recently so…” Jen says while in the middle of setting up the board game.

“I had something before” Judy tells her, a look from Charlie has her averting her eyes back towards Jen. “We playing Cluedo?”

“You feel like it?” Jen and, side eyeing her and silently communicating the fact that Judy can say no and Henry won’t be that upset (he probably will but).

“Course!”

They play a few rounds, Judy wins one and Henry the other two, a little bit unfairly since Henry’s literally played the same game around a hundred times in the last year. No one says a word though.

Henry yawns somewhere around 9:30pm and Jen tells him to go get ready for bed, and that she’d be up in a minute.

“I’m gonna go play my game, night guys” Charlie says, leaving the table after Henry.

“You wanna heads up as well? We can watch facts of life or something?” Jen asks in the middle of packing away the board game, Judy tries to help but Jen had swatted her hand back.

“Sure! I’ll go do the dishes and then we can-“

Jen stands quickly. “Uhh no, _you_ can go get yourself comfy upstairs while I do the dishes”

Judy opens her mouth to protest but Jen quickly chimes in with a “and I’m not taking no for an answer”

She laughs. “You’re too kind to me”

Jen pulls a face. “Says the queen of kindness”

Judy smiles and brushes her hand over Jen’s before heading upstairs.

She knocks on Charlie’s room before going to her own, and after he shouts a ‘come in’ she opens the door, it creaks a little and she closes it halfway behind her. She sits on his bed and he takes his headphones off, pausing the game he’s playing.

“I’m gonna tell her tomorrow, after the test” She says, a sad look on her face.

He turns towards her more, crossing his legs at the ankles. Nodding, he says, “good” and then throws his controller down on the bed next to him. “Do you…” he sighs, shrugs. “Do you like want me to come with you tomorrow?”

Judy feels tears in her eyes. “That is so sweet” her voice cracks. “But you don’t have to do that, I’d rather you keep everything running swiftly over here” she smiles tearily.

Jen’s rubbing her wet hands against her legs, forgetting to dry them after washing them on the way out of the kitchen but now she really cannot be bothered to go back there to grab a towel. She pops her head in on Henry, who’s already spark out when she walks in, and kisses his head, whispering a small “goodnight boop”.

She closes the door and then pauses outside of Charlie’s room on the way to her own, she thinks she hears Judy and she also hears crying? She steps closer slowly, trying her best not to step on the part of the floor that might as well make a fucking earthquake with how loud the floorboards grind.

“…I’m scared” _Charlie’s scared? What the fuck.?_ She’s about to head straight in there when Judy speaks.

“I know, me too…but I have to be strong, if it is bad news then I have to take care of Jen and you guys while I can” she says. _Bad news?_

She holds her breath.

“Judy!” Charlie says in a hushed kinda shout. “You don’t have to take care of everyone all the time, we’ll be the ones taking care of you if you have… “

She leans in.

“…if you have cancer”

Judy’s sobbing and she hears Charlie move on the bed to hug her, she sees him wrap his arms around her through the slit in the door.

_Cancer._

And the breath she’d held a few seconds ago gets stuck in her throat.

She can’t breathe.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Judy’s slowly letting go of her hand to hoist herself to sit against the headboard. Then she’s running out of the room and Jen’s left starring at thin air.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The second part of this chapter will be up later on! 
> 
> If anyone has any ideas about how they’ll get together like as a couple then please comment them, I’m so bad at writing smut and love-feelings hahah. 
> 
> Hope you enjoy this chapter :)

Her throat burns as the vodka slides down her throat. Judy might have cancer, _her Judy._ She’d muffled the sobs that almost escaped before running downstairs quickly. She felt tears burning her eyes but they somehow refused to fall. Her teeth are gritting together, her jaw hardened and eyes focused on the second shot glass of vodka she’s poured. The words won’t stop playing in her head, she can practically hear Judy’s muffled crying circulating in her ears and piercing her already broken heart.

‘ _…if you have cancer”_

She has to run to the sink to throw up, the burn in her throat becomes worse as the dinner she’d worked hard on comes straight back up and into the sink. She turns on the tap so no one hears her. There are a million thoughts going round in her head, taunting her. _Why did Judy not say anything. Charlie knows and has kept quiet? For how long…? Is Judy gonna be another person who she’s loved and will lose?_

She’s angry, she’s fucking irate that Judy has felt that she couldn’t tell her about it. She thinks about Judy’s nature of protecting others and hates herself for not recognising that something was wrong. There’s a small voice in her head, a frustrated, bitter one, that’s saying she did notice, she did ask Judy if she was okay and Judy had lied to her. Had even spun a lie that the doctors had just said she was a little fucking under the weather. That part of her wants to push Judy away and let her deal with it by herself because clearly that’s what she wanted to do.

She screams internally and smashes the shot glass against the fridge that she’s thrown it at, the glass falling into a thousand pieces on the floor. She wants to lie in the sharp shards of glass until she’s all cut up and bloody because she hates herself for that tiny voice. Her heart wants to run upstairs and grab Judy into an embrace with all her might. She’s desperate to take away any pain and hurt Judy feels and put it into herself, because she hates watching Judy suffer.

Another part of her is terrified, she could lose Judy and this beautiful family they’ve created. The boys would be lost without her, and so would she. Judy’s literally the sunshine that lights up her fucking life, she prays that light will never go out. She sighs and kneels down to pick up the pieces of glass, she can’t have the boys or Judy standing on it. Her head is pounding and her eyes are sore, tears are slipping from her red and puffy eyes and splattering onto the floor and the shards of glass. Reflecting in the bigger pieces of glass is a broken woman.

“Jen?”

_Shit._

She quickly dumps the pile of glass in the bin and dries her eyes on her pyjama sleeve. Clearing her throat she shouts a “yeah?” Hoping that her voice doesn’t sound like she’s been a blubbering mess on the kitchen floor for the past 10 minutes.

“Are you coming to bed?”

_Breathe Jen. Just breathe._

“Yep” her voice hicks. She gulps, eyes closed. “Be right up”

She doesn’t know how she’s gonna play this, everyone always says her face is the true picture of whatever she’s feeling so Judy’s gonna know the second she sees her that somethings wrong. For a few seconds she hovers outside of the bedroom, listening to Judy potter around in the room and hum to herself. Taking a deep breath in and out for good measure, she enters the room smiling a little.

Judy turns to her, half in the middle of loosely plaiting her hair, she’s just tying the band around the bottom of the second braid. She smiles at Jen, and it reminds her of a little kid, she’s got these pig tail braids in with lose hair flying out of them every where and her eyes are big and wide, almost like a Disney character as well.

“Cute” she says, Judy shrugs her shoulders with a grin.

Looking at her like this now, already for bed, relaxed and cosy but not exactly tired, Jen almost kids herself that she heard everything wrong and there’s not a chance Judy has cancer. But then when she looks into her eyes they’re lit up just by the lamp as they lay talking quietly with each other under the covers, she does see a sort of tiredness beneath the cheerful exterior.

They’ve decided to forgo the Facts Of Life episode without actually talking about it, it’s just that neither of them leave the warm cocoon they’ve created huddled together under the thick duvet. Judy smiles when Jen reaches for her hand, she holds it tightly in the middle of them.

Jen loves being like this with Judy. It’s at nighttime where they can just relax with each other and blur the boundaries of a typical friendship that has always been non existent really in their relationship. She’s never been touchy with anyone, but she finds herself often wanting to reach for Judy, to hold her hand or cradle her head in a hug. She wants to do that now more than ever, to wrap her up in her arms and never let her go, to shield her from cancer and all the other vicious things in the world. She remembers the way she used to squeeze her mother’s hand just to feel a squeeze back, she’d hold her breath until she felt something.

She reaches a hand to brush Judy’s bangs from her already closed eyes, they flicker open and gaze practically into her soul. She thinks of if Judy will have to have chemotherapy and if she’ll lose her hair, she thinks of feeling cold bold skin instead of gorgeous brown locks beneath her fingers. Judy’s thumb tracing her knuckles brings her mind back to the moment, _they don’t even know she has cancer yet._ She frowns, _this worrying could all be for nothing_. She’s never hoped for anything to be true more than she does that.

Judy’s eyes squeeze shut then and she clutches her stomach with her other hand. _This is too much._ She imagines the cancer growing inside of her, grasping at her lungs and her heart and her spirit. She wants to punch it then bury it fucking 6 ft under.

She stares at Judy, who’s gripping her hand to numb the pain.

“Judy I know”

Silence.

Judy looks up confused, “huh?”

“Honey…” Jen feels a sob wrack through her throat and she’s nearly crying yet again. “I _know”_

Judy’s slowly letting go of her hand to hoist herself to sit against the headboard. Then she’s running out of the room and Jen’s left starring at thin air.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Whatever happens I’ll be here, I promise”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anyone has any prompts or requests as to anything they wanna see in this fic then please comment!   
> I’m still tryna find a way to make it more ‘romance-y’ between these two.   
> Also I hope Judy’s positivity isn’t unrealistic? I feel like Judy is someone who’d be all cheery and optimistic for a part of this journey, but she’d also be terrified and a little angry (she’d not show it probably)
> 
> :) enjoy this chapter

The world may as well have just collapsed in on her. _How did she know?_ _She must hate me. Stupid stupid, you should have told her straight away,_ she’s trying to hush the voices in her head, her hands pulling roughly at her hair as she runs outside barefoot into the guest house. She locks the door behind her and slides down the door, burying her head in her arms.

_She must hate me._

The pain in her stomach is nothing compared to the ache in her heart. Her head bangs against the door as she flings it backwards, she wants to scream. (She doesn’t incase it wakes the boys or the whole neighbourhood)

She hears Jen’s footsteps across the path approaching the guesthouse and she holds her breath, praying she goes back in the house. A tap on the door comes next. “Judy”

She hears Jen sigh. “Judy please open the door”

Judy bites her lip. She can’t face her, she can’t bare to look at Jen because she knows her face will show nothing but hurt and anger and despair. A sniffle betrays her need to stay silent.

Jen’s banging on the door with her fist one more time. “Judy please, we need to talk”

Jen can see her behind the door through the slits in the wooden door, she’ll remember to get them filled in at a later, more appropriate time. She sighs and sits down against the other side of the door, shivering slightly as the cold ground seeps through the thin pyjamas she’s wearing. She leans her head against the door. She wishes she’d planned this, wishes she knew what to say but quite honestly she had no fucking clue what to do. She’s no therapist or a doctor or a scientist, but she’s Judy’s _person,_ so she has to try something.

Jen swallows thickly. “I heard you speaking to Charlie” she starts with.

_Shit._ Judy thinks. _Should have been more careful. And who ropes a teenager into keeping a secret like that anyway?_

“I wish you’d have told me”

Judy listens from the other side.

“I wish you’d have _felt_ like you could have told me” she corrects herself. “I hate that you’ve been going through this without me…we’re-fuck, we’re supposed to do everything together, you can’t blame me for being upset that I didn’t know about this”

Judy nods from the other side. Jen’s right, if it was the other way round and Jen was the one keeping this from her, she’d be distraught.

“All I know is,” her breath hitches and Judy holds back tears. “I fucking love you so much Judy…and your my-well, everything, you’re everything to me” Jen turns around on the ground and peaks through the slits. “I’m not mad at you for not telling me okay?”

_Wait what?_ “You’re not?” Judy says quietly from the other side.

Jen breaths a sigh of relief, she gets up on her feet as she hears Judy doing the same, at least she thinks she hears that. “No” Jen rests a hand on the door. “Please open the door Jude” she tries again, failing this time to keep her voice steady.

She releases a breath she’d been holding when Judy turns the lock and she pushes the door and wraps Judy up within a millisecond, she feels Judy collapse into her, crying and she holds tighter.

“Jen I’m scared” Judy whispers.

Jen kisses her on the head, lingering there for a moment before speaking. “I know” She waits for Judy to pull back but holds her in her arms still.

“Will you tell me what the doctor really said to you?”

Judy nods and clasps her hand, hiding her over to sit on the bed.

And she does, she tells Jen everything and Jen finds it hard not to shout and scream that it’s not fair. Judy, who’s the fucking angel on earth, the nicest person she’s ever known, has to go through this waiting game to find out if her life is on the line or not. Straight away she tells Judy that she’s taking the day off work and coming with her tomorrow for the biopsy, Judy doesn’t protest, instead she engulfs her in another hug and thanks her for being there for her, as if Jen would be anywhere else. Judy explains the procedure to her and Jen says she’ll be holding her hand every step, “… _and if the doctor tries to stop me coming in because I’m not family or whatever I’ll fucking punch him”_.

They head back up to their bedroom, not Jen’s, _theirs_ , because it is theirs now. Jen doesn’t know when exactly it became _theirs_ but ever since Michelle had just sorta ghosted Judy a while back, and ever since they were given another chance to live their lives freely without a murder investigation hanging over their heads, they’d just allowed it to happen. Neither questioned it. It was just how it was gonna be from then on, they’d share everything, the house, a bed, their souls or whatever.

The lights are already off so they climb straight back into bed, seeking out the warmth of each other because they’re both covered in goosebumps after just coming from outside.

“Jen” Judy whispers a few seconds later.

“Mhm?”

“I don’t want this to change anything, if I do have _it,_ I’m still gonna be me”

“Obviously” Jen says like it’s a no brainier.

“I don’t wanna be a patient or just a _burden_ -“

“Judy, lets get one thing straight right now, you will _never_ be a burden, _ever”_

Judy nods slightly, as if she doesn’t believe it and Jen notices the doubt in her eyes. “You’re always gonna be you no matter how sick you may be, you’ll always be the fucking best thing in my life” Jen says shaking her head, she can’t comprehend how Judy can even think she’s anything less, but then she remembers how Steve treated her and _ya know what she isn’t fucking surprised Judy thinks that way._

Judy looks in Jen’s eyes completely, and then smiles widely. “I love you”

Jen kisses her nose gently, it startles Judy but only a little, it’s probably the cutest thing Jen’s ever done but Judy won’t mention it and dampen her _‘bad bitch vibe_ ’. “Love you too”.

*

It’s the morning of Judy’s biopsy and Jen’s letting her sleep in for a bit, she’s gone downstairs to make breakfast (it’s just cereal) for Henry and Charlie before they head off for the day to wherever they’re going. Henry has actually got a lot of new friends lately, he’s been heading across to Tyler’s with Shandy a lot more frequently than he used to, and Charlie’s always been a social butterfly anyways so she guesses he’s going to one of his twenty friends’.

“Morning mom!” Henry comes downstairs, already dressed with shoes on. “It’s okay if I go to Tyler’s after breakfast isn’t it?” He asks, already shovelling down the coco pops she’s literally just poured milk over.

“Yep, just be home for dinner” truthfully she’s glad that he’s going to be out, she’d rather not explain where her and Judy are heading out to later.

“Okay!”

“Hey” Charlie’s just sitting at the breakfast bar. He has bags around his eyes and for once she hopes that he’s been up all night playing his games and not worrying about Judy’s appointment today. When Henry leaves the table she walks over to him and gives him a hug, he pulls away at first but then the tension leaves his body and he pats her on the shoulder awkwardly.

“What’re you doing?”

“Judy _told_ me”

He turns his head, “she did?”

Jen nods against his shoulder. “Thank you for taking care of her Charlie”

Charlie pulls back then to eat his cereal, it’s already going soggy and he hates it like that. “What else was I gonna do? She’s family”

Jen nods.

He looks up at her then, “she’s gonna be okay isn’t she?” He pauses. “I mean it’s _Judy”_ he says as if Judy is some invisible superhero that can avoid getting ill or anything like that.

Jen sighs. “I hope so Char”

Jen doesn’t eat that morning, she thinks she may actually throw it all back up if she does because her nerves are shot. She grabs a coffee before going to wake up Judy, it’s around 11am, the longest Judy had ever slept in in, probably her whole life let’s be honest, but Jen figures she needed it after the draining night they both had. Jen’s nose is still stuffy from crying so long.

They set off to the doctors around 12:50, it doesn’t take that long to get there, Judy was definitely stalling because she’d changed her shoes twice before they left the house. Judy’s sat beside her in the car with an anxious look on her face so Jen reaches across the gearstick to take her hand in hers, keeping hold of it throughout the journey there and casually dropping it and then picking it back up again whenever she needed to change gears. The ride there is fairly quiet, they don’t talk much about it and Judy flicks on the radio halfway through, quietly humming beside her.

When they arrive at the doctors, Jen tells Judy to go and sit down and that she’ll sign in for her. Judy brushes her shoulder with her hand gratefully as she goes to find a seat, luckily it’s quite empty in the waiting room so she finds two seats towards the back easily.

“Can I help you?”

Jen snaps her head round to the receptionist, “oh, I’m just wanting to sign in for Judy Hale” she says, fingers coming to tap on the top of the desk nervously.

“Alrighty then, date of birth?” She asks. Jen almost laughs at the glasses perched right on the top of her nose, it reminds her of an old teacher who used to _hate_ her.

“21st of February 1975” Jen answers.

There’s a few clicks and keyboard typing, the receptionists nails scratching on the keys which makes Jen’s hands clench, _how annoying_.

“Alright all booked in, it’s nice she’s brought you with her this time, she never mentioned having a wife when we chatted last time” the woman, Glenda she thinks her name tag says, says with a painfully cheery voice.

“Oh-“ _wife?_ “We’re not married”

“Fiancé then” the receptionist says, then before Jen has chance to correct her the phone rings and she’s excusing herself to answer it.

_That was weird._ She could do worse than Judy though, actually she couldn’t do better than Judy, she was the best anyone could have, more than anyone deserved.

Judy’s tapping her leg up and down repetitively when she sits beside her so Jen rests her hand on her thigh, giving it a gentle squeeze of reassurance. Jen smiles at her and then looks forward, both seem to take a deep breath at the same time. The clock on the wall ticks extremely loudly in the quiet waiting area, and the constant ringing of phones has Jen clenching her fingers into her palm. Judy’s starring frozen completely still and she knows how she’s feeling because she’s feeling exactly the same, she’s terrified, they’re terrified. Judy’s head is filled with white noise almost, she feels empty and lost but at the same time there’s a hundred different thoughts running around her head about what the test will be like and how her whole life could change soon.

“Judy Hale”

A male voice cuts through the silence.

Jen takes Judy’s hand and stands up before her, she gives her an encouraging nod before guiding her towards the nurse. He introduces himself as David and leads them through to a changing stall before handing Judy a gown and telling her to go and change into it. She changes quickly, Jen and the nurse make small while waiting and then they’re taken to a wide stretched room with loads of hospital equipment. There’s a bed where the examination will take place and David asks Judy to lie down on it, there’s a curtain being pulled shut and Judy quickly grabs Jen’s hand and pulls her inside, David smiles understandingly. He asks a few questions and make sure she hasn’t eaten or drank anything in the last 8 hours, and then goes ahead with the test. It’s over quicker than Judy had thought it would be, Jen had told her to look at her instead of what the doctors doing and to squeeze her hand if it feels uncomfortable. Judy had gripped her hand throughout the whole thing, smiling when Jen had told her about the mistake made by the receptionist to take her mind off of whatever else was happening. “… _She thought we were married?” …”yep!” “We’d be a hot couple though to be fair” “fuck yeah we would”_

And then the nurse was telling them that Judy’s doctor would call when her results were ready and they were heading to the car hand in hand.

*

Judy’s been silent ever since they arrived back at home an hour ago, it’s just gone 3pm so the boys are still out. Judy’s in the guesthouse colouring a huge page of just well, different lines and patterns that doesn’t really look much like ‘art’ to Jen. She’s come in to bring her a drink after making a few work related calls, she sits down on the other chair Judy’s dragged in from the main house and slides the orange juice over to Judy.

“Whatcha doing?” Jen asks, flexing her fingers and then interlocking them as her hands come to rest in front of her on the old wooden table they’d got from the storage unit for Judy’s art room a while ago.

“Colouring, it helps me relax” Judy says, he then shoves the pile of colouring pens further down the table to Jen’s side. “Wanna do some with me?” Judy asks with this face that Jen can’t say no to, it’s like when Henry used to ask her to help colour with him and she’d said yes every time to colouring pictures of finding nemo or the lion king even though she found it boring as hell.

Jen nods, picking up a blue felt tip pen and staring to colour the little zigzag pattern in at the bottom. “Are you okay? It’s just, you haven’t said much since the appointment” Jen brings up after a few minutes of just silent colouring.

Judy nods, putting a little too much pressure on the page so the ink blots messily, she sighs and tries to go over it with a darker coloured pen. “I just guess it makes it real now” she says with a face that looks like a disappointed kid on Christmas morning.

“I know” Jen sighs.

“Whatever happens I’ll be here, I promise”

“I know” Judy says back to her.

They lock hands, Judy’s right hand leaning across to hold Jen’s, and they continue colouring and talking about anything and everything for hours, Jen thinks she may start taking up this artsy shit if it means she gets to spend an afternoon just sitting her laughing, chatting shit and crying (there was more than a little crying but some of it was even happy) with Judy.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Thank you” Jen says suddenly. “For letting me and the boys into your life and for making ours so fucking worth living”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! 
> 
> Hope you enjoy this one, it’s slightly longer than my previous chapters.   
> Comment any suggestions for how they should realise they’re deeply in love because I still have no ideas as to how they’re gonna realise because they’re just so oblivious. 
> 
> :) enjoy this x

It seems the waiting game is well upon Jen and Judy, neither has been able to sleep properly since the test. Judy’s been a lot quieter around the house, Charlie had realised why she wasn’t herself but innocent little Henry was oblivious so Judy tried to deflect his concern, telling him she was sad about a movie she’d watched the night before or using the excuse of missing Abe. Not that it was an excuse, she did miss him, dearly, sometimes she imagines sitting with him at work and sitting with him talking for hours about anything. She tried to ignore the impending results for the first few days after, she’d told Jen she wanted to out with the boys for dinner one night and Jen had taken them all, despite her originally protesting. She’d tried meditating and painting to block out the dark thoughts swirling in her head. None of it worked though, and the biopsy results were all she could think about. Almost a week had passed and she’d heard nothing from the doctor, when Jen had threatened to try and speed up the process by storming to the hospital, Judy had literally held her down (by the hand) and said _“no news is good news, right?”_. Jen had nodded along with her with an unconvincing smile. 

Jen herself had worried constantly since the test too, she’s been completely in her own head, snapping at people at work, she’d even told Christopher to _“fuck off and take your puppy to the pound or something”_ when he’d been complaining about no one being available to look after Adele for his and Alan’s weekend getaway. Judy had made her apologise, “ _she’s just stressed lately, she didn’t mean it, in fact I think she has a soft spot for Adele”_ , she’d told Christopher over the phone that night Jen exploded at him. She’s been avoiding the obvious elephant in the room whenever Judy would ask how she was, she’d always say she was fine and then distract herself with the television or going to fetch a bottle of wine. That’s another thing, the wine stack gets higher and higher each day as Jen’s drinking away her feelings, Judy’s come home from an afternoon walk before to find Jen blind drunk before 2pm. 

She’s tried being there for Judy though, Judy is practically Jen’s rock so she’s trying to repay the favour and be helpful around the house more, offering to cook (even though usually whatever she makes isn’t no where near Judy’s standards of cooking), clean and even do the shopping alone despite it being the one thing she hates doing, Judy being there to push the shopping cart beside her made grocery store trips bearable. Judy tells her that she doesn’t need to do all of it by herself but then Jen’s shaking her head and not taking no for an answer, “ _Judy you might-“_ …and she always stops her sentence there, the obvious ending of that line being ‘…have cancer’ but neither can bring themselves to say it aloud. 

Jen lays awake at night sometimes, for the early hours of the morning where Judy has finally fell asleep, she thinks about what her life would be like if she’d never have met Judy. The boys would have a shitty family, they’d never go on surprise days out or eat actual food ever, Judy does all that with them, she’s basically the glue off the family, holding everyone together. They need Judy, that much is clear, but it’s Judy wanting to still be here even after everything that makes Jen feel almost sick with love. She’s never felt the way she feels about Judy with anyone else before. It’s like there’s a Judy shaped piece that’s slotted into her brain and in her heart as quickly as she’s slotted right into their lives. Sometimes she stares at the photo frame of herself and her mother, she wishes her mother got to meet Judy, and if any of the spiritual shit Judy believes in is true then she hopes her mom is looking down on them both, watching over and protecting them. Judy reminds her of her mom in many ways, she was so different from Jen, she was kinder, lighter, and she carried around so much care and love for the world despite ending thrown a fairly fucking shitty life. She smiles to herself on those nights, looking between the photo frame and Judy’s angelic sleeping face, her mom would’ve loved Judy as much as she did. And before the tears could fall after thinking about her mom for so long, she’d push a strand of her behind Judy’s ear, place the frame back down gently in the drawer, careful not to wake Judy, and then settle beside her and hope sleep would come. 

Jen gets a call at work one dreary Wednesday afternoon, Judy’s doctor wants her to come for an appointment the next morning. She ends up shouting at a poor young apprentice guy who’s looking round the four bedroom house she’s currently trying to sell because all she wants to do is be at home with Judy but the other woman has told her to stay at work, “ _Jen, I’m fine here okay? Henry’s keeping me company, we’re rock painting actually…-“…”you’re what_ …”, “ _never mind, the point is don’t worry, I’ll see you when you get home later okay?”_

She comes home from work with a takeout in hand because Charlie had requested it, Henry was just happy to be eating whatever and she figured Judy wouldn’t mind. They sit on the couch to eat and then Henry shows Jen and Charlie the rocks they painted that day. 

“I did one for your room mom” Henry hands her a fairly large pebble with pink, blue and purple stripes on, there’s also a ‘J’ with a heart painted on it. “I just painted J because then it goes with you and Judy” 

Jen admires it dramatically, and then holds the (kinda messily) painted stone our to show Charlie too. “Wow boop! This will go great in our room” she smiles at Judy who nods sincerely. 

“I made Judy one too…” he takes another stone from the bundle of them he’s put on the coffee table. “She told me about her babies and how they passed away in her tummy, so I painted this to memoril-“

“Memorialise” Judy finishes for him. 

“Memorialise them like we did for dad bird” 

Henry places the stone gently in Jen’s hand and she looks at the fairly well drawn hand painted in the centre of the stone, it’s surrounded by hearts and different coloured flowers he’s drawn. Jen looks over at Judy, she hardly mentions her miscarriages so she’s surprised that Judy’s told Henry about it. Judy’s got tears in her eyes but her smile is wide and appreciative. 

“It’s beautiful right Jen?” She says, holding back the tears. 

“It sure is” Jen nods and hands the stone back to Henry who passes it along to Judy. 

Charlie’s eyes are fixated on his phone but even he looks over to smile at Judy, Jen nods her head towards him after appreciatively. 

“Well like Judy said, I’d have been their big brother so” Henry shrugs and then walks back to hit seat, taking another prawn cracker from the bag (they’d ordered Chinese) on the coffee table. 

Jen’s still thinking about what Henry said that night in bed as they watch some cooking show Judy likes. _Big brother._ It wouldn’t be that far from the truth, she even told Judy all those months ago when she thought she was pregnant that she’d parent with her, a _three child mothering team_ she’d called it. Obviously that would include Henry and Charlie being the baby’s family too, she’d just never thought about it that deeply. She almost laughs picturing another child in the house, with Judy’s big personality and Jen’s stubbornness-well, no, not _her_ stubbornness because it wouldn’t be her baby, she’d just be helping out. 

Judy’s tapping on her shoulder brings her out of her thoughts, “Henry was so sweet today” 

“Isn’t he always?” Jen scoffs and turns to lay on her side facing Judy. 

“True” Judy says. “I hope he’ll be okay if the results aren’t good tomorrow” she adds solemnly, her eyes drifting back to the tv.

“He will, we all will, he’s a strong kid ya know?” Jen says but honestly Henry would be in bits if Judy had it, had cancer. His dad dying was a huge loss he had to deal with so early on in his life, she can’t imagine him (or herself, or Charlie) having to deal with the idea of losing another person so special to him. 

Judy nods, then smiles softly to herself. “He talked about my miscarriages today, I explained to him what happened and he says that they’ll always be here-“ she points to her heart, “and that god will be looking after them until it’s time for us to meet again” Judy’s got tears in her eyes now and so has Jen. _Jesus her kid is a fucking angel._

“He said that he wishes they were here with us, he said he’d have been the best big brother and would have shown them how to walk and talk and sing…” Judy sighs. 

There it is again, _big brother._ Jen’s used to referring to Judy as a second mother to Charlie and Henry but in such simple terms like this it’s a whole different story. She remembers the letter she’d wrote to Judy asking her to be the boys’ motherly figure incase she got sent to jail for killing a guy, and she supposed it looks weird for someone outside of their family, for her to be asking her best friend- whom she’s not known awfully long-to be her kids’ second parent. To her though it was so easy to picture Judy being her partner, a second parent instead of just a friend who’s a baby sitter. 

“Thank you” Jen says suddenly. “For letting me and the boys into your life and for making ours so fucking worth living” 

Judy smiles, eyes crinkling in the corners. “Thank you, for the same” 

Chaotic mornings are rare in the Harding (+ Hale) house, it’s usually full steam ahead with Judy making breakfast for everyone and Jen beside her packing the boys’ lunches on school days. This morning though it’s a whole different story, there’s a tension in the air that the three eldest of them are feeling, Henry’s thankfully been in the shower for half of the morning before his rehearsal with holy harmonies. Charlie’s been even more grumpy than usual, he blames it on his car not having enough gas in it to get him to the mall and back with his friends but Jen knows otherwise, he’s fretting about Judy’s appointment just as much as she and Judy are. Judy’s been herself to the extreme, making too many pancakes for everyone, dropping them on the floor and almost crying when she did. Jen had to literally stop herself from breaking the mug she was currently drying in her hands. 

On the way to the hospital they drop Henry off at the church and Charlie at the mall, he tells them he’ll get a lift with one of his friends for the way home, he makes sure to wish Judy “ _good luck, or whatever people say”_ before waving awkwardly and jogging to where a bunch of his friends are waiting. 

*

Right before they enter the hospital Judy stops and pulls Jen back will her to a halt because they’re holding hands, _as friends do._ Jen turns to her, “what’s wrong?” 

Judy shakes her head frantically. “I can’t-“, she releases a shaky breath. “I can’t go in there Jen I don’t wanna find out” 

Jen walks closer to where she’s stood, they almost get knocked over by rushing hospital goers so Jen pulls Judy to the side, there’s a bench just off side the entrance so she takes her to sit down. “Judy honey look…” 

Judy huffs and turns her head to her pouting. 

“You’ve come this far, and I promise whatever they say in there I’ll protect you, I’ll take care of you” 

Judy shakes her head. “You can’t protect me from my own body” 

“I can try” Jen shrugs, a small sympathetic smile on her face.

“This is where you pull out” Judy states. 

Jen tilts her head confused, “what?”

Judy slaps her hands on her legs as she brings them down to tap on her knees. “It’s okay, I won’t judge you for wanting to stop right here, I wouldn’t blame you, I know you’ve already had to watch your mom die right before your eyes-“

“Judy what’re you talking about!”

“You don’t have to do this with me Jen” Judy says, and Jen’s looking at her thinking _is she ducking serious_. “I mess everything up, and now I’m gonna mess our family up too so just, let’s stop before it’s too late” 

“For fucks sake Jude I feel like _slapping_ you right now” Jen scoffs and pushes her hair back from her forehead that’s now a warm and a little clammy. “I’m going on this fucking…journey, _ride_ with you whether you want me to or not” she lowers her voice. “You may as well be the fucking love of my whole life because you’re the only person who I want to run to and not from” 

Judy’s shushing her with a finger to the lips because Jen’s loud ‘whispering’ is drawing a lot of unwanted attention, Jen hits her hand a way angrily and then grabs it to kiss the knuckle that she’s just slapped slightly harder than she wanted to. “I _am not_ going anywhere, neither are you…” 

“You’re 100% sure?” 

“Fuck Judy” Jen tugs on her hand suddenly and practically drags her to the waiting room, she silences Judy with her finger while she electronically marks Judy in as ‘present’ on the appointment screen and then takes her to a seat. “Does it look like I’m going anywhere apart from _anywhere_ that you are?” Jen asks with a laugh that says _how can she not already know that after everything._ But then again after all the empty promises made to her by people who supposedly loved her in the past, she’s not surprised that Judy’s disbelief in people wanting to be there for her is still very much present. 

Judy doesn’t have time to reply anyway because the doctors shouting her through and Jen’s heading in there before she is, pausing to guide Judy to sit on the chair with a hand on her lower back. 

“Hi, I don’t think we met last time?” The doctor says holding his hand out to Jen who shakes it quickly before sitting down. 

“This is my friend Jen” Judy points out and Jen answers a quick ‘hi’. 

“It’s very brave of you to have the test done, I know the last time you were here you were in shock” 

He carries on speaking to Judy for a while and all Jen can think is that she wishes she’d been here the last time, she can’t bare to imagine Judy running out of here and breaking down in her car before putting a smile on for when she came home. 

There’s a few moments of silence before the doctors pulling up Judy’s notes on his computer. He removes his glasses and crosses his hands on the desk, leaning forward with as deadly serious look on his face. 

“It’s clear right? The test” Judy says so hopefully that Jen wants the doctor to say it’s negative whether it was or not if it makes Judy happy, she clenches Judy’s hand in her own though preparing for whatever the doctors about to say. 

The pause is long enough to tell Jen that something wasn’t right. She swears her heart almost drops through the floor. 

“I’m terribly sorry Judy, the biopsy showed that the cells are cancerous” 

There’s a gasp, neither are sure which of them it can from, and then Judy’s trying to speak but the tears racing down her cheeks and the sobs wracking through her body prevent her from doing so. Jen holds her hand and tries to calm her down, she fails though because she’s also crying her eyes out into Judy’s hair as she rocks her body back and forth. 

The doctor shoves a tissue box closer to them with a sympathetic look. “It’s at stage 2, that means the cancer has spread into your womb as well as your ovaries” 

“Okay so what the fuck does that mean? What’s gonna happen? Your gonna treat it right I mean you can-“ Jen trails off as Judy presses a tissue into her hands from the bunch she’s just grabbed out of the cardboard box. 

“Certainly, it’s lucky that Judy came in when she did because it means we’ve caught it early” 

Jen wants to fucking rip his head off when he calls her _lucky_ but she understands his point, at least it’s at stage 2 and not stage fucking 4 like her mother was. 

“So what will the treatment be?” Judy finally asks in a croaky tearful voice. Jen wraps her arm back around her shoulders, scrunching the tissue in her fist. 

“It’ll be surgery first to remove some of the cancerous cells, then you’ll have chemotherapy, it’s called adjuvant chemotherapy, it will help shrink the remaining cancer and reduce the chance of it coming back” he says while handing over a bunch more leaflets for them to take a look over. 

“Judy?” 

“Yeah?”

“We are very hopeful that you’ll make a recovery, now…there are support groups that you can go to to help deal with this, you too Jen, it’s very tough on the partners of those who’re sick” He says, handing them a small card with an advertisement on for a cancer support group, ‘dealing with illness, those ill and those loved’ in big bold letters on the front. Neither correct the ‘partners’ assumption. 

The drive back to the house is painfully silent, Jen’s gripping the wheel that hard that Judy thinks it might burst between her fingers. Judy tells Jen to pull over halfway on the ride back home because she has to throw up and Jen’s running around the other side to hold her hair back before Judy can even bend over. 

“Can we stay here for a while? I don’t wanna go home yet” Judy asks quietly after throwing up for the third time. Jen wipes her mouth with the spare tissue she’d put in her pocket from the hospital and combs back her hair gently with her hands. 

They’ve pulled up on a desolate field area, there’s a few cows in the distance but apart from that it’s just trees and corn fields. Jen locks the car and grabs the blanket they keep in the back of the car. They head up to a spot that’s just at the top of a small-ish hill, Jen lays the blanket out on the grass for them to sit on. 

“I have cancer” Judy whispers then, as if it’s only just processed and still not fully gone in yet. 

Jen looks at her then and imagines her laying on an operating table, imagines her hand slipping away as she’s pulled into a theatre room, pictures her hooked up to a dozen wires during chemo session and she can’t take it anymore. She lets out a gut wrenching scream and Judy jumps at the sound. 

“Jen!” Judy clambers up quickly and holds her at the shoulders. 

She feels the wind clenching her lungs and she can’t breathe. “Fuck” her voice pierces the air. 

“I hate this Jude, this is me I’m-“ Her breath shudders. “I’m cursed” 

Judy frowns and swipes at the tears on Jen’s warm cheeks. “Honey…”

“Don’t take care of me Judy!” She pushes her hand away half heartedly.

“I can do whatever I want…” she puts it back on her cheek and caresses her thumb there in circles. 

“I am…” (cursed). “Everyone I love dies Judy…” Jen panics then and says “not that I’m saying you’re gonna die, _shit…_ I didn’t mean-“

“I know Jen” Judy nods understandingly. “I know what you mean, but I’m not going anywhere without you _apparently_ so…” she jokes and Jen tries to laugh through her slobbering. 

“We’re gonna kick cancers ass” Judy says then. “Together” 


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “ She can’t let go, she doesn’t wanna let go but she knows that as soon as they go through these double doors she’ll have to and Judy will be taken away from her...”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Evening everyone! 
> 
> Surgery day is here for our Judy and...get your tissues ready for the end.   
> I love reading everyone’s comments Please keep them coming!! 
> 
> :) hope u enjoy

Henry and Charlie are told about Judy’s cancer a few days after the test results, Jen sits them down to explain that Judy has a type of ovarian cancer and for a lot of months she’ll be extremely ill, she tries to make it sound as light as she can to Henry because he looks as if he’s about to pass out when she tells him. He sits on her lap with tears in his eyes, like he used to when he’d fallen off his bike when he was young or someone at school had said something mean to him, and asks a billion questions Jen can’t really answer. She tries to reassure him, Charlie tries to tell him that doctors can literally bring a person back from the dead so Judy will be fine but Henry just cries into his mothers shoulder.

“…her surgery is already booked, it’s in two weeks, the doctors are smart Hen okay? They know what they’re doing”

Henry dries his eyes roughly. “They couldn’t save dad” he says, his bottom lip sticking out in a pout.

“I know baby I-“ Jen rubs his back, “I know”

“It’s different though right? Because dad was already gone when the ambulance arrived so…” Charlie says, leaving the living room to grab his can of Pepsi from the fridge.

Jen nods and tells Henry how optimistic the doctor had been and how strong Judy is. Henry nods along and when Judy comes downstairs after a shower, robe on and hair wrapped in a towel, he runs over to her and almost jumps on her in a hug.

“Oh!” Judy’s almost winded, but she wraps her arms quickly around the youngest Harding, she’d been so afraid of telling him, she’d told Jen that she’d have to do it because she’d crumble if she had to tell them herself.

“I’m sorry your sick Judy” He says in a voice that’s still high pitched for his age, still young and innocent and full of concern for Judy.

“Me too” She says in a whisper, she locks eyes with Charlie and holds her hand out to him, he grabs it and gives it a squeeze.

“But like your mom says doctors-“ Judy pushes Henry back and crouches down to his level, caressing his mop of hair before squeezing his shoulder. “-are very clever, and I have to fight this cancer inside of me because I have a family and you need me” Jen’s breath hitches at the word ‘cancer’ despite Judy’s surprisingly steady voice.

“So will you like lose your hair and stuff soon? One of my friends grandmas had cancer and she wears scarfs and wigs” Henry asks.

Judy rises back up and guides him to the couch to sit. “I probably will yeah..” she says.

“Don’t be sad, you’ll still be pretty” Henry says, patting her shoulder in a comforting manner.

Judy tilts her head and her face breaks out in a teary smile. “Thank you Henry!”

“It isn’t like she’s on the hunt to date anybody though is it? I mean Judy’s practically married to mom so…” Charlie jokes and Jen glares at him until she realises Judy’s laughing along. Leave it to Charlie to lighten the mood.

“Jen would have me bold or not” Judy grins cheekily at Jen who’s blushing furiously, she waves it off with her hand and shoves Judy shoulder lightly.

“You seem very sure about yourself” Jen challenges, raising her eyebrows at the smaller woman.

“With this body how could you resist?” She points a finger at her self and winks, swaying her hips as she walks to go take the now damp towel from her head to unwrap her hair.

Jen’s staring at her shaking her head fondly before Charlie tells her, “Jesus mom pick up you’re jaw something might fly in it”, and on her way to the kitchen she swats his head and he laughs, rubbing the sore spot on his head.

*

Judy’s adamant on going into work still, wanting to put all the hours in she can before the surgery and the chemotherapy prevents her from doing so. She enjoys leaving the house for a while, Jen’s constantly fussing around her. Don’t get her wrong she’s so grateful for Jen and the boys, but they’ve not let her cook or clean in over a week and it’s driving her crazy, all she’s done is lay wrapped up in a blanket on the couch or in bed for days on end and she’s starting to feel like an invalid. Jen goes to work in the morning after bringing her breakfast in bed and a colouring book to keep her occupied, then she comes home in the evening with a takeaway in hand or she’s straight in the kitchen trying to make something from the recipes Judy’s showed her. The time alone resting means Judy’s mind has been working on overdrive, thinking about the cancer, about Jen, the boys, her life. She wonders whether she’ll lose weight, whether her clothes will look all too baggy on her because the chemo has left her all skin and bone. She pictures what she’ll look like with bold hair, ever since she was little she’d counted her hair as one of her best features. When she was younger it was down to her waist, she’d learn to plait it and do cool hairstyles with it and some of the other girls in her class would ask her to do theirs and she’d be sat on the carpet for ‘reading time’ dutch braiding someone’s hair while trying to avoid the teachers eyes. She’d cried in her room for hours when her mom had tried cutting her hair before she’d started high school, telling her that older girls don’t have scraggy long hair, _tried_ being the accurate word because she’d cut it down to almost a bob and it didn’t look straight at all, her fringe looked even worse. Now she cuts her own bangs, something she’d learnt to do when she was pregnant for the first time and home alone while Steve worked away. She can’t imagine not having a set of thick hair on top of her head, she wonders if she’ll pull off a headscarf? The photo frame in Jen’s drawer often ends up on her lap, she likes looking at photos of Jen was she was younger because there isn’t many, she looks so innocent and free of all worries. Her mother wears a headscarf in the photo but she’s still beautiful, Jen looks a lot like her actually, it’s the button noses she thinks.

*

The day before her surgery Jen brings a gift to her in their room, it’s wrapped in tissue paper and sealed with a small golden box with a red bow tied at the front. Judy grins as Jen hands it to her carefully, telling her it’s not much but to open it. Inside there’s a necklace, a unique pattern is outlined in black on the silver circular locket.

“It’s a symbol for ‘healing’ apparently” Jen says.

Judy nods, taking a shaky breath in and opening the locket with careful fingers. There’s a photo of Judy and the boys in one side, it was taken on Charlie’s birthday a few days after he’d got his car, Henry and Judy are wearing party hats and huge grins, Charlie’s got his arm wrapped around Henry and is also smiling for the camera. The other side holds a photo of herself and Jen, one of the boys must have taken it, probably Charlie because it’s not blurry, they’re hugging while facing the camera, each are pulling silly faces and they’re dressed in their pyjamas. Judy remembers when it was taken, it was during one of the first few weeks Judy had moved in, they’d ordered pizza and when Jen had finally arrived home from work they’d changed into pyjamas and played games into the early hours of the morning together, she’d hardly known them then but she’d hope she’d feel like she did that night forever, happy, loved.

Judy pulls Jen towards her with her free arm, wrapping it around Jen’s neck in a side hug. “Thank you, I love it”

Jen grins and shrugs her shoulders, her chin slightly resting on her left shoulder.

“Put it on for me?” Judy holds it out to her and pulls her hair forward.

Jen takes the chain and fiddles with the lock to get it open, it takes a while and Jen mutters a few ‘fucks’ before she eventually manages to open the catch, she quickly wraps the necklace around Judy’s neck and fastens it’s, her hands linger on Judy’s neck as she does and goosebumps appear on fairly tanned skin. If Jen sees Judy blush and tense, she doesn’t mention it, she drops her hands to her own lap and smiles.

“Done”

Judy pulls the locket from the front and opens it again just to see the photos inside. “I’m never gonna take it off” She says with a serious face, still inspecting the pictures with a huge grin.

“How are you feeling? About tomorrow”

“What’s tomorrow? You taking me out Harding..?” She jokes and then sighs at Jen’s serious face.

“Ha ha” Jen nudges her shoulder and bends her head forward to try and meet Judy’s eyes.

Judy sighs again. “I’m okay” There’s that smile again that clearly tells Jen she’s far from okay.

“Is your bag ready?”

Judy nods. “Packed it earlier”

“I’m gonna be waiting for you at the hospital when you wake up okay?”

“-if”

Jen snaps her head to her practically glaring. “Shut up”

“ _When_ you wake up, I’ll be there, the boys are going to Lorna’s while we’re at the hospital tomorrow, they wanna sit with you before so the step monsters gonna pick them up from there”

“Lorna knows?” Judy asks.

Jen nods, “Charlie told her, hope you don’t mind, it was kinda by accident apparently”

Judy shrugs. “I don’t mind, I guess we should start to tell other people too, like Christopher and everyone at work” She frowns, her hands fiddling with the locket.

Jen takes her hands in between her own. “Whatever you want”

*

Judy rests her head against the car window, the cool glass against her warm forehead grounds her in a way, the radio playing softly in the background helps calms her nerves but only a little. At her feet is the bag that she’s packed her containing the usual pyjamas and toiletries and Judy’s baby blanket, Jen had added it in last night while Judy was asleep and this morning Judy had stumbled upon it when she added her toothbrush to the bag, she’d smiled and thanked Jen for the sweet gesture. She stares outside at the blur of other cars and the occasional tree tree that they pass, she smiles as she notices a school trip going on, around thirty children and two adults are crossing the road together, the little ones who can’t be more than seven years old hold hands as they cross the roads wearing bright yellow high vis jackets. She hears them giggling and chatting amongst each other as Jen slows the car at the crossing, it reminds her that the world is still going on outside of this car and will still be while she’s unconscious in an operating theatre.

...

She feels a warm hand on her thigh and lifts her head up.

“We’re here” Jen says, not making a move to step out of the car though her seatbelt is off.

The boys are silent in the back, Charlie’s just took his headphones off and balanced them around his neck.

Judy nods, taking a deep breath before un-clicking her seatbelt.

The four of them head inside the hospital, it’s a different entrance than the one Jen and Judy went in last time and they get lost about three times before finding the right ward. Judy quickly checks in with the receptionist before they take a seat near the corner. Henry’s eyes light up at the various magazines on the table and he grabs one to read, ignoring Charlie’s eye roll. Jen grabs one of them too and turns to the crossword page, she folds the page, pressing it down at the spine, and then places it over hers and Judy’s laps, Judy smiles gratefully and grabs the pen she keeps in on her at all times in her bag, “ _you never know when you’ll need a pen Jen! They’re often really essential items”_ she’d once told Jen.

Jen points to a number, reading aloud “2 down, ‘to evoke or awaken’…”

She thinks for a while and then draws a blank, “I’m shit at these”

Judy leas over and fills in the boxes, “arouse” She winks at Jen after and smirks.

“Jesus no need to announce it Judes there are children present” Jen says, covering her hand jokingly and pointing her finger to Charlie and Henry sat a few chairs away from them messing with the kids toys laid out on a corner table.

Judy giggles, like...literally fucking giggles like Jen remembers school girls doing, and before she can come back with a witty remark her name is called and they’re ushered through to a hospital room, Judy’s handed a gown to change into and the nurse tells her a doctor will be along shortly. The boys head to the vending machine while Judy changes, Jen doesn’t bother to avert her eyes, instead she holds Judy’s hand as she steps out of her trousers, folding them up after and making a pile beside Judy’s bed for her clothes.

She helps her into the bed, the boys come back with crisps and chocolate bars and _no change_ even though Jen gave them like five dollars, seriously hospital snacks are so fucking expensive these days. Looking at Judy like this all vulnerable and hooked up to a wire that goes in her hand and dressed in a hospital gown reminds Jen of the months she’d spend sitting in this exact same position with her mother, granted her mother looked a lot more sick than Judy. She hopes she’ll never see that level of pure emptiness and exhaustion in Judy’s eyes.

The doctor comes in then to prepare Judy for the operation, he walks her through the procedure, they’ll remove as many of the cancerous cells as they can, he tells her that just before they start the surgery they’ll put TED stockings on her legs which basically helps against blood clotting.

“…You will usually have a tube to drain urine from your bladder. It is usually taken out a few days after your surgery, but sometimes it may need to stay in for longer”

From the corner of Jen’s eye she sees Henry widen his eyes as the doctor explains everything to Judy, she reaches to give his hand a squeeze.

“When can she get out of this place?” Charlie asks, Jen glares at him and sends an awkward smile the doctors way.

“A few days, probably 3-7 depending on how well she recovers, overall the debunking surgery should go well, then further down the line there will be talks of when Judy will be starting her dose of chemotherapy”

Judy nods. “Sounds…okay”

Jen knows she’s lying, her face looks like a deer in headlights.

A loud beeping alarm has the doctor excusing himself before quickly exiting the room, he tells her a nurse will be back in a few moments to take her down to the operating room. Lorna arrives to pick up Henry and Charlie the second he leaves, Jen sees her standing outside the room, Judy wave she’d inside.

“Jennifer I’m here for the boys”

Charlie and Henry are already gathering their overnight bags from the bedside table.

“Judy, I wish you well” Lorna says and manages a genuine smile, Judy smiles back. “Thank you Lorna, and thanks for having the boys”

“Yeah thanks Lorna, Charlie has football tomorrow so-“

“Yes yes, you worry about Ms Hale not about Charlie’s _activities”_ she says with more than a little disdain lacing her tone, she hates sports, especially physical ones like football.

Jen nods and hugs the boys goodbye, telling them to behave and not to worry. Judy hugs them from her bedside, kissing both their heads as they pull away from her. “I love you Judy” Henry says, squeezing her once more.

“I love you both so much” Judy says with tears clouding her eyes.

“Us too” Charlie says. “See you soon”

A nurse comes to collect Judy way too quickly and Jen feels like shoving her back out of the room and telling her to come back in like…never, but Judy’s pillow is already been lowered into a laying down position and her bed is already being moved. Jen stands quickly, grabbing a hold of Judy’s hand. _Fuck, this is real._

“Alright Judy honey we’re ready if you are”

Judy shakes her head, a grimace appearing on her face as she grips Jen’s hand. “I’m scared”

The nurse steps back to give them a little space, thank god, Jen thinks. She leans forward over Judy and pulls out the necklace that she’s got around her still, she shakes the locket a little in front of a Judy. “Try not to be scared baby, I know-I know it’s so fucking scary and trust me I’m feeling it too but, remember this? It’ll keep you safe right?” Jen says encouragingly, she doesn’t believe any of that bullshit but she knows Judy does and saying it out loud will make her feel better, at least a little bit.

Judy takes the locket with her other hand and nods, placing it back under her gown against her chest. The female nurse is accompanied by another nurse now and they’re starting to wheel Judy down the ward. Jen grips Judy hand and walks quickly alongside the moving bed. “Fuck Judy I love you so fucking much-“

“I love you too” Judy rushes to get out.

“You don’t even understand how much Judy like-I can’t do this without you, I, I cant be without you” Jen says, she’s bending her head to hide the tears but they fall onto Judy’s head as she leans further into her, her back arching as she tries to keep up with the nurses whore now wheeling the bed a little faster. The hand Jen’s holding is like an anchor to a balloon, keeping Judy beside her. She can’t let go, she doesn’t wanna let go but she knows that as soon as they go through these double doors she’ll have to and Judy will be taken away from her, alone, scared as doctors surround her and put her into a deep sleep where they’ll be cutting her open and doing _all sorts._

Fuck. _She hates this._

Judy’s hand tightens on Jen’s hand, she’s panicking but the fear on a Jen’s face is making it ten times worse, she can’t imagine this the other way round, if it was Jen being carted off somewhere to be operated on while she waited for god knows how long. The only thing that comes close is the dreaded fear she’d felt when she’d woken up in the hospital after the crash and Jen was down the other end of the A&E ward in a coma, but at least she’d been able to see her straight away. She focuses on remembering Jen’s gorgeous piercing eyes and soft long hair as it tickles her bare collarbone.

The doors automatically open and Judy is wheeled through, Jen’s grip on her hand begins to loosen so she does the same, their fingers latching on to each others until the last minute and then a second passes and Judy’s holding onto thin air.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Everything feels uncomfortable. Her stomach feels like it’s been ripped out by someone’s bare hands and then nailed back into her body, it aches so fucking much.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was a piece of work, I just couldn’t get it right ya know? Like...ugh anyways here it is. I hope it’s okay.

Tick. Tock.

…

Tick, tock.

_Fuck. Off._

The clock on the wall is driving her fucking crazy, the plastic cup that contained a disgustingly weak hospital coffee falls victim to Jen’s frustrations, her hands crunching the cup in her clammy hands before abruptly standing and shoving it in the bin. It’s only been 10 minutes since Judy had been wheeled down into the operating room and Jen’s tried grabbing the attention of two doctors already that are probably nothing to do with Judy’s op to ask how it’s going. She feels sick with nerves, she’s not even sure why because it’s just an operation and Judy will be a lot better after having some of the cancer removed, it’s a good step towards her becoming healthy again.

Time passes by like a fucking snail in a race, she’s been to get a snack from the vending machine about five minutes ago even though it feels more like five years. She frowns at the Oreos she’s bought in her hands, they weren’t Entenmann’s cookies and Judy wasn’t sitting her sharing them with her, it didn’t real right. She finishes one and pockets the other, maybe when Judy can eat properly she can have it after her surgery. She leans back in the uncomfortable waiting chair, it’s softer than the ones in the main waiting area and it’s padded at least but it’s still a bit too solid for her liking. Her forehead rests against her hands and she closes her eyes and, the bright lights in the room are starting to give her a headache. She hopes the surgery’s going okay, she thinks back to sitting in this exact same position (not the same hospital obviously) many years ago with her grandparents and her dad, her grandma would be pacing along the ward every five minutes waiting for her mom to come out of surgery. The waiting is the worse part of it all, along with the corpse like appearance of patients while getting chemotherapy or while they’re asleep after an operation. She remembers her mom didn’t wake for hours, just laying there all pale and not moving. She can’t imagine being beside an unconscious Judy, _her Judy_ who’s always laughing and chattering and moving in for a hug or to hold a hand whenever she feels.

She knows this is just the beginning and that these next few months are gonna be hell for Judy, she needs to start preparing, maybe they should set up a bed downstairs in case she’s too weak to make it up their fairly steep stairs. _No. Judy would hate that._ At least the tv is upstairs she thinks, that way Judy won’t even have to move an inch to get some entertainment, she remembers coming home from school and visiting her mom in the master bedroom upstairs, she never came out really, only for hospital appointments.

Half an hour turns into a full hour, and Jen’s getting restless. _Surely Judy should be finished by now? Unless something’s gone wrong. No. Shut up Jen._ She peaks through the blinds in the waiting room and sees a gazillion doctors rushing patients left right and centre, along with other families gathered in different spaces on the corridor. The opening of the door startles Jen a little bit she turns around quickly, heading up to the doctors and blurting our “How’s Judy? Is she out of theatre? Did it go okay?”

A hand is placed on her forearm and she fights the urge to shrug it off, all she cares about is Judy, not some pathetic attempt at comforting her, but Judy once told her she had to be _nicer (ew)_ to people so she contains herself and waits fairly patiently for the doctor to speak.

He removes his arm. “Judy is out of surgery, it all went as we expected, we managed to remove a substantial amount of the cancerous cells which is a good thing…” he beckons her to follow him and she quickly grabs her handbag and jacket before following him.

“She’s probably going to be asleep for a while, she’ll be slightly out of it and even more so if we have to up the pain medication” he tells her as they walk along the ward to a room on the left. The blinds are closed and she can’t see inside, she just can’t wait to see Judy so she puts her hand on the door ready to push it open and the doctor takes the hint. “There’s a yellow button incase you need emergency attention, there’s also a cot in the room incase you’re staying-“

“I’m staying”

“Well, our nurses will bring blankets and sheets if you tell them when they come to check Judy’s tube and vitals later on, speak soon” He gives her a quick smile and then hurries off in the opposite direction.

She pushes the door open and lets it slowly close shut behind her, her eyes well up at the sight of Judy, who looks so small and fragile under the heavy duvet she’s wrapped up in. Peaking out at the top of the bed is Judy’s head, and upon a closer look she sees a thin tube coming out of Judy’s nostrils and connecting to one of the half a dozen other machines next to her bed. Drips feed into Judy’s body, one through her wrist and another through her stomach area, Jen can see a bag near her waist under her bed, she assumes that’s the bag that catches waste. She realises she’s still stood up so she goes to drag the chair as close as she can to the bed. It’s weird, she thinks, being in a room with Judy in complete silence, well apart from the constant sound of the heart monitor beeping. She stares at the lines on the screen, she should be annoyed at the repetitive beeps but instead she finds herself comforted by it, it reminds her Judy’s okay, and she’s _just sleeping._ Her hand finds Judy’s on the bed, it’s still warm, like always, and it sends tingles through her own icy cold ones. She squeezes her left hand, desperate to feel something back but her hand doesn’t move. Instead Jen brings it up to her own lips, kisses her knuckles and then envelopes her petite hand in both of her own.

…

It’s dark, and her eye lids feel heavy, as if they’re clamping themselves shut and gluing to the bottom lid. She feels an aching near her stomach, a sort of stinging pain that makes its way across her abdomen. It feels as though she’s in some kind of dream world, where the darkness dominates her senses but there’s also a distant light, hammering on her eye lids that refuse to open, and muffled noises like beeping and the scuffling of feet. She tries to move her legs, she manages to wiggle her toes slightly and they tingle with pins and needles. She tilts her head, leaning her cheek further into the soft pillow behind her head. There’s soft hands over her own and she moves her fingers a little, twisting her hand to squeeze a thumb.

She prises her eyes open, grimaces and then shuts them again because _jesus it’s bright_ and the light rays literally burn into her pupils. Trying again, she manages to squirm and avoid the heaviest bean of light by turning her head further to the left only to see blonde hair laid across part of her bed, some of it tickles her hand and she moves it slowly, heavy with the Jen’s hands clamping over here. She licks her lips and clears her throat, “Jen” she tries but it hardly comes out audible. Moving her hand out from Jen’s grip, she strokes the top of Jen’s head lazily.

She doesn’t expect Jen to jump up, a little bit of drool left on the bed and the corner of her lips but she won’t mention it, blurting out a “what? What’s going on?”, she’s still half asleep. Jen looks around, eyes almost crossed over as she tried to blink her eyes back open, and then realises where she is and that Judy’s awake. She stands up abruptly, hovering over Judy and bringing a hand to softly trace her jaw. “Hey, you’re awake…” she says, voice laced with sleep.

Judy smiles lazily at her, her eyes not able to quite focus yet so they dart around Jen’s face. She reaches an arm up to Jen and takes a strand of hair in between her fingers, curling it around them before dropping her heavy arm back to her side. “I think so, unless I’m dead cos-“ she giggles at something and Jen frowns, looking down at her with amused eyes. “…I can see an angel above me” The words are mumbled and Jen laughs lightly at her, the doctor had warned her that Judy would be out of it, she was used to it anyways because Judy’s _always_ ‘out of it’; either from getting awfully drunk or extremely high, to be fair though she’s usually the drunk one.

Judy coughs then, and then can’t stop coughing so Jen fetches the plastic cup of water she’d bought in here earlier for when Judy wakes up and helps her take a drink, holding the cup and the back of Judy’s head for support. She winces afterwards and scratches at the drip injected into her arm, Jen moves to pull her hand away quickly, “woah, woah.” Judy rolls her head back and grits her teeth. “I don’t want this it’s not comfy” she pulls a face that literally looks like she’s screwing her whole face up and Jen sighs, she wraps the duvet over her arm so she can’t see the drip and wires. “You gotta leave it there Jude, it’s giving you medicine to make you feel better-“ Jen sits down. “Speaking of, are you in pain? Cos I can press this button to up the pain relief if I need to?”

Judy nods her head, she wants to literally tear off of this bed, rip all the wires out of her and leave the hospital, the smells are all too medicated and funky and the lights are probably gonna blind her soon. Everything feels uncomfortable. Her stomach feels like it’s been ripped out by someone’s bare hands and then nailed back into her body, it aches so _fucking_ much. Her head also feels so cloudy and to be honest she has no idea what she’s even doing here.

“Make it stop Jen…” she groans and clutches Jen’s forearm.

“Honey, what? What is it?”

“It hurts”

Jen clicks the button that should increase the pain relief, she decides to call for a doctor too just to be on the safe side. He doesn’t take long and then he helps hire the bed so Judy can sit upright, he shows them the buttons after so they can do it themselves. There’s a long explanation about Judy’s recovery, Jen’s listening intently to his advice (unlike Judy who’s eyes are rolling into the back of her head sleepily) for what to do when Judy’s able to come home, how long she’ll have to rest for, how long she’ll be in pain for…etc.

“…For a few days Judy will be given pain medicine through a drip or via a local anaesthetic injection into the abdomen, there may be vaginal bleeding at a later date, perhaps once she’s home but it’s a normal response, obviously there will be no physical activity…”

He goes on for about ten minutes, talking Jen through how Judy can give herself injections to help with blood clots just incase she needs them later and then he gets a call on his little doctor walker thing and he’s off before Jen can thank him.

Jen spends the rest of the evening sat beside a sleeping Judy, she’d fell asleep after the doctor had left and hasn’t woken up since, she figures she needs it. Charlie had called her earlier and she’d stepped outside of the hospital for a bit to talk to him because the phone signals mess with some of the hospital equipment. He’d said Lorna was driving him “ _up the fucking walls”_ but Henry was having a good time at least, and they were getting pizza later so he’d said that makes up for the annoying cheek squeezing and her turning the wifi off. She’d spoken to Henry after and he’d asked about Judy and when they could see her, she’d told him as soon as Judy got moved from the theatre ward to the ordinary hospital ones then Lorna could drop them off to sit with her for a while. It probably wouldn’t be until tomorrow though so she wished them both an early goodnight and then headed back to Judy.

A nurse is checking her vitals when she gets back, and she’s surprised to see Judy up and talking the woman’s ear off, she catches the end of the conversation about…grapes? She nudges the door open with her shoulder, her hands holding some hot chocolate she’d fetched quickly from the café downstairs.

Judy’s eyes widen as soon as she walks in. “Hi!”

“Hey…”

“Hii!”

The nurses finishes up, gesturing to a pile of sheets on the cot bed in the corner.

“Someone’s looking a little better” Jen says, wincing and making an “eesh” sound as she rushes to set the drinks down. Her fingers are probably gonna blister because the cups were so fucking hot so she hopes the hit chocolate tastes nice at least.

“I’m feeling it” Judy says, her voice a lot brighter but still a little groggy.

Jen sits back on the chair from earlier, stretching her back and arms.

“Sit” Judy pats the bed.

“Jude I can’t”

“Why not?” She shrugs and begins to scooch over on the bed, grimacing a little as she does. Jen reaches for her arm.

“Judy! I’ll hurt you”

Judy frowns. “You could never” She pats the bed again and her eyes move back and forth between the small space she’s made and back up to Jen. “ _Sit”_ She says again, or demands.

Jen tuts, still not really keen on the idea of squishing up on the bed with Judy who’s literally been sliced open and sewn back together, but if Judy wants it then she guesses she’ll _get it_. She perched on the end of the bed, receives a glare from Judy and then huffs, swinging her legs on the bed next to Judy’s, and wrapping her right arm around Judy to give them more room, and because she just felt like it.

“You don’t have to stay you know, those things are so uncomfortable” Judy nods over to the makeshift bed, it looks more like a piece of wood with a camping mat on top so Jen can imagine how badly her back will be aching after sleeping (or rather, not sleeping) on it.

“I’m staying” she says anyway.

Judy smiles. “Well, thanks…How are the boys?” She asks and Jen tells them all about Charlie’s struggles of being in Lorna’s company for more than a few hours.

*

Jen awakes the next morning with sore muscles and a back that feels like she’s walking around with a kilo of lead tied around her. Judy’s already awake, she’s fiddling with the remote control for the bed, pressing each of the buttons before it finally does what she wants it to do and lifts up into a sitting position.

“Good morning” Judy says cheerily, she stretches an arm, wincing a little at the strain, to reach for the glass of water on her bedside table and Jen stands quickly, cracking her back while fetching the drink for a Judy.

“Jesus Judy it’s been like not even a day and you’re already over exerting yourself” Jen huffs and hands her the water, holding it under Judy’s chin to tilt back for her until Judy prises Jen’s hand off the glass to hold it for herself.

“By reaching for a glass of water?” She questions before taking a sip.

“Stretching” she corrects, “for a glass of water, _stretching_ that could cause a stitch to split” Jen says.

Judy widens her eyes, she’s kinda amused at Jen acting all flappy and fussy around her but she’s also grateful because she’s never had someone take care of her before, even when she had chicken pox or the cold or the flu when she was younger, her mom just used to tell her to deal with it because that’s what adults do. She’ll probably never get used to the feeling of being cared for.

“Sorry dr Harding” Judy says sarcastically, Jen tells her to “fuck off and drink your water” before putting it back on the bedside drawers for her.

Judy’s brought some hospital breakfast, and it looks like a bowl full of mush but Judy spoons some into her mouth while the nurse is there and tells her how great it is. The nurse smiles, telling her she’ll pass the compliment along to ‘Freda’ who’s apparently the hospital chef. _Chef_ , Jen thinks, she could be a _chef_ in her dreams looking at that gunk. As soon as she leaves the room Judy spits it into the bowl, making vomiting noises and hands the tray to Jen.

“ _It’s great! So tasty and delicious!”_ Jen mocks Judy’s previous words and Judy slaps her lightly on the arm.

“Throw it in the bin please?”

“With pleasure” Jen scoops the thick porridge (she thinks it’s porridge anyway but it could be anything truly; wall paper paste, sick, shit) into the small bin in the corner of Judy’s hospital room and leaves the empty bowl and tray on the drawers. Jen’s eyes light up and she goes to get her jacket, rummaging through the deep pockets before finding the Oreo she’d had left over from earlier.   
  


“Here, saved you this” 

Judy takes it with a grin, and begins taking the Oreo apart like a fucking child, eating the top first and then scraping the white creamy inside part with her teeth, finishing with the biscuit. 

They move Judy to another hospital room later on, now that she’s conscious she doesn’t have to stay in the theatre ward. There’s fake flowers and a vase in this room and it’s a little brighter than her other one. Charlie and Henry come by with Lorna around 2 in the afternoon, up until then Jen’s been finding personality quizzes (Judy’s request) on the internet and letting Judy take each and _ever_ y one, and she’d made Jen take them with her. Turns out Judy’s definitely a Tootie after all, she was more than ecstatic when the Facts Of Life Buzzfeed Quiz had said she was Tootie. The boys arrive with flowers in hand and grapes from Lorna, and a card that Henry’s drawn for her. Judy thanks Lorna for the grapes, she stays for a while and asks about the plans going forward in Judy’s treatment, then she gets a call from a potential buyer for a house she’s selling and has to head out.

Charlie sits beside Jen on a chair and Henry sits at the bottom of Judy’s bed. He’s asking her questions about the operation, “were you awake?”, “did you feel anything?”, “were you in a coma like mom was after the crash?” And Judy answers them all patiently.

“I can’t wait for you to come home” Henry says.

“Me too” Judy replies.

“It’s gonna be weird without you at home” Charlie says, removing the other earphone he’d had in.

That’s true, Jen thinks. She hasn’t been without Judy in months, even when she’d been in the hospital Judy had slept on one of the cot beds and they’d gone home together the next afternoon, Jen had basically forced the doctors to discharge her claiming that there was no need for her to stay.

The only other time Jen hasn’t slept beside Judy was when Judy had stayed at Michelle’s, but that was history and there had been no one else for ages now. Since Judy had come into her life she hasn’t had trouble sleeping like before, the first conversation over the phone had allowed Jen to sleep properly and ever since she’d not had any sort of insomnia or nightmares that prevent her from sleeping. Her beds gonna be empty too, Judy always steels the covers and stretches all the way across onto her side, _‘side’_ ha, there’s no sides of the bed when it comes to sleeping with Judy. The full mattress is Judy’s ‘side’, but when she wakes up and she feels a warmth pressing against her, hugging her from behind or a leg draped over hers, a cold foot against her warm thigh, she thinks she wouldn’t have it any other way.

*

Charlie was right, it’s strange without Judy, she misses her and it’s barely been two hours. They’d stayed with Judy right up until visiting hours was over, Jen hard argued with the doctors but Judy’s ‘stop arguing’ face had made her back off and agree to go home, shower and come back in the morning rested. She’d sent the boys to the car while she said goodbye to Judy, and she’s highly fucking embarrassed now remembering the blubbering mess she was, she’d literally cried on Judy’s shoulder because she didn’t want to leave her all alone in the hospital, how fucking stupid and pathetic and _co-dependant._ They really were merging into the same person. Crawling into bed that night felt empty and cold instead of warm and cosy like it usually did, and she almost goes to call Judy but remembers that patients weren’t supposed to use phone signals around the machinery. She texts though, data’s different than signal right? She opens Facebook messaged, she never uses it but Judy had insisted she downloaded it so they could communicate over the laptop and things incase Jen’s phone ever died. She’s definitely glad Judy had created a profile for her now as she opens a message with Judy, there’s no previous messages, just a ‘poke’ from Judy’s profile, whatever that means.

She types out, **‘I miss you’** but then erases it, deciding to go for ‘ **Hey, this beds actually kinda big, who knew ;)’** and then internally saying to herself ‘fuck it’, before typing **‘I fucking miss you’** and then shuffling down the bed to wait for a response.

She sighs fifteen minutes later after still not receiving a response, maybe Judy’s data isn’t working, _stop being fucking clingy Jen._ She closes her eyes and tries to imagine Judy beside her, a ping on her phone startles her and she jumps slightly, laughing at herself before opening the notification on her phone.

It’s Judy. **‘Try get some sleep, you were tossing and turning all night on the cot I heard you. I miss you too, goodnight xxx’**

Jen smiles, turning her phone back off and closing her eyes again.

‘ **I love you x’**


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I’m reacting pretty fucking reasonably, Judy could’ve died-“

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait for this chapter, I have acrylic nails on so it’s kinda hard typing a lot haha. 
> 
> I had to have some angst or arguing in this fic, Jen is an angry person so I had to show that somewhere throughout this journey. Be ready for the end :) 
> 
> If there’s any spelling mistakes of ‘fucking’ to ‘ducking’ please let me know haha. 
> 
> Thanks for reading :)

Jen visits Judy every day that she’s stuck in hospital, the boys in tow on most of her visits. She takes a laptop to work beside Judy’s bedside on some days and often just forgoes work altogether. They spend their time looking at holiday destinations because yes, Judy is still determined to go on holiday before the chemo starts, and if that’s what Judy wants then Jen will do anything and more to give it to her. Chemotherapy would be starting in around 8 weeks, so Judy’s worked out that if they try to book somewhere for in 4 weeks time, she should be recovered from her operation by then. Jen’s comprising on the destination though, instead of Europe hotels they’re sticking closer to home and driving instead of flying anywhere. Judy’s recovery is going well according to the doctor and the wound is healing nicely, neither of them have seen the actual stitches yet but Jen’s constantly telling Judy that no matter how big the scar, she’ll still be beautiful. Judy probably won’t think so though, she definitely doesn’t _love_ her scars like most people claim to do, but maybe if they love each others then it won’t matter.

Judy is discharged on day 4 and Jen gets the call literally five minutes before she’s about to go and see Judy anyway, she probably breaks all the speeding laws on her drive there but as if she fucking cares, Judy’s coming home. Judy has about four nurses to say goodbye too before she leaves, Jen contains the urge to hurry her along and as soon as she’s seen the last one and thanked her Jen takes her to the car, an arm around her waist and Judy’s hand pressing into hers for support. She’s a little wobbly on her feet but her little hobble does get more stable on the walk from the car to the house. The boys are waiting for her upon arrival, Henry has made an attempt at a pancake breakfast for Judy, Charlie assures them both it’s fine to eat (this time, Jen thinks) and he watches with beaming eyes while Judy slowly eats his chocolate chip pancakes, that she tells him were delicious. She manages to finish only two of the four Henry’s stacked on the plate though, but Jen finishes the others after skipping breakfast to go pick up Judy.

Showers rather than baths, the doctor had said, so Judy hops (more like struggles) into the shower after dinner that night, Jen’s on stand by to make sure she’s there incase she falls or needs anything. Judy’s assured her she’ll be fine, but she’s busying herself with folding some of the boys clothes up outside their en-suite bathroom, casually walking while folding next to the door that she’d left half open purposely. She’s folding one of Charlie’s jumpers when she hears a huge bang and a squeal and she dashes in there faster than light travels.

“What’s wrong? Have you fallen? Judy?”

“I’m fine I-“

They speak over each other, Jen’s panicked voice louder than Judy’s as she pulls the shower curtain back expecting to find Judy laid out on the bathroom floor maybe unconscious or clutching her stomach. She lets out a breath of relief when she’s still stood upright, and doesn’t seem to look in pain, she realises she’s reaching for something. A shampoo bottle that’s laid dripping out and mixing with the water.

“I dropped the shampoo and I can’t reach it” Judy says, an apologetic look on her face.

Jen huffs, at the steaming heat making her burn up and the worry leaving her gut. “Here” she hands it to her. “Um Judy maybe I should-“

Jen gestures to her hair with a nod of the head and holds the bottle as if to pour shampoo into her own hand, Judy meets her eyes and without saying anything, agrees. Pausing for a second, Jen wonders how she’s gonna be able to reach Judy’s hair without making her bend down, but then she strips herself of her clothes quickly, the bottle placed back stood upright on the shower floor while she does so. She puts her bath robe over her body and after fastening it at the front, she stands next to Judy in the shower, Judy’s body blocks most of the water anyway and she even turns the shower so that the water plummets more downwards instead of at an angle.

“Turn”

Judy does, and closes her eyes as she feels Jen’s long fingers working their way through her hair, carefully breaking the few knots and tangles as she gently massages the shampoo into Judy’s head. The waters dropped in temperature a little, one of the boys must be using the water downstairs, but Judy can’t bring herself to move out of Jen’s soothing hands to turn it back up. She could fall asleep.

“You’re not getting wet are you?” Judy asks. She moves some of the soap suds away from her eyes.

Jen scoffs a laugh, looking down at a darker patch on her robe that’s soaked wet through. “A little” Her hands glide down Judy’s hair and squeezes the bulk of the shampoo out of it. She steps back then, letting go of her hair that she’d held in a pony tail before reaching for the shower head, it’s kinda heavy so the water sprays everywhere as Jen tried to get a good stable hold on the shower head. Judy gasps as they water sprays over the toilet seat and the mirror.

“Fuck” Jen laughs, shaking her head and praying that it doesn’t leak or anything throughout the floor because that would be _all they needed_ right now.

Judy feels warm water run over her head and tilts her head back further, Jen’s hand runs down Judy’s hair to drain the shampoo.

Jen’s more than a little wet now and her robe will have to be put on a radiator for hours to dry but she knows Judy won’t have felt this relaxed in days, so she carries on and when she’s finished with the conditioner she grabs a towel and steps out of the shower to wrap Judy up in it. She feels Judy shiver under her hands so she rubs them up and down for a bit on her shoulders. After helping her out of the shower, she fetches Judy’s pyjamas and helps her change into them, holding her steady while she puts one leg at a time in the fleece bottoms. She buttons the long, red sleeved top up too even though Judy could have done it herself and receives a wide smile of appreciation from the brunette.

“Oh-where are your bandages?” Jen asks after helping Judy to the bed.

“Blue bag” Judy points and Jen finds it quickly, down by the bottom of the bed.

“Okay can you stand for me?”

Judy stands up and lifts her shirt to reveal the stitched up area. Jen hasn’t seen it really in the shower and when she’d caught glimpses of red she’d just ignored it, when she used to see her own scars in the mirror or shower or while getting dressed she used to peel her eyes away as if she’d been caught staring at something ugly and dangerous. Judy’s wound is still fresh though, there’s a bright red mark around the area, stitches scattered in a circular shape that look messy and near at the same time. It’s a little bruised too, the area around her abdomen dotted with deep blue and purple marks.

Jen feels Judy’s hand under her chin to tilt her head away from where she’d been starring at the wound, _what a fucking idiot Jen._ Jen quickly shakes her head. “Sorry Jude-“

“It’s okay” Judy’s typical response.

“No it’s not” Jen raises her eyebrows for emphasis. “I was starring like a fucking kid at a candy store I’m sorry” Jen shakes her head at herself.

“How can you even bare to look?” Judy asks bewildered, her eyes darting to the floor as she unconsciously moves her her hand to pull the top over the wound.

“It’s not that bad Judy” Jen says, trying to comfort her despite knowing that it _is_ that bad, it looks like something from fucking Frankenstein, just like her own chest does, but it’s a part of Judy so it doesn’t matter what it looks like.

“It’s ugly, it’ll probably never fade” Judy says.

“It will Judy. It’s gonna look like a horror movie right now because you’ve just had surgery” Jen says, she takes Judy’s fiddling hand in her own and holds them between herself and Judy. “But it will get better, and eventually it’ll just look like a scar, like mine” She says, the last few words quieter than the others and Judy knows not to say anything because Jen hates talking about her own body. The only times she ever has had been just dropped casually into a conversation as if it didn’t bother her but Judy knew better, and Jen had confessed as much _that night,_ that night when everything had changed and Judy had made an enemy out of the only person she truly loved, she’s so glad she was able to change that, she’s Jen’s person now.

“But hey, you should look at it” Jen pulls the shirt up again and Judy feels cool air hit against raw skin.

She manages to glimpse at it a little, she’s not surprised Jen started at it. It’s huge, and covers up a lot of her stomach area on the left, she’ll definitely not be able to wear jeans for a while. Judy eyes roam over the raised skin, the stitches, the mark left over from where the tube had been entered. It makes her feel sick, that her body was basically taken apart and now she’s looking at the result.

“…because it’s always gonna be a part of you now” Jen continues. She brings a warm hand to trace over the wound slowly, it tickles Judy and she feels her stomach tense. “And it’ll remind you of how fucking strong you are Judy”

Judy’s breath hitches and she shakes her head unconvinced. “Judy, trust me…You look like you’re fucking superwoman or something, you’re amazing”. Judy smiles and takes another look, it’s not so daunting this time and she watches as Jen’s hand traces the stitches softly.

“And look…” Jen outlines something with her finger.

“What?” Judy sniffs and purses her lips confused.

“Look-“ Jen traces the stitches and marks, as if she’s drawing a pattern and says “It kinda looks like a flower”

Judy looks down again, sees the shape Jen’s trying to point out, she guesses in a strange unique way it could resemble a flower, if Jen thinks so then…it must do. “Really?”

“Fuck yeah…see”

Jen’s drawing the pattern out with her fingers again, connecting the stitches together and Judy giggles, her heart warming at this supposedly hard faced ‘bitch of a woman’ looking at a gruesome surgery wound and telling her that it looks like a flower. While Jen wraps the wound up in a bandage, circling the wide roll of soft material around Judy’s waist a few times before taping it to her side, Judy wonders how she got so lucky.

*

A week since coming home from the hospital and Judy’s definitely beginning to feel the boredom of being stuck in the house all day long. Jen’s at work on the days Charlie and Henry are home, and if she needs to go grocery shopping last minute or attend a last minute meeting she’ll message Karen or Christopher to come and sit with Judy. They’d been told a few days ago when Jen had insisted on telling those closest to them, Judy knew Jen was worrying about leaving her home alone for long while at work so she’d agreed to tell them for Jen’s peace of mind. Although, she was kinda glad they knew too and she didn’t have to tell them directly and receive the typical looks of pity or sorrow, at least Jen worried a little less about her in the day and she could spend time with Karen, who even Jen admits is a lot more fun (she may have used the word bearable) to be around now that she’s rid of Jeff. She’s definitely entertaining, her stories of hook ups after using a dating site never fail to amuse at least.

There’s only so much sitting around watching tv she can take though, she can’t even text Jen like usual-when Jen was in meetings or house viewings she could always spare a text or…twenty-because she’s still driving to some apartment that’s about 45 minutes away, she’d left about 10 minutes ago; dropping the boys at different places on her way there so Judy was alone for the first time since she’d been back. The house is deathly silent, she’s turned the tv off and she sits there starting at a drawing she’d been doing. Her hands are tired from drawing so much over these past few days, she’d probably finished a piece a day because what else can she do. The doctors had told her to keep moving if she could, but slowly and one step at a time, and they’d been going on short walks while Henry tried out a new bike (Charlie’s old one that’s just been given to him) and Judy could hardly make it to the end of the road. Henry didn’t mind though, he’d just ride up and down the street or meet them halfway back to the house after circling around the block. She enjoyed the fresh air but hated the feeling of clinging onto Jen because she couldn’t even make it a few metres down the street, no one ever comes out around the neighbourhood anyways, except Shandy and Henry’s friend Tyler who lives across from them, but while hobbling along the street breathless and week Judy had felt eyes on her from every direction. She’d been almost…embarrassed, at how Jen strolled while she practically crawled beside her.

It’s those days where she feels a burden the most, like if she slipped away her family would have it much easier. Jen’s taken to tending to her wound even though she’s able to do it, and the voices in her head are fighting each other, one loves that Jen takes care of her, adores the rare kindness in Jen’s heart that she only shows to herself and the boys, appreciates Jen’s endless help, while the other voice is screaming at her; she doesn’t deserve it, there’s only gonna be _hurt_ and _pain_ in the end, and that Jen is just doing this because she feels like she has to. Maybe to make it up to her for lying about murdering Steve in rage instead of self defence. Maybe because Judy helped her through her grief and hide a body. Maybe because Judy’s just letting her, allowing Jen to become so washed up in being her _nurse_ that she’s unable to do anything she really wants. Maybe Jen’s trapped, here with her.

As if on queue to interrupt her spiralling thoughts, Jen texts her.

**‘Hey, stuck in traffic. Kill me x’**

Immediately Judy smiles and types our a response.

**‘Hi! Stuck in bed, kill me ;) x’**

… **‘You better be in bed RESTING.’**

**‘All I ever do is rest, I’m boredddd** **x’**

Judy thinks the traffic must have moved ahead because she doesn’t get a response for a few minutes, she tries reaching for the glass of orange juice on the bedside table without moving but it only strains her more so she shuffled along the bed to get it. She hears a ping and quickly takes a drink before setting it back down.

**‘You’re Judy Hale, you’re never bored, listen to your meditation CD’s or play with your magic crystals’**

Judy sends a middle finger emoji and a shrugging one. **‘You better go before you get pulled over and get another ticket ;), can’t blame it on the gps this time x’**

**‘Who says?’** …. **’traffics moving, c u later x’**

Judy grins and sends a love heart emoji back.

She sighs and settles back into the silence, there’s literally nothing interesting on tv and she has no inspiration to draw, so she heads downstairs slowly. She struggles a little on the stairs but she’s surprisingly a lot steadier than usual, hopefully a sign that her recovery will start speeding up soon. The kitchens still a mess from this mornings breakfast so Judy tidies the counters, putting the Nutella away, washing the plates and drying the sticky counter tops.

It’s just gone 3pm by the time she finishes, and Jen isn’t due home until after 5, the boys will be starving by the time they’re home though so she looks through the counters and decides to try and make dinner. She searches up a new recipe for chicken tacos, Henry’s new favourite meal after him and his friends went to Taco Bell for the first time, she’ll make veggie ones for herself with the half a dozen cans of beans no one uses in the top cupboard. They’re out of taco shells, so she’s trying to make her own, she’s got the salt and baking powder but the flour is in the top cupboard that she can’t reach, especially now that she can’t stretch, usually she can reach if the bag is pushed towards the front but Jen has for each it if it’s further back, which she always gloats about. Trying to find something to stand on is tricky because she can’t really fit things yet like the chair or the small corner table with a picture frame on, but she manages to drag the footstool she uses when painting from the guesthouse to stand on. If Jen was here she’d probably throw a fit, but Jen’s not here and while they _never_ lie to each other anymore, what Jen doesn’t know won’t hurt her Judy figures.

She should have known not to listen to her stupid head that’s always rushing five hundred miles ahead and waiting for the real world and her body to catch up, because when she stands on the stool in her fluffy socks (they’re warmer than normal socks and the house is always cold, so what if they’re Henry’s old Mario ones that her small feet fit in) her right foot slips and she looses her balance, falling with a dull bang on the harsh cold tiles.

*

“Please mom, I’ll never ask for anything again”

Henry is driving her nuts, he wants a dog and if he doesn’t want a dog then he wants either a hamster, a budgie or a fish. He _will not_ stop asking about it, apparently Shandy’s mom had brought her a kitten so that she can try to learn some…non sociopathic feelings towards animals instead of just fucking giving them a life sentence like she did to ‘Henry’s bird’ and probably dozens of other butterflies and lady birds that pass her. Well, now Henry’s jealous because Shandy has a pet and not him, “ _even Tyler has a goldfish mom”_ he’d added when she asked “ _if Shandy jumped off a cliff would you? No, so we don’t have to copy everything Shandy does right Boop?”._ Even Charlie’s glad when the car finally pulls up outside home, he’s the first one in, grabbing his football bag and slamming the car door shut.

“Mom!”

“Mom hurry something’s happened to-“

Jen’s in the house before he can even say Judy’s name, her eyes bulge at the sight of Judy on the floor, clutching at her side. She’s not even supposed to be down here, she thinks, but quickly goes to help her up.

“What the fuck Judy what happened?”

“Um…” Judy hesitates, she’s been lead to sit on a stool by Jen and can feel two pairs of worried eyes on her, three when Henry bursts in and asks if she’s okay.

“Why are you even downstairs? I put a huge bottle of water in your room incase you needed a drink so you didn’t have to struggle down here-“

“I didn’t need a drink-“

“You know something really bad coulda happened I can’t even-“

They’re talking over each other and Charlie yells at them to stop, Henry’s concerned eyes flickering back and forth between the pair and lingering on Judy.

“Fucking stop it, everything doesn’t need to be an argument seriously” he says, slapping his hands against his trousers as if for emphasis.

“Yeah I don’t want you guys to break up…again”

Jen sighs a calming breath, and reaches for Henry’s hand, he gives it to her slowly and goes to stand beside Judy in between them both.

“So was the water not enough I left for you or…” Jen asks, a little calmer this time.

Judy looks at her and then away from her again, down to the floor, as she speaks. “It wasn’t that, I slipped off the stool, I was reaching for the flour to make dinner”

Jen’s angry meter accelerates right back up to the top and Judy grimaces knowing what’s coming.

“Judy! What the fuck!”

“I know you told me to rest-“

Jen scoffs. “The _doctors_ told you to rest Judy!”

“I know and I-“

“I mean it’s just so fucking _irresponsible-_ “ Jen pauses, stuttering over her words because she can’t seem to find the right ones for how angry she feels right now. She’ll later realise it’s more out of fear than anger. “…you couldn’t even wait til we were home! I coulda helped you downstairs and helped you reach the stupid fucking flour for whatever stupid fucking meal you were making-“

“Tacos” Judy chimes in.

“You know what, I can’t” Jen holds her hands up, stepping away from Judy and the boys who’re looking at their mom like she’s a crazy person, because right now she is.

“Mom you’re overreacting-“

“What have I told you about telling a woman she’s overreacting” she says to Charlie who just rolls his eyes and shakes his head at Judy.

“I’m reacting pretty fucking reasonably, Judy could’ve died-“ Even Jen knows that would have never happened and there’s like a one percent chance but she carries on spouting off, “we could have come home and found her there on the floor bleeding to death after her stitches had split all because of some _fucking tacos_ ”

And then Jen walks out, either to the guesthouse or the car neither of them know, leaving behind three shocked faces.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “She can picture it now, the patch of deep red splattered on the pristine white tiled floor like the time she’d dropped tomato soup everywhere and her mom had gone crazy at her for it.“

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! 
> 
> Haven’t posted in a while. I might do a little time jump the next chapter to somewhere round the time Judy’s started chemo? Or at least to the little weekend away trip they all take. 
> 
> Let me know ur opinions on this chapter. 
> 
> Also if there’s grammar errors and spelling mistakes pls tell me haha!

“Well that was fucking uncalled for”

Charlie remarks. The slam from the door still echoes in the kitchen, piercing through Judy’s ears and tears start to form in her eyes. She shakes her head anyway though, quickly drying her eyes and telling Charlie, “It’s okay”, the phrase might as well be engraved into her by now.

“Are you okay Judy?” The youngest asks, concerned eyes roam over Judy and focus in on Judy’s sad smile.

Judy nods, “I’m okay, I just need my painkillers do you think one of you could grab them for me please?”

Henry nods quickly, “upstairs right? In your blue purse” and he doesn’t wait for Judy’s answer before running up the stairs two at a time.

Charlie sighs and shakes his head. “How long were you on the floor?” He asks.

Judy shrugs. “Not long, maybe like a couple hours”

Charlie’s eyes widen. “Hours? Why didn’t you call us?”

“I couldn’t reach my phone” she nods over to where it’s set upon the microwave on the counter.

Judy sighs then and slides slowly off of the stool, her legs feel achy and her side is throbbing but the pain is dull enough to ignore while she goes to fetch a glass of water, her hands itch to do something because if she stops moving she’ll start thinking, and sometimes thinking is a dangerous path. She snaps herself out of wondering where Jen is and if she’s okay because she’ll only start to panic and make things worse.

Charlie watches her shaking hands turn the tap off, her right hand trembling from the weight of the full glass of water she’s filled. Then she tidies away all the ingredients she’d gotten out hours ago to start cooking, methodologically placing every ingredient back in its place one by one.

“Probably too late to start cooking now anyway, I’ll grab the phone will you order pizza or whatever you guys want?” Judy says, quickly walking over to grab the landline and reaching out for Charlie to take the phone from her.

“Judy please just stop” He says and he places a hand on her forearm to stop her from going to do the ten other imaginary jobs she’s created that _just need doing_.

“Stop what? You know I should maybe go and take out the trash because-“

“Judy!” He shouts and she flinches, he apologises immediately and the hand on her arm drops to his own side.

Judy sighs, her breath shuddering and she runs a hand through her hair, gripping a little harshly at her scalp and pulling her hair despite the tangles. “Jen can’t do this” She states, walking away from Charlie to sit on a stool. “I can’t ask her to do this, to be here for me because it’s hurting her _so_ much”

Charlie takes a seat beside her. “She loves you Judy”

“And I love her”

Charlie rolls his eyes. “She just doesn’t know how to show it”

Judy shakes her head. “No she does…It’s my fault that she’s angry, I should have listened to what everyone was telling me and just stayed in bed but _no_ I have to go and try to _do everything_ and ruin _everything_ like always-“

“You haven’t ruined anything, my mom has-“

“Don’t blame her Char” she says, teary eyes meet his and he sees nothing but love in them, they’re still as bright as the day she came to find him outside to ask if he wanted to order pizza for dinner, despite the illness slowly grasping hold of her she’s still here defending everyone else and hating on herself. He knew it must be something to do with Steve, he’d heard Judy tiptoe (she didn’t do a very good job, she’d stepped on the floorboard by his room that creaks loudly) into his moms room early on in their ‘friendship’ or whatever it was, is because he still doesn’t know why they’re not married yet or even just dating but that’s another issue, and she’d cried the whole night about Steve selling the house and basically forcing her out and Steve being the biggest fucking bully there is. He knew they were both glad he’s dead, it’s like when Steve was alive Judy carried round the world on her shoulders but as soon as the investigators started looking into Steve’s death and then confirming it, she’d blossomed in a way and that weight had completely lifted. Steve was dangerous his mom had once told him, he sincerely hopes he never hurt Judy at least physically. Asshole.

“I think maybe she’s just scared” Charlie says then.

Judy nods and reaches for his hand, smiling when he doesn’t pull away.

*

Darkness finally takes over the night sky and headlights are on the cars that drive past her far too fast and almost hit her with the side mirrors, she steps out of the way quickly, _she is walking in the middle of the road but fuck them._ Jen steps onto the curb, her tired legs carry on further and she doesn’t even know where she is, she’d just gotten out of the house and carried on walking. She’s never even driven past this side of her neighbourhood, if she’s even still in _her neighbourhood_ which she possibly could’ve walked out of in the hours she’s been walking. Maybe it’s just minutes though, minutes since she’d stormed out of the house like a ten year old throwing a tantrum over not getting a _certain fucking_ toy car in the store, leaving behind her kids and a woman with cancer who she’d most likely just broken even further with her disgusting vile mouth. She can’t blame it on anything apart from her stupid self, Charlie was right and she had overreacted. _Who fucking shouts at a sick person!_

“Oh!..” she gasps out loud, “fuck”, as a cat sits on a high wall meowing down at her, it’s probably judging her with claws ready to come out and pounce. It makes her jump and drop the full packet of cigarettes she’d pulled out of her pocket to smoke, but without a lighter she wasn’t getting very far. Jen takes a look at her surroundings then, there’s a corn field next to her, the cat jumps down off the wall right in front of her feet and scurries off in that direction. She takes her phone out of her pocket to use the flashlight to find the cigarette packet. _Jesus_. Of course it has to be dead.

There’s a small bus shelter, she doesn’t even think that particular one is in use anymore, literally no houses, just a small bungalow that’s besides an allotment. _Where the fuck is she_.

*

Judy and the boys are still awake, they’re sitting downstairs with something playing on the television that neither of them are watching, Charlie’s on his phone and Henry’s almost asleep, his head rests on her shoulder.

“Where is she?” Judy whispers, Charlie looks over at her from his phone and shrugs with a deep sigh.

“Maybe Christopher’s? Doubt it though” He says.

“She hasn’t even taken the car”

Judy chews on her fingernails worriedly, Jen could literally be anywhere. She wishes she’d just come home, she’s already forgiven her for shouting, she hopes Jen isn’t wallowing in guilt because of her slight breakdown earlier on. It’s freezing tonight as well, and it looks as if it’s about to rain, her weather app on her phone confirms that rain is forecasted. The last time Jen had left her and the boys alone with no explanation she’d ended up almost giving herself up for murder, well, she _did_ give herself up for murder. Judy will never forget the utter dread she’d felt pounding in her stomach when she’d turned over and found an emergency binder with three letters laid next to her instead of a pillow of wavy blonde hair.

She looks over Charlie’s shoulder for the time, eyes widening when it reads 22:04. Jen’s been out hours, the boys and herself have ate, she did leave most of it, stomach in knots without Jen being sat at the table with them, Jen hadn’t eaten all day, she knows because she’d seen her packed lunch she’d started making after Judy encouraged it, still in the fridge wrapped up. She must’ve forgotten it, Judy thinks and then starts thinking up all sorts of scenarios like Jen could be passed out after not eating all day or maybe some creep has picked her up, _what is Jen can’t punch her way out of this one._

“Have you tried calling?” Charlie asks but he doesn’t need her to answer because he’s already watched her hold the phone up to her ear and hold her breath when the ringing stops and a slight crackle comes from the other end, but then it’s just the automated voicemail speaking back to her and not his mom.

Judy nods her head, honestly she’s probably broken the button by the amount of times she’s pressed dial. “Just goes to voicemail”

*

She’s relieved when she reaches a phone box, it’s probably not even working but at least it’s shelter from the heavy rain that’s started thudding down from the night sky. She hasn’t even got a coat on, her hair sticks to the side of her face because it’s that sodden, it drips onto her skin that’s covered in goosebumps. Her blouse feels heavy and she pulls the soaked fabric away from her skin with numb fingers. Thankfully there’s some change in her pocket, she always carries it incase she needs to pay for a parking spot when at a house viewing or something, and Jen quickly inserts it into the slot on the rusty metal number pad, cursing when it rejects the coin and comes back out the first time. She uses her knuckle to press the stiff buttons, dialling a number that’s been engraved in her brain since she’d first found the slip of neatly folded paper in her pocket.

There’s a few rings and it’s hard to hear even with the phone pressed right up against the side of her face while the rain crashes against the ceiling of the phone shelter, rain sliding down the glass walls making it hard to see out. There’s a click and a muffle and Jen statins to hear the small “hello” on the other end.

“Jude?”

*

“Jen!? Where are you? Are you okay?”

She’s jolted up to grab her phone from the coffee table and she’s still leaning over it as Jen’s muffled voice comes through the other end. Judy’s never felt relief like it. Charlie’s stood too, eyes asking silent questions.

“C-can you come get me?”

“Of course, Charlie can drive-“ She can’t of course, surgery and all. “Where are you Jen?”

“I-I don’t even know…” Judy can hear Jen sniffle through the phone and her her pangs. “There’s a field, I think it a soccer field, and I passed an allotment and a pizza takeaway place about ten minutes ago…”

Judy’s put the phone on speaker and Charlie seems to have a lightbulb moment at the mention of the pizza place, “was it called ‘Big Dens’ Pizza Place?” He asks.

“Yeah actually! You know it?” Jen asks hopefully.

“We play soccer games on that exact field sometimes, come on Judy” Charlie says already going to find his keys. Judy’s never been more thankful for their decision to buy him a car and get his license.

“We’ll be there soon okay?” Judy says, taking her phone with her as she grabs a jacket for herself and a coat for Jen to wrap up in. Charlie helps her to the car, covering her head with a jacket from the rain and opening the door to help her into the passenger side. He even does the seatbelt up for her.

“Okay I think the phone may-“

“Jen?” Judy repeats into her own phone, taking it away from her ear to take a look incase it had died or something, but she figures the phone box Jen made the call from must’ve cut her off. She tells Charlie to step on it and doesn’t batter an eyelid when he goes the tiniest bit over the speed limit like she usually does.

*

The phone cuts off and she rummages through her pocket only to find it empty, apart from an old polo wrapper and a grip. _Fuck._ Jen wipes the glass with the palm of her hand so that she’s able to see through the condensation clouding on the door. She’s surprised her legs haven’t collapsed already, she’s definitely going to be ill after this though, her nose feels stuffy and it gives her a headache.

Judy had sounded so worried on the phone and it made her heart break, as if she didn’t feel guilty enough already for shouting at Judy. She can imagine her whole face light up when her own voice had been on the other end of the phone. If only she wasn’t so _fucking selfish._

A couple of beeps has her peering through the glass again and breathing a sigh of relief when she sees Charlie’s car outside, headlights blinding her as she makes a dash from the sheltered phone booth to the car.

Judy’s already stepping out before she reaches the door and she’s immediately engulfed in Judy’s warm arms and sweet vanilla scent. The rain pours down on them both but Judy’s just so happy to see her, she doesn’t care if it dampens her hair a little, well a lot. Jen shuffles then both towards the back seats of the car, Judy doesn’t let go and even sits in the middle seat next to Jen just holding her. Charlie pulls away from the curb and dives home, turning the radio on and averting his eyes from the back seat where Jen and Judy are just sitting wrapped up in on another. They don’t move until they’re home, and Charlie heads inside to leave them to talk after saying a quick goodnight to them both.

Jen’s about to speak but Judy interrupts, “before we say anything how about we get warm first? Because if I’m cold I can’t even imagine how freezing you must be” Judy says empathetically rubbing her hands on Jen’s bare shoulders underneath the jacket draped over her that are still like ice despite the heating in the car being on full. And Jen nods, tugging Judy’s hand and helping her out of the car and into the house. They head into the house and Jen heads straight for the bathroom and while Judy’s towel drying her hair best she can without stretching too much she hears the shower water turn on so she grabs a towel and hangs it on the door for her to use. Jen’s quick and she’s out of the shower before Judy can fetch her a pair of warm pyjamas, she finds some anyway and leaves them on the bed for Jen to slip into. While Jen changes she goes to check on Henry, fortunately he’s still soundly asleep and Charlie’s just getting ready for bed when she goes into say goodnight.

Judy makes her way back to Jen’s room, turning the hallway light off as she does. Jen’s plopping her hair into a messy bun so she gets herself comfy under the covers. Jen slides in next to her when she’s done and neither of them speak. Judy’s twiddling a lose piece of cotton from her pyjamas between her fingers, casually side eyeing Jen who’s applying moisturiser to her face.

“I’m sorry”

Judy turns her head to see Jen looking back at her tearfully. She reaches for her hand and the blonde takes it between both of her own like a choreographed dance that’s been done a thousand times, her now warm hands hug Judy’s like a blanket that keeps her grounded and safe.

“I acted like such a fucking bitch Jude”

“Don’t call yourself that”

A shake of blonde hair and a sigh, “I overreacted massively and then acted like a hormonal teenager and stormed out”

“I mean-” Judy tilts her head, “I don’t disagree” and her mouth pulls at both ends in a sarcastic grimace.

“I’m so sorry Judy, for shouting, going all psycho on you, making you fucking worry while I’m out doing a fucking 5K challenge on the streets in the pouring rain” Jen says, Judy manages a smile.

“I forgive you” She says, Jen shakes her head in awe of this woman’s ability to forgive so easily but at least she didn’t respond with an ‘it’s okay’, because Jen knows it’s not, maybe Judy’s learning that too.

“Thank you” She says, bending her head to kiss Judy’s knuckles, it makes Judy smile and open her arms, Jen falls into them and never wants to let go. There’s a few minutes of silence and only their synchronised breaths can be heard, Judy reaches to turn off her lamp because the one on Jen’s side is bright enough.

“Why did you _do_ that?” She asks still looking straight ahead.

Jen swallows and closes her eyes. “I was scared” and then later adds, “ _am_ scared”

Judy nods, she can make out their reflection in Jen’s mirror on her wardrobe, from a distance they almost look like one person they’re that close together.

“One time we left my mom by herself, it was my parents evening and it was compulsory so dad came with me, the first he’d ever been to” Jen scoffs. Judy just listens because Jen hardly ever talks about her childhood never mind her parents or mothers cancer. Jen feels Judy’s hand start to comb through her hair gently and the soothing action encourages her to carry on speaking. “She was alone for a couple of hours at most but, when we got back home she was laid out on the floor-“ Judy freezes, _shit._ “I was only like eleven or something, I thought she was dead, my dad was still outside getting his work bag but I touched her shoulder and she just… _flopped_ ” Jen takes a breath. “I shouted for my dad, he phoned an ambulance and she went to hospital, there was dried blood on the kitchen floor from where she’d hit her head…”

She can picture it now, the patch of deep red splattered on the pristine white tiled floor like the time she’d dropped tomato soup everywhere and her mom had gone crazy at her for it. Her mother’s body being heaved onto a stretcher by random men and carried away into a flashing ambulance. She’d sat beside her mother in the ambulance, her had had held her mother’s hand but she didn’t dare touch her incase her hands were as cold as those of a dead body, and incase when she squeezed it, it didn’t squeeze back like normal. She’d started at the floor through the journey to the hospital and then sat in the café starring into a mug of hot chocolate while her dad and grandmother waited outside her moms room.

“She’d knocked herself unconscious and was in a coma for about a week, because of the chemotherapy she didn’t heal as well, the doctors said if we’d have come home later then-“ her breath hitches but there are no tears in her eyes. “We could have lost her there and then”

Judy shakes her head and Jen feels her rest her chin atop of her head. “I’m sorry Jen, I-“

“Don’t Jude-“

“No-It must have been _horrible_ to see your mom like that and I’ve just gone and brought it all back to you…”

Jen pulls back to take Judy’s head in her heads, making sure she’s looking right at her when she says sternly, “don’t be sorry for _anything_ Judy okay?”

Judy nods but feels a tear slide down her cheek anyway, as soon as it does Jen’s thumb wipes it away softly. She’s about to say something else when a yawn gets there first, a long dramatic one and a Jen laughs. She reaches behind her to turn the lamp off and they both slide further under the covers.

“Jen?” Judy whispers, and when she hears a small ‘mhm?’ back she says, “don’t ever leave like that again okay?” She says in the most authoritarian tone she can manage.

Jen lightly laughs, short breaths puffing against Judy’s shoulder where Jen’s nose pushes up against it.

“Okay”


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Charlie?”
> 
> “Yeah?”
> 
> “Why are mom and Judy not dating?”
> 
> “Well, they’re idiots clearly, they just need to catch up with everyone else who thinks they’re basically already married”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Sorry this chapter was a long time coming, but I think it’s my favourite one yet. 
> 
> Pls keep commenting! I love reading them. 
> 
> Hope u enjoy this :) also tell me if there’s spelling mistakes haha

**26 th August. Crystal Cove. California. **

“We’re here!” Henry announces from the back seat, climbing out of the car to stand in front of the beach cottage, Charlie not far behind.

“Hold your horses guys, there are a lot of bags that need carrying in” Jen says, raising her eyebrows at the two, nodding towards the boot of the car as if hinting at them to help carry something.

“Most of it’s yours” Charlie says but he comes to grab his own suitcase and rucksack to heave inside anyway.

“I admit you did kinda overpack” Judy gets out of the car and comes to help with the bags but Jen pushes her backwards with a hand on her arm, instead holding out the keys for her so she can unlock the cottage. Judy takes them with an appreciative smile, Jen still didn’t like her lifting anything heavy, and then heads to unlock the door.

They’re staying at a rustic looking, cosy cottage, colourful orange bricks make up the walls and it has a wooden sign with ‘Crystal Cove’ on in huge red letters. Judy had insists on choosing a cottage instead of forking our loads of money for a grand hotel, which Jen was much more willing to do than freeze to death in a beachside cottage with cold wooden floors but admittedly it was a lot cheaper. It was nice though, it had three large porches, and a balcony on the back. The front bedroom faces the sea and it’s a decent size, big enough for Jen and Judy to sleep in for a week, but Jen could already tell the bed was kinda lumpy and the floorboards would freak at night whenever one of them turned over.

“It’ll be an adventure” Judy says enthusiastically as Jen turns her lip up at the outdated, yellowed kitchen cabinets and the oven that looks like it’d come out of a World War Two time capsule.

Jen nods anyway and tries to suppress the grimace on her face.

“My room has an anchor on the wall! Judy come look!” Henry shouts from one of the back bedrooms.

“Coming buddy!” Judy leaves Jen with the unpacking. Jen heaves her suitcase onto the bed and after looking at the dust inside the wardrobe she decides it best to leave their clothes folded up inside it, so what if they’re creased, they’re on ‘holiday’ if this can be even called that. It seems a little more like camping to Jen but… She takes out their toiletry bags and leaves them in the small en-suite bathroom, at least they have their own toilet and shower, she thinks. Their flip flops are thrown in there too.

They’ve bought a fair amount of food with them and Jen busies herself with stocking the fridge and shelves, Judy helps with the light items when she comes out of Henry’s room a few moments later raving about the décor in there. Charlie’s got a huge grin because the wifi Jen had paid extra for works so he’s probably posting pictures on Snaptalk or whatever the fuck it’s called, or maybe Instagram, Judy has that one too apparently, she’s sure she’ll be making a highlight or whatever out of their trip. When they’re finished unpacking and settling in it’s time to eat, they’d travelled late in the afternoon and it’s too late really to start trying to work any of the kitchen appliances to cook anything, so Charlie Google’s some places to eat nearby and they decide on ‘The Beachcomber’ restaurant.

The walk there is fairly short but the breeze is already heavier and more chilly than earlier so they try and speed up before goosebumps grow on top of already present goosebumps. Jen wraps an arm around Judy’s shoulders and huddles tight into her, the woman’s _insisted_ on dressing up so she’s wearing a flowery dress that the wind blows around her ankles and bares her legs because of the slit three quarters of the way up the side of the dress. Luckily there isn’t a queue to get in and they’re seated by a waiter immediately. It’s fairly empty so they’re served quickly, a lot of the food is sea food, Charlie gets Maine Lobster Pasta, Henry has the Mary’s Roasted chicken and Jen and Judy just order the same Zucchini Fettuccini Pasta.

“Is it okay?” Jen asks the boys, Charlie’s turning his lips up at the lobster that he apparently doesn’t like anymore and Henry takes all the chunks of it off his plate and eats it for himself, turns out fried lobster is included in one of the eight food items he eats.

“It’s delicious! This chicken is so juicy” Henry says. “You should leave a good tip Judy” He says around another mouthful.

“Oh of course! The service was fast too” She twirls her fork in the pasta and takes another bite, grinning at the taste.

“Almost as good as yours Jude” Jen says, winking and emphasising the ‘almost’.

“Maybe even better” Judy says though and Jen shakes her head dismissively.

“So what’re we doing tonight?” Charlie asks.

“Yeah we don’t have to head straight back to the cottage do we?” Henry adds.

“Well, no” Jen looks at Judy. She’d taken a look at the maps and attractions around here more than she has, despite the fact she’s a real estate agent and that shit is basically part of her job. In fact Judy had basically planned all this trip, she didn’t even know it was booked until a few days ago, but it had been a welcome surprise. Work had dragged for weeks so she needed time away. And with Judy’s impending chemotherapy sessions it was basically now or never.

“Of course not! Gotta start our first night off with something fun, I saw a few kid friendly bars on the drive here maybe we could check out one of those?”

“Can I drink?” Charlie asks, smirking convincingly.

“Maybe a little-

“Of course not Char you’re underage” Jen interrupts Judy who’s shrugs at him apologetically. “Besides we may need you to drive us back” she adds and Charlie rolls his eyes with a groan.

They finish their meals and get desert, Henry and Charlie get ice cream and Judy convinces Jen to split a strawberry cheesecake with her. Judy tips the waiter and tells him to make sure he passes praise to the chefs, then they’re heading out to walk along the long beach front to check out the bars. Judy stops at a certain one, it’s got a few arcade games in at the back and an air hockey table. Before they even order drinks Henry’s begging to play so Judy inserts a coin and takes her place on the right end of the table next to Jen, Charlie joins Henry. Judy is actually extremely competitive at air hockey and Jen is surprised she hasn’t pulled a muscle with how she’s going about walking the puck. They have a few games, Charlie and Henry winning two and Jen and Judy beat them once, and then Jen is insisting on ordering drinks so her and Judy head to the bar while the boys go explore the arcade games in the under 18’s half of the bar.

“2 orange juices and…2 red wines?” Jen looks at Judy to make sure and she nods, sending a huge smile and a “thank you!” to the bartender.

They find a table in the corner, it’s fairly busy, most people are already drunk and it’s only 9pm. There are a lot of children running around, thankfully the loud pop music blocks out their screaming, and there are families on the dance floor doing YMCA, toddlers on fathers shoulders and the mothers with straws hanging from their mouths. Jen turns to Judy who has a huge smile on her face and her head is bopping along to the upbeat music.

She sighs softly. Looking at Judy now all wide eyed and dancing in her seat to cheesy dance songs, Jen could hardly tell she was ill at all. It seemed like the diagnosis and the operation was just a horrible nightmare and Judy was really okay and there wasn’t a vicious illness growing inside of her.

Jen must have been staring because Judy tilts her head and asks “Are you okay?” To which Jen nods. Judy takes a sip of her wine and then leans closer to shout over the music, “do you wanna dance?”

Jen smirks, the YMCA songs almost finished but she nods anyway. “Come on then” She sighs and makes out as though she reluctantly gets up to take Judy’s hand that tugs her towards the dance floor, but the sway in her hips and her wide grin says otherwise. ‘Saturday night’ comes on next and Jen groans.

“What the fuck” she rolls her eyes and grimaces, “why don’t we wait for the next song” she’s already trying to drag Judy’s arm back to their table but Judy resists laughing.

“Nooo!” Judy pulls her back, it doesn’t take much for Jen to stop tugging her hand. “I like this one!”

“Of course you do”

Half of the kids have joined the dance floor as well as more tipsy adults, a huge bold headed guy bumps into Jen during the jump around clockwise move in the dance _everyone just knows_ and he’s got this annoyingly cheery grin on his face as he apologises, she shrugs her shoulders at him as he passes to find a spot in the middle.

_“‘…Saturday night…I like the way you move’”_ Judy sings to her, pointing her finger at Jen on the word ‘you’ as if to emphasise the line. Jen shakes her head and joins in the dance a lot less… _energetically_ (lets call it) than Judy does, who despite having surgery and being ill puts like 110% into all the moves, even though she forgets it every now and then and moves far too fast for the music.

_‘It’s party time and not a minute we can lose…be my baby’_ A chorus of singing drunkeds rings out in the bar, mostly from the group of women on a hen night that’s literally just showed up, the bride to be taking centre stage and waving a balloon dick around, _and Judy said this place was kid friendly._

“‘… _be my baby!’”_ Henry joins them next, singing all the words (of course) and Judy and him are literally trying to out dance each other. Jen turns around to see Charlie shaking his head at them, flashlight from his phone shining on them, _great, we’re probably gonna be TikTok famous_ , Jen thinks.

“Come on Charlie!” Judy holds her hand out towards him, still dancing but not doing all the movements, she’s just bouncing up and down to the beat on the spot as she wiggles her fingers and puts on a pout in Charlie’s direction. “I knooww you want toooo!” She grins and waves her hand out again.

“Noo I don’t, you guys are so cringe I can’t even-“ Charlie face palms himself, and then shouts that he’s going to the bathroom.

“Spoil sport!” Henry shouts before he goes and Jen sees Charlie turn as he’s walking and give him the middle finger.

They do a few more dances and then a Celine Dion song comes on and everyone’s slow dancing, Henry and Charlie have retreated back to the arcade games at the back with all the other kids. Jen’s about to sit down but Judy grabs her hand, _obviously she wants to fucking slow dance to ‘My heart will go on’_. Jen sighs and Judy pulls her to a spot out of the middle where about five couples are swaying clumsily with each other, all making out or… _fondling_.

_Gross._

She turns her head back to Judy, mouth coming to rest instead of pulling up her right lip at the disgusting displays of affection that’s probably all fake anyway and they’re most certainly going to couple counselling. Judy’s looking at her with wide eyes, they’re bright and buzzed from the bustling atmosphere and the stuffy heat, her cheeks are tinted a deep red and when Jen brings her hand up to cup Judy’s jaw her hand feels like it’s been burned, she drops it down to her shoulders casually because since when does she _grope_ Judy’s face and gaze into her eyes like they’re in some romantic movie ( _…in public too!)._ If Judy notices the sudden move of her hand she doesn’t let on, instead she leans forward and drops her head to Jen’s shoulder, her head slotting perfectly because of their height difference. Jen finds herself drifting away from the bar and it’s just the top of them, Judy swaying lightly against her and tickling her neck with small warm puffs of breath. She finds herself wanting this moment to stay forever, finds herself wanting to pull Judy impossibly closer which would basically be mirroring everything she’d just almost vomited watching the other couples do.

But they weren’t a couple so it’s fine.

As the song starts to fade and another classic dance-y type song plays, Judy pulls away and freezes almost because she didn’t want that moment to end either. For a long time she’d felt lost in the world and like nothing made sense, but slow dancing to Celine Dion with _her person_ , Jen’s warm hands on her waist squeezing ever so slightly, she’d never felt safer.

“Charlie?”

“Yeah?”

“Why are mom and Judy not dating?”

“Well, they’re idiots clearly, they just need to catch up with everyone else who thinks they’re basically already married” Charlie says, the two of them watching as Jen and Judy dance together as one.

Charlie does end up driving them back that night, Henry sits in the front seat while Jen and Judy occupy the back ones, Judy is extremely drunk and is giggling at a drawing of ‘Jen’ she’s apparently done in the condensation on the car window. Charlie feels like throwing the pair out because they’re _so fucking annoying_ , his mom is literally draped over Judy, choosing to sit in the middle seat just because, and she keeps reaching over to add to Judy’s ‘drawings’ on the window. Jen adds a cowboy hat to her face on the window and Judy’s saying “go faster Charlie I’m gonna pee!” as she holds in a fit of laughter.

He has to practically carry them both inside the cottage, Henry walks in first and holds the door open for them and Judy is draped over Charlie’s shoulder, eyes slipping closed with every step. Jen kisses him and Henry goodnight and then she grabs a glass of water for herself and Judy, along with some pills for the morning. Before she takes the glasses she cups her hands under the water and throws it on her face, it sobers her up enough to help Judy change into her pyjamas and remove her shoes.

Judy’s drifting off to sleep by the time Jen crawls into bed beside her, she was right earlier, it’s lumpy as fuck but truthfully she could sleep in anything right now. The drive here and the non stop dancing is finally catching up with her and she turns the lamp off on the bedside table.

Judy stirs a little and shifts closer to her. “Night Jen”

Jen kisses her head. “Goodnight baby”

*

If someone would have told Jen a few months ago that she’d be stood beside her three favourite people in the world, waiting in line for a speed boat ride, she’d have laughed in your face. How Henry and Charlie (and Judy) have convinced her to do this, she has no clue. But they’re stood behind three other families in a queue to go and ride a speed boat. She’d never been into ‘water activities’ but Henry and Charlie have surfed since they were young, it’d have been pointless not too really since they live so close to the beach. It was Ted’s thing though, he’d sometimes pick them up from school and take them straight to surfing lessons while Jen sweltered in an office to pay for it. The old Jen would have laughed at her, she’d have never done anything like this with Ted and the boys, it was always those three together and then she’d try to make time to take them to the movies on weekends. It’s Judy that’s made it possible to have all these ‘adventures’ as she calls it, with the boys, she’d dragged her ass here after all (it didn’t take much dragging but Judy didn’t need to know that).

“Alright guys you’re up” A Texas accent interrupts Jen’s thoughts and then they’re heading through the barrier and being helped into a boat. “My names Matt, I’ll be your driver for today, we all good?” He asks from the front seat.

“Awesome!” “Totally!” Henry and Judy say simultaneously.

They were bundled up orange life jackets in the backseats and when the boat started moving water sprays at their faces. Charlie and Henry are laughing, Henry has his arms up and is screaming “woo!” as if they’re on a rollercoaster, Jen admits that the cool splash of the water and the breeze is kinda refreshing, especially on a boiling hot summers day. The sun beams down on the water and it glistens and ripples. Judy leans to look over the side of the boat and points at the wildlife she sees under water.

“Look!”

There’s a tiny jellyfish on Judy’s side of the boat, Jen leans across her knees to see and the tentacles make her shiver uncomfortably. It’s strange seeing _creatures_ like that up close instead of on the tv, the wobbly ‘head’ (if that’s what the fuck you call it) of the jellyfish looks like jelly. They see dolphins too in the distance, and Henry is absolutely flabbergasted by them.

“Buckle up guys, we’re about to go a lot faster” Matt yells above the engine that’s starting to sound louder as the boat accelerates.

Judy grips her hand, fingers interlocked, and turns to Jen with a huge smile. The boat zooms through the water making it a blue blur, the beach just looks like a bad taken photograph as they whip past. Judy squeals and it makes her sound like a child at the fairground, Jen’s glad she gets to experience something fun like this now because she knows for a fact her mother never did anything like this with her, too busy doing drugs and getting thrown in jail.

“That was so fun!” Charlie says and it’s the most enthusiastic Jen’s probably ever heard him. His hair is damp and some of it sticks to his face, it reminds her of when he was young. Henry has a huge smile on his face, a true, real, carefree one that she hasn’t seen in a _long_ time and Judy’s made that happen. Jen doesn’t think that Ted ever made them smile like this no matter how many surfing lessons he paid for or presents he bought them. It was probably all a ‘perfect dad’ act now she remembers it anyway, he bought their affection just like he did _Bambi_ ’s, just like he deprived Jen of any.

*

Judy’s exhausted by the fourth afternoon at Crystal Cove, they’d literally drained the life out of this beach by doing every activity and seeing every sight. Jen had driven them out into the small town nearby and they’d gone shopping and ate at fancy restaurants, they’ve been hiking in the small country trail near by, the hill was a killer and today Jen and Judy were definitely feeling it, legs sore and muscles right. So, on the last afternoon of their vacation-they we’re heading home in the morning after breakfast-they decide to take blankets and a picnic to the beach and absorb as much sun as they can before they leave.

Judy’s wearing a bright red bikini underneath her lose black play suit, she’d asked Jen her opinion on it before they’d left the cottage but when Judy slowly pulls the black fabric down over her arms and steps out of it, Jen feels like she’s watching some slow mo scene in a movie where the hot girl is stripping for the ogling guys. They’ve seen each other in bikinis a hundred of times before, naked even, but the way the sun seems to give Judy a shiny silhouette almost makes sense eyes bulge out of her brain. She averts her eyes back to the strawberry she’s about to eat before they do. Charlie’s sat giving her a look and she frowns at him, _what the fuck._ He shakes his head with a knowing sigh and goes to join Henry in the water.

_Anyways_.

Judy’s asking her to rub sun cream on her back and with shaky hands ( _why the fuck are they doing that)_ she unlocks the cap and squirts a good sized dollop into her palm before rubbing it on the softest back she’s probably ever fucking felt.

“Ah!” Judy squeals and shifts under her hands a little. “It’s cold”

Jen carries on massaging the cream into Judy’s back and sometimes Judy shivers at her touch, back prickling with goosebumps even though it’s over like a thousand degrees.

“All done” Jen hands the cream bottle back to Judy who continues applying it to her legs, arms and face.

The scar from the operation has faded, it’s still red and definitely visible but it doesn’t look as if someone’s ran at her with a chainsaw recently so… a lot better than it did before. Jen sees Judy look glance down at it while she applies sun cream to her stomach and she feels a surge of pride when Judy just carefully rubs it around the mark and closes the lid of the cream with a confident smile.

“You coming?” Judy stands and nods her head to the water.

“In a little bit” Jen takes another strawberry from the bag.

Judy waves and then skips over to join Henry and Charlie in the water. She must say something to them because Charlie kicks a load of water up on her and then they’re all splashing each other, from the distance all she can see is frantic waves and heads tipping back in laughter. She steadies the phone she’s picked up to take a picture of them all together, _her family._ Then she goes to join them after one more piece of fruit and gets soaked in salt water that will make her hair all clunky but she finds herself not caring.

*

“Jen” … “Jen”

Judy whispers but Jen doesn’t stir, she pokes her shoulder lightly with her fingernail, scratching at the material on Jen’s pyjama top.

“Jen wake up”

Jen jumps suddenly. “Huh?” She blinks and turns to Judy, “what’s wrong?”

Judy shakes her head smiling. “Nothing’s wrong”

And she has a mischievous little smile on her face and Jen turns to lay on her side. “What then?”

“I wanna…do something” Jen frowns at her and she rolls her eyes, “something I’ve never done before” she adds.

Jen shakes her head, “okay?” She says cluelessly.

Judy laughs at her confusion and leans closer to whisper, as if telling her a secret, “I wanna go skinny dipping”

Jen widens her eyes. “Right now?”

“Mhm”

“Seriously?”

“Very seriously” Judy says.

She pouts and starts to pull the covers back from Jen’s shoulders as she shuffled into a half sitting position. Jen’s looking at her with tired eyes and slight amusement, and she tilts her head waiting for a response. Judy sticks out her bottom lip for good measure.

There’s a grumble and then a mumbled “fine” that comes with it, and then Judy’s grabbing flip flops for both of them to slip on and two towels for after. Jen’s still laying down so she holds her hand out and pulls her up. Jen stretches and yawns, she checks her phone clock, it’s fucking 4am. Trust Judy to wake her up to go skinny dipping.

_Also as if Judy hasn’t been skinny dipping before!_ _Judy! Of all people!_

Jen grabs one of the towels from Judy’s arms and slides the shoes on. They sneak quietly out of the cottage and use the street lights to navigate their way down to the shore. Stars shine bright above them and the ocean seems to twinkle under the electric lights and the dozens of stars, the waves wash neatly upon the sand.

There’s a breeze and Jen knows that water is going to be freezing cold, but Judy takes her hand, holding flip flops in the other, and pulls her down the steps onto the sand. Feet patter through deadly shells and pebbles, Judy winces when a particular shell sticks right into her foot, and over the damp sand that feels quiet satisfying beneath their feet, squeezing toes together in and digging them into the sand. Judy takes her night gown off and throws it on the floor, it’s probably going to be soaked now, Jen thinks but she does the same with hers. They lay the towels in top of them so at least they’re not wet.

Judy strips herself of her shirt, she’s still got a vest on underneath and then takes her pyjama bottoms off so she’s stood there in underwear. Jen slowly takes her bottoms off, tossing them on the pile of clothing and then slowly unbuttons her top.

Judy folds her arms and shivers on the spot. “God, it’s _so_ cold”

“Duh” Jen says with a shake of her head. Judy notices her looking round, as if making sure no ones here even though she knows for sure that they’re the only two idiots walking the shore at this hour. Judy frowns and then realisation sets when she sees Jen’s hand giving over the buttons on her chest.

She steps forward, “Jen” she says and Jen looks up at Judy, who’s got this look on her face that tells her everything she doesn’t even need to hear, _‘you’re okay’, ‘it’s just us’, ‘your scars are beautiful and so are you’_.

Jen swallows and removes her top, it falls to the floor amongst the others. She bares her scar ridden chest to Judy, goosebumps appearing along her arms. It’s the first time Judy’s seen them really, it’s the first time anyone’s seen them since Ted, even with Ben she kept her bra on while they were stupidly and _grossly_ fucking. Eyes are usually repulsed by the pink lines and the raised flesh, but Judy’s eyes are filled with admiration and love, it makes Jen feel like collapsing into a puddle of emotions, drowning in pure kindness from this _amazing_ woman. Tears form in her own eyes as Judy just continues undressing with a giddy smile, baring her own _fuller_ chest to Jen now too. It should be weird, Jen thinks, she’s never stripped in front of friends before, but it’s _them_ and it’s _Judy_.

“Come on!” Judy takes her hand and the two jog down to the ocean, knees high trying to avoid the razor blade beach floor.

It feels like that night so long ago, cuddled on the beach high as kites, now they’re high off of each other. Jen’s does hit the water first and she gasps because it’s absolutely _freezing_ and she has no idea how they’re gonna be naked in that and not freeze to death. But with Judy’s warm hand in hers, they walk deeper into the water, screaming and probably waking up every single beach cottage, until soon they’re neck deep in sea and their bodies are numb.

“Oh my god” Jen jumps on the spot to try warm up.

“Jen do you think there are sharks in here?” Judy asks then, eyes roaming around the water.

“Hmm, I dunno…” Jen smirks and then moves her hand to playfully nip at Judy’s stomach and shoulders, “maybe”

“Stop!!” Judy giggles and bends over to cover herself from attacking hands, Jen doesn’t stop and soon she’s tickling her ribs and making Judy squirm in the water. Judy’s hands push on Jen’s chest and she stops suddenly flinching.

Judy’s immediately stepping backwards and taking her hands with her. “Sorry Jen i-“

Jen shakes her head. “It’s okay, I just wasn’t expecting it…” She’s glad when Judy steps closer to her again. “No one, except me obviously, has ever like-“ Jen looks away, “touched them before… Ted preferred not to” she says.

Judy sighs and then nods once. She brings a hand up to Jen’s chest and when the blonde doesn’t pull away she rests her palm flat against it. Judy’s face doesn’t change as she touches her, there’s no disgust like there was in Ted’s face or even her own. There’s a soft smile of encouragement there as she traces the scar lines with her fingers. She feels like crying, and when a lone tear escapes Judy’s pulling her hand back to wipe it away but then Jen’s pulling back further because Judy’s hands were and now so is her cheeks.

“Oop-sorry…” Judy laughs and Jen just smiles.

“Has your skinny dipping fantasy been fulfilled?” She asks.

“It certainly has, although who knew it was this cold!”

And Jen’s laughing then more because well, she knew, it is the fucking early hours of the morning.

“Fuck” Jen says then shaking her head.

“What?” Judy smiles.

“I just fucking love you” Jen shakes her head as if she can’t truly believe she could ever love a person this much. But she definitely does, and she knows she always will. Judy is it, she thinks, and she’d give her the world if she asked (well, she’d try to).

“I _fucking_ love you too” Judy puts on a Brooklyn accent and Jen’s laughing again. Judy’s head falls backwards in laughter and then they’re splashing each other with sea water again.

*

On the drive home Judy falls asleep, the boys are quiet in the back and Jen’s mulling over the last few days. It makes her smile, everything they’ve done and it was definitely long overdue. She supposed it’ll be a while before they go away again with Judy’s chemotherapy so soon, but Jen thinks of asking Judy if they should book somewhere in Europe like they were originally planning to do for after her chemotherapy, as a sort of something to look forward to. But then there’s a slight niggle in the back of her mind that Judy could just get sicker and the chemotherapy may not work, but Judy may like the idea of having something on the calendar scribbled in red pen to count down to. Maybe she’ll bring it up soon.

By the time they’re home, Judy’s awake and heading straight to the bathroom before Henry and Charlie even get out of the car, and she’s laughing because she swears Judy can’t go a car journey without needing to desperately pee halfway through.

Before Jen goes to sleep that night, she changes her wallpaper to the photo she took of Judy in the boys playing in the water. After she sets it she clicks her phone on again to take another look and can’t help but smile. She falls to sleep to the sound of Judy’s light snoring and soft puffs of breath, and dreams of the beach, the ocean and the literal sunshine that is Judy Hale.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “ Judy’s eyes are drooping gradually, it feels like her entire body has been drained of all its energy within the last half hour.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hii! 
> 
> Hope u like this chapter, there’s gonna be a few time jumps maybe from now on so that this fic isn’t too long. 
> 
> Are we enjoying it so far?
> 
> Pls let me know if there’s any spelling mistakes :)

Her first chemotherapy session is two days away, the appointment time written on the calendar in the hallway is like a dark entity clouding over Judy despite her desperately trying to ignore the bright red block letters, Jen’s handwriting. Judy paints to distract herself, finds herself using blacks, purples and greys instead of the usual bright yellows and reds. She paints a young girl with a storm cloud above her head, hiding it in the back of her other pieces. When Jen gets home from work she plasters on a smile and falls the boys down for food or to watch movies, if Jen notices her solemn mood she doesn’t say anything, just holds her tightly every night and kisses her forehead goodbye on week mornings when she heads to work.

Jen arrives home the day before her appointment with a book from Lorna, apparently it’s a soul wrenching novel that will keep her occupied during chemo, she puts it in her bag along with fluffy socks to keep her feet warm (Jen had said something about being cold during getting flushed with whatever it is they put in those wires), a few magazines and a colouring pad. Jen had been adding to the bag a lot, wanting Judy to be as comfortable as possible sitting in a hospital room surrounded by sick cancer patients. Judy had thanked her, ignored the niggling parts in her brain that felt overwhelmed and pathetic.

Henry and Charlie start back to school the week after Judy’s first chemotherapy session, so Jen drops them with Lorna on the way to the hospital insisting that she _needs_ to be there for Judy’s appointment. Judy’s assured her she’ll be fine by herself but deep down she’s glad Jen persisted. Charlie wishes her good luck before they step out of the car, Henry gives her a hug over the back seat and the boys wave on their grandmothers door step as Jen pulls away. The radio’s on but it somehow doesn’t drown the silence in the car between them both. Judy sees Jen’s hands on the steering wheel tending and turning white at the knuckles so she reaches a hand over to place on her thigh. It startles Jen a little and she snaps her head to Judy and back to the road quickly before placing her free hand on top of Judy’s.

“Wait” Judy stops Jen from getting out of the car with a hand on her forearm, Jen closes the car door again and turns to Judy.

“Jude?”

Judy looks over at the hospital doors revolving with patients coming in and out. She wonders what they’re going through, if they’ve been to chemotherapy or if they’ve just been given the worst news possible. Some are carrying sick bags and being held up by partners, friends, parents and it feels like her future is being shown right in front of her. Jen’s hand taking her own interrupts her thoughts and she turns to the blonde, smiling sadly. Taking a deep breath Judy nods and then gathers her bags, Jen takes them from her once they’re out of the car and together they walk into the hospital.

A nurse sets Judy up on a reclining chair in a room with around seven other patients in all receiving treatment, on their way in they bump into a nurse making her rounds and she greets Judy and Jen with a kind face and sympathetic eyes. There’s a small area in the corner to make warm drinks and a table with magazines and newspapers stacked on top.

“Judy were going to insert the tube now okay? You’ll feel a little prick, just like having a needle, it’s best to look away though” Nurse Sarah, Judy reads her name tag, says and Judy squeezes Jen’s hand while the wire is inserted into her arm. Jen smiles reassuringly and averts her eyes herself, holding back a gag when she sees it being inserted, she’d never liked needles ever since a doctor jabbed a artery by accident when she was younger.

“All done” Sarah stands upright and presses some buttons on the huge machine next to Judy’s chair.

“Thank you” Judy says, _trust Judy to thank someone for hooking her up to a cell killing machine_ , Jen thinks.

Sarah waves her off with a smile and a shrug. “There’s a station over there to make a warm drink if either of you want, but the nurses will be going round with drinks anyway, is there anything you wanna ask Judy? Or Jen?” She looks between the two.

Jen looks at Judy and Judy bites the inside of her cheek. “If you could describe, I mean-I’ve looked online at…reviews? No, um…stories, experiences? -of other people and they say it’s kinda strange and it makes you feel tired…um” Judy rambles on.

Sarah steps in with a smile. “It can make you feel tired, but sitting doing nothing for 3 hours can do that to you anyway” she says with a laugh. “It will feel slightly uncomfortable at first but you’ll get used to it, and you have Jen here to keep you distracted” Sarah nods towards Jen who smiles.

“She’ll be fine right?” Jen asks, fear evident in her eyes so she’s glad when nurse Sarah nods reassuringly.

“Of course, the biggest hurdle is coming here so you’ve overcome so much already” She says and Judy nods. “I’ll be in here most of the day, if you need anything just call!”

Jen and Judy thank her again and watch her go off to another patient. There are so many different people in here, it surprises Judy. She seems to be the youngest compared to everyone else, next to her is an oldish woman, probably in her sixties yet she sits there knitting at a furious speed ignorant to the medicine being pumped inside of her. Her hair is thin, Judy wonders how long she’s been having treatment for.

“Okay?” Jen asks, her hand supporting her head as she leans on the arm of the chair.

Judy nods. “Okay” Surprisingly, she doesn’t really feel anything awful, yet, it just feels unfamiliar. Almost like an out of body experience, Jen being here anchors her. She’s distracted by the surroundings and doesn’t focus much on the iv line, it is a little uncomfortable though, but as she looks around at patients with their heads lolled over, maybe in pain or just wiped out from the sheer exhaustion of it all, she feels lucky compared to them. She still has her hair and most of her health, unlike the other patients here who must be further down the road of cancer than she is.

She turns to Jen then, she sees the blonde staring straight ahead. Judy wonders if Jen had sat with her mother like this at chemo, whether she looked more like Judy or more like the weaker patients. Judy clears her throat and waves a hand in front of Jen’s face, taking her out of whatever thoughts she was having.

“Sorry Jude” Jen shakes her hand and focuses on her.

“Do you wanna do something? Maybe one of the activities you packed?” Judy asks and Jen nods before going to rummage through the bag. It’ll be god taking both their minds off of what’s happening right now, Judy knows Jen’s thoughts will be about her mother and she doesn’t want to risk her spiralling further into her own head.

Jen takes Judy’s baby blanket out and Judy smiles, heart warmed at the gesture. “Incase you get cold” Jen says as she places it over Judy’s legs and tucks the ends in under Judy’s legs.

“Thank you” Judy runs a hand over the blanket. That old green piece of fabric had travelled with her to almost every hospital trip since she’d bought it for her first expected baby, she’d had it on the first miscarriage and had held it close at all the others. And now Jen’s made sure it’s here now, embodying the perfect ‘comfort blanket’.

Jen takes out a pack of cards and holds them up. Judy nods and takes them from her to start dealing.

“What game?” Jen asks, putting the bag back on the floor before dragging her chair closer to Judy’s.

“Hmmm…” Theres not many card games Judy knows for two people, she’d never been a gambler, unless it was those arcade games in the over 18 section. “Snap?”

Jen scoffs, “snap”

“What’s wrong with snap?” Judy smiles, she knows exactly what’s wrong with snap, it’s a game for ten year olds but who gives.

“Well I’d have thought a forty odd year old woman that smokes weed would’ve come up with a more…intellectual game than _snap_ ”

Judy deals the cards out as a half way split anyway, she’s the ill one, they’re playing fucking snap.

“Well, Henry happens to think snap is a very difficult game when it comes down to it”

Jen laughs, “yeah because Henry’s fucking 10!!” She says a little loudly and she gets a few odd looks from nurses and patients, Judy bites her lip and laughs at Jen’s ‘so what’ face.

“Prove me wrong and beat me then at this so called _easy_ game”

Jen doesn’t beat Judy, despite trying extremely hard, Judy’s too quick. Every time there’s a double card she’s slamming her hand down before Jen even notices, she shouts ‘snap’ (like literally yells it) every time and giggles when Jen watches her take the pile of cards from the middle.

“Okay we better do something less _loud_ unless we wanna be thrown outta here” Jen says, gathering the cards up in her hands after a few games.

“Just ‘cos you’re loosing” Judy smirks and hands Jen her huge pile of cards. Fair to say she wins.

“I let you win, I’m a good person like that” Jen jokes and Judy narrows her eyes, muttering a “sure you are” before asking Jen to grab her a drink.

…

Judy’s eyes are drooping gradually, it feels like her entire body has been drained of all its energy within the last half hour. She’s been having the drip fed into her body for an hour, they’d played cards and then Judy had taken to reading some magazines while Jen made fun of all the stupid outfits she saw in there. Now though, she can barely keep her eyes open. And she’s like, extremely fucking cold. Jen’s put her fluffy socks on for her and wrapped another blanket around Judy’s shoulders. A nurse comes by to ask Jen if she wants a drink or any food, Jen declines the food but says she’ll have a black coffee and the nurse returns with it within a matter of minutes. She rests the cup on the floor next to her to let it cool and turns back to watch Judy. Not creepily. Obviously. Some of Judy’s hair falls in front of her face and Jen pushes it back softly and when she catches her cheek it’s stone cold. She takes Judy’s hands in her own warm ones, from holding the coffee, and rubs them together to generate some heat.

Her dad used to sit beside her mom while in the early days of chemo, but then by the second round she’d already made enough hospital ‘friends’ that she didn’t need (or really want) him there, she’d come home from chemo gibberish on about Susie, or Eve who she remembers coming for lunch or ‘girls night’ at her house a lot of times during the more healthy stage of her moms illness. She’d started going to chemo with her mom when she was 18, she’d sat alone while her mom slept through most of it. Sometimes she’d choreograph dances in her head, or even go to smoke outside in the garden area, if her mom asked though she’d tell her she was going for a ‘walk’.

Jen figures Judy will be out for a while so she grabs her jacket and goes to the hospital garden, she’d promised Henry and Charlie she’d call them to let them know how it was going. Charlie answers after a couple rings and he asks about Judy.

“…She’s sleeping right now but so far so good”

She hears Henry say something in the background. “Henry says did you remember her blanket and her-her what?”

Jen’s about to answer ‘yes’ to the blanket when Henry shouts, “teddy bear” and Charlie’s asking her when she got so soft to buy someone a fucking teddy bear. She hadn’t given it to Judy yet, Henry had found her pulling the small beige coloured bear from the bottom of her wardrobe buried deep in shoes and bags and had promised not to tell anyone. _Thanks Hen._

“I know she’s sick and all but that is cringe as f-mom” Jen hears Lorna ask who Charlie’s speaking too which explains the shortened _‘_ fuck’.

“Yes I know Char god” Jen groans through the phone. “Fuck off any way I know you still have your ninja turtle cuddle toy stuck under your bed”

Charlie stutters coming up with an excuse.

“I bet you cuddle it every night don’t you-“

“Mom!”

“What was his name…Timmy the turtle? Tyler the turtle…?” Jen teases and can picture Charlie’s cheeks reddening by the second.

“Shut uppp!”

“Charlie language” Lorna’s snaps and Jen has to contain a laugh.

“Anyways, it was Tyson the turtle, so…” Charlie says and then changes the subject to how Lorna is making them eat vegetables soup for lunch. She even hears Henry make balling noises in the background.

“…Enjoy your _soup_ , I’ll see you soon”

*

Judy drags her eye lids open and winces at the bright light burning into her pupils. She lifts a hand to rub her eyes and the iv line sticking inside of her veins reminds her she’s in the hospital having chemo. She checks the clock on the wall, an hour to go.

Jen. _Where is she?_ Judy looks around almost frantically for the blonde and sees no sign apart from her bag dumped beside the reclining chair on the floor.

“She went to the garden darlin’, something about calling your sons?”

A voice from Judy’s right interrupts her searching, belonging to the elderly woman that Judy notices knitting earlier, she’s still knitting but she’s gotten a lot further than when she’d looked before. Judy assumes it’s a scarf, a red and turquoise striped one.

Judy notices she hasn’t replied yet and shakes her head. Clearing her throat she says, “oh! Thank you, yeah…” she smiles fondly, “she’ll be calling the boys, Henry and Charlie, they’re at their grandma’s, they’re probably being forced to watch war documentaries or play suduko-“ Judy pauses her rambling. “Sorry, what’s your name?”

“Abigail”

“I’m Judy”

“I know, your wife mentioned before”

Judy grins. “Jen and I aren’t together, but it’s fine, easy mistake to make” Judy shrugs.

“Ahh” Abigail nods, setting down her knitting on her lap. “Still waiting to make the first move is she?”

Judy tilts her head, “I’m not sure I follow?”

Abigail laughs loudly, and gives Judy a look as if to say ‘are you serious or just blind’. “Judy darling, that girl was practically gushing over you in your sleep”

Judy giggles, her hands linking together awkwardly. “Really?” She asks anyway.

“Oh 100%, she looks like she’d give you the world if you ask” Abigail says.

“She’s a very special person” Judy agrees, eyes glistening over at the thought.

“Speak of the devil-“ Abigail nods her head over to where Jen’s walking in the room.

“Hey! You’re awake, sorry!” Jen throws her phone in her bag, “was calling the boys, are you okay?”

Judy nods but Jen carries on, “can I get you anything? A drink? Are you cold? Too warm?” Jen’s hands are fussing around pulling the blanket further around Judy anyway, and Judy tries to hide a smile when Abigail makes a love heart with her hands and gestures between the two of them.

“Jen, I’m fine, sit” Judy nods towards the chair and after one last tucking in of the blanket, Jen complies. Judy turns back to Abigail. “When did you learn to knit?” She asks.

“Oh a long while ago honey, it was practically a subject at school when I was young” Abigail says.

“Judy’s an artist” Jen says, a proud smile being thrown Judy’s way.

“An artist?” Abigail raises her eyebrows.

“Well, kinda, I paint” Judy says shrugging her shoulders.

“Lovely!”

“I have pictures of some of her stuff, I’ll show you” Jen stands and walks around to hover over Abigail while flicking through photographs on her phone Judy hadn’t known she’d even had. Judy smiles fondly at Jen telling Abigail about her different paintings, and she can’t help but laugh when Abigail mouths “smitten” to Judy, she also can’t help but agree.

*

Judy’s legs feel like they weigh over a thousand pounds as she makes her way from the car to the house, supported by Jen who has an arm around her waist and is carrying most of her weight. She’d been fine in the hospital, they’d had to wait at least half an hour before leaving to make sure Judy didn’t have a bad reaction to the medication and luckily she didn’t. In fact she didn’t really feel anything apart from a little sore in her arm from where the iv had been in.

“Boys grab the door and the bags please”

They’d picked them up on the way home, thankfully they come in useful by grabbing their stuff and making it easier for Jen to practically carry Judy into the house and to the couch, she insists she wants to be there in the midst with them all instead of upstairs secluded in her room. Jen sets her down and then grabs a blanket because Judy’s shivering like mad.

“How about a cup of hot cocoa?” Jen offers, hovering at Judy’s side.

“Ohh please!” Judy nods with an appreciative smile.

“Boys?”

“Yes please with marshmallows!” Henry shouts and Charlie seconds that, telling Jen he wants chocolate sprinkles too.

And no sooner had Judy finished the hot chocolate, she’s throwing it up again in the toilet. Unfortunately she didn’t make it in time, her legs couldn’t carry her fast enough and she’s thrown up all over the cream rug in the living room. Jen ushers her to the toilet and tells her not to worry about it, Judy bends over the toilet and spills her guts and Jen’s there to hold her hair and rub circles on her back with her palm.

“Are you okay Judy?” Henry’s at the door with an upset look on his face. He’s got a ring around his mouth from the hot chocolate.

Judy nods and manages a smile. “Judy’s fine Boop, in fact would you do us a favour and bring a glass of water?”

“Sure” Henry runs off to get it.

Jen helps Judy into a sitting position and she clutches the toilet seat in case she needs to vomit again. Jen flushed the toilet and uses tissue to wipe around Judy’s mouth. She notices tears in Judy’s eyes and quickly throws the toilet paper to wrap an arm around Judy’s shaking shoulders.

“Hey…” Jen quietly says. “Ssh, it’s okay Jude” her hand rubs up and down on Judy’s shoulders in a gesture which she hopes is comforting.

Judy sniffles though and frantically wipes at her cheeks. “Sorry about the rug”

“It’s okay, don’t be sorry it isn’t your fault” Jen shakes her head and then rests her cheek atop Judy’s head, placing a kiss there as she does.

More tears run down Judy’s face and she dips her head to hide it when Henry comes in briefly with the glass of water. Jen hands it into Judy’s shaking hands and she brings the glass to her lips, taking a sip slowly.

Jen turns and then takes the glass. “Honey don’t cry, please…” Jen tilts her chin so Judy’s facing her. “It’s only a shitty rug, it’s ugly anyways” Jen tries to make her smile, and Judy does but only a little. Jen’s heart shatters at the lack of light behind her eyes and the typical Judy grin. She supposed she’ll have to get used to it though, and as Judy jerks her head forward to throw up more into the toilet, she tries to get her head around this supposed new normal.

*

Judy barely manages to sleep after her first chemo session, one minute she’s throwing off the covers and the next she’s cuddling into Jen like a koala because she’s that cold. The next morning Jen’s tired, Judy can tell because she’s clumsy when making breakfast and she forgets her appointment with a client later on in the afternoon, she had to cancel and rearrange admitting fault on her part. Judy wants her to be mad, wants her to admit that sleeping beside Judy last night was awful and she’d prefer it if Judy slept elsewhere until her symptoms were better. But Jen doesn’t, she smiles at her all day and makes her warm drinks and is by her side through every vomiting episode. So instead she criticises herself as some sort of mental punishment.

_Jen’s just being a good friend. It’s just the first night, soon enough you’ll be a burden._

*

The boys tiptoe around her for the days after her chemo session, Judy’s heart drops when he doesn’t run up to her and give her a huge squeeze like he usually does when coming in from school. Instead he’s acting like if he touches her, she’ll break into a thousand pieces. Charlie’s also become her personal maid, or… _what’s the male version?_ He makes dinner when Jen isn’t there to do so and he grabs her whatever she needs. She wishes she could just accept that they both want to help her. A deep niggling inside tells her the more they help the more they’ll realise she’s a burden.

_Pathetic. Useless_.

*

Judy tries to hide her symptoms after the next chemo appointment, and the next after that. She pretends everything’s fine. She cooks for the boys and Jen before they arrive home so they don’t have chance to start, she cleans the house in the days where she’s left alone, painting is another way she occupies her time. At least she can contribute to their income by selling her paintings, at the minute her pet portraits are selling extremely well. She tries to talk to as many people as she can when having chemo, she’s made a few friends, there’s Abigail of course. She’s learned so much about her in the last three weeks, like the fact that she has a cockapoo named Dennis, Jen had taken the piss out of that name when they left the hospital. “ _…who names a dog fucking Dennis, imagine shouting that in the dog park, “Dennis, come to mommy” Jesus anyone would think she’s calling a sugar daddy or something”_. Abigails almost finished with her treatment round but they’ve exchanged phone numbers in case they want to call each other, Judy can’t text since Abigail’s is a landline.

Throughout every appointment Jen had been at her side. Judy’s so grateful obviously, but when Jen brings her laptop or files to sort through she can’t help but worry that she’s keeping her from working or something important. Jen assures her otherwise though every time, “ _nothings more important than you Judy okay?”_

*

About four chemo sessions in, the symptoms start appearing on the outside of Judy as well as in. She’s lost so much weight and her usual skirt and dress outfits feel like heavy rags weighing her down. Judy looks in the mirror one morning and tightens the dress up on her figure and pulls it in so it’s flat against her body, she turns and inspects her reflection. Bags under her eyes. Skin looking lifeless. Shoulders sagging.

Yet Jen still says, “you’re beautiful Judy” if she catches her looking hard at herself in the mirror.

One morning, Judy wakes up to a pile of her hair on the pillow. She doesn’t notice it at first. Her and Jen lay there talking until either of them get hungry enough to go and start on breakfast. It’s a Saturday so the boys are still asleep.

“…Christopher wants to come over later with Adele” Jen sighs, apparently not keen on the idea of having a dog near Judy with the whole weakened immune system thing because of chemo.

Judy’s eyes light up though, her and Adele have quite a bond after she’d ‘modelled’ for her experimental pet portrait the first time she tried it. Christopher had loved the painting, and it was his idea to start charging for them, he hung his copy proudly in his bedroom above his bed.

“Can’t wait” Judy says enthusiastically.

Jen yawns and blocks her face with the duvet from the streak of sunlight peaking in through the blinds.

“Did you sleep okay?” Judy asks.

“Mhm” Another yawn. “Did you?”

“Yeah, surprisingly” It’d been one of the first nights without waking up so Judy counts today as a good day.

Until she lifts her head and sees the look on Jen’s face as she stares at her pillow.

“What did I drool?” Judy turns her head and her small smile turns into a straight line.

“Oh”

Jen looks up at Judy trying to gage what she’s thinking. Her eyes are fixated on the clump of brunette hair contrasting with the white pillow case. Judy runs a shaky hand through her hair and scrunches her face together in distress when she pulls her hand back and more hair is stuck between her fingers, tears form in her eyes and Jen panics a little not knowing what to do. Her mom had shaved her head immediately, something about wanting to take control and secretly wanting to do it since her college days.

Jen scrambles up into a sitting position quickly to pull Judy into a hug. Judy clutched the hair in her hands as she falls sideways into Jen’s arms. Her sobs are loud and raw and each one makes Jen almost sick.

When the sobs are just sniffles and small hitched of breath, Jen pulls back and holds Judy’s shoulders. “Stupid question but are you okay?”

Judy nods despite it all, drying her eyes with the back of her hand. She stands to throw the clump in the bathroom bin and throws a dash or water on her face. She comes out with a cracked smile and nods towards the door. “I’ll start on breakfast”

And then she’s gone and Jen’s left trying to figure out how she can make it better.

*

The visit from Christopher is welcomed after a fairly melancholy afternoon, Adele’s licks and cuddles put a smile back on Judy’s face and Jen’s glad to see it. They’re sitting on the couch having dominoes, Adele keeps trying to steal pizza from Judy’s plate and when she thinks no ones watching Jen sees her take the pepperoni from Jen’s pizza and give it to Adele.

“So Jen…” Christopher starts, a weird smug look on his face.

“So Christopher” Jen repeats with questioning eyes.

He pulls a face and continues. “Friday, what’re your plans?”

“Nothing why?” Jen frowns.

_Please no more holy harmonies ‘backstage help’._

“Well then, get your glad rags ready because you are going on a date?”

Judy snaps her head up, Charlie sees it with his own eyes and he starts paying attention to the conversation, he’s amused when Judy pretends to watch the Ninja Warrior show playing on the tv instead of his mother.

Jen shakes her head. “Um? No I’m fucking not Christopher why would I-“

“Why would you not?”

Charlie pipes in. “Yeah mom you’re single right?” Truly he’s hoping she denies it and says something about being basically joined at the hip with Judy.

Instead she glances once to Judy beside her and then back to Christopher. “I guess”

Judy turns to her with a frown, _she guesses she’s single?_

Henry looks at Charlie and winks dramatically. “You should go mom, it might be fun and the guy might buy you wine”

_Oh he knows his mom too well._

The wine gets her attention. Spending the night with whoever Christopher’s set her up with doesn’t though. She turns to Judy. “Jude?”

Judy smiles, although Jen notices it doesn’t reach her eyes. “Mhm?”

“What do you think?”

“Why do you wanna know what I think-“

“Because I do-“

“It’s your decision 100% and-“

The two ramble and talk over each other until Judy speaks over Jen. “She’s going”

_It’ll make her happy. It’ll make her realise that looking after a cancer patient will only hold her back in life._ Judy thinks and then excuses herself to go to the bathroom.

“Who even is this guy?” Jen asks.

“He’s called Mark, he’s an accountant, he’s tall and handsome, you’ll love him” Christopher says.

Jen doesn’t look convinced. _Mark? Ew._

…

Before Christopher leaves that night Henry and Charlie pull him into the hallway.

“Are you sure this will work?” Charlie asks.

“Trust me, I’m like the best matchmaker in Laguna” Christopher shrugs smugly.

“Judy looked upset” Henry says.

“That’s the point” Christopher says. “When your mom comes home from her ‘date’ she’ll be straight up to Judy pouring out a love confession…”

“Trust me, I _know_ lesbians”


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “ “You’re staying with us forever then?”
> 
> Judy nods. The word forever reminds her of the uncertainty in her life surrounding ‘time’ right now. But for Henry she smiles, kisses his forehead goodnight and whispers “forever”. “

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys. 
> 
> This chapter was the hardest to right. Also I’m shit at writing smut so if anyone could help maybe co-write the smutty bits later on then pls comment down below and I’ll message u haha! 
> 
> Hope you like this chapter. 
> 
> I think Jen and Judy are oblivious a lot of the time to how much they’re basically a couple, but I also think they’re a lil dumb and wouldn’t actually know it. 
> 
> Pls keep commenting. 
> 
> This probably won’t be much longer either, so if anyone has ideas for another AU like this please leave them below! 
> 
> :) enjoy

“You did what?”

Jen shrugs in response. “It’s no biggie, besides I wanna stay watch that box set with you so-“

“Jen”

“It’s fine-“

Judy sighs and shakes her head, finger tips at her temples. Jen stops, pausing the little argument they were having about something that shouldn’t even be argued about. Jen had told Christopher to cancel the ‘date’ with this Mat, no Mark, guy. _Why would she wanna go on a date when she could sit in bed all night and do nothing with Judy?_

Judy’s already chosen an outfit for her to wear though, a tight fitted red dress with black heels that she wouldn’t be able to walk in by the end of the night. She’s even picked out her makeup and insists on ‘glamming her up’. 

“I want you to go”

Jen slaps her hands against her thighs as they come down from an aggressive shrug. “Why?”

“Because you deserve to have fun, even if it is just for the free wine, you’ve been cooped up in this house for weeks on end,” Judy says, she beckons her to come sit on the bed beside her. She’s in pyjamas already because her and the boys were planning on having a movie night while Jen was out. She’s feeling a lot better today, and did yesterday, probably because it’s further away from when she had her chemo so she feels happier but then remembers the impending one that’s now closer the week after. Every Thursday, So she has a few days left of feeling a little more healthy and like herself and then the day before her appointment she can cry herself to sleep with the agony of having to attend the next morning.

“I can have fun here, with you” Jen says and Judy thinks she does sound sincere. But then she remembers how Steve had promised her he’d look after her, didn’t need to go to that car show the day after her miscarriage, didn’t need to meet up with his work friends while she was laid up in bed with awful morning sickness. He’d stayed for all of ten minutes and then left anyway thinking she wouldn’t wake up and notice. There was no note. No anything. And when he’d gotten back after his little adventures, he’d told her “ _I’m empty here Judy, there’s nothing going for me, I need to have a little fun once in a while to help me through the pain…you understand?”,_ she’d nodded and asked him about his day and he never once asked her how she was.

Jen needs this because her playing nurse all the time was only going to lead to her resenting Judy. And Judy couldn’t bare the thought.

“And you’ll have fun drinking free wine all night, and me and the boys will be just watching disney movies all night which you hate so…”

“I like the lion king one” Jen says quietly.

“Well too bad we’re starting with ‘Moana’”

Jen sighs, a small angry little huff that reminds Judy of Henry when something doesn’t go his way.

“It’ll make me happy if you go”

_Will it?_

Jen frowns and then nods. “Better help me with what jacket I can wear then”

…

“Hold still”

“I’m trying”

“Blink”

Well, Charlie’s just walked past the gayest shit he’s ever seen. He takes a photo from behind the wall of the two of them and sends it to Christopher. He responds with the emoji with two girls kissing and then a pair of scissors. It makes Charlie want to vomit. They best take it to the guest house if they even _think_ of doing _that_.

Judy’s on top on Jen, her legs straggling Jen’s stomach and she’s leaning over the blonde trying to apply mascara to her left eye. The right one went fine but Jen’s laughing and blinking to much so it looks like there’s a spider on her eye. Judy uses a wipe to get it off and try again. Thankfully Jen complies and blinks a lot slower this time. If Jen knew how fast her heart was beating, she didn’t let on. It felt quite daring but at the same time just normal to be sat like this, hovering over her best friend while putting on her makeup. The position is a little questionable but Judy didn’t wanna stand over Jen pampering her face and besides the lighting was perfect here. So what if it’s an excuse to top Jen, um… _what?_ Judy snaps out of her deluded head and reminds herself that Jen’s going on a date with someone…else. _That she’d encouraged?_

Her confusion must show on her face because Jen’s asking her “what?”

“You need blush…” Judy quickly says and then grabs the brush from Jen’s makeup bag and lightly breezes it over her cheeks.

Lipstick is next and Judy chooses a deep red, the concentration is evident on her face as she leans over Jen, her loose pyjama top allowing her assets to be in full view as she traces Jen’s lips with the stick. Judy mimicked rubbing her lips together and Jen copies, the red spreading from one lip to another.

Judy grins then. “All done”

She climbs off of her after a beat and Jen sits up slowly. Luckily her makeup won’t smudge, Jen’s dress slips on over her legs and up instead of over her head, so Judy quickly goes to wash her makeup covered hands while Jen changes. She’s hit with an image of pure beauty and almost seduction (forget the almost, _Jen’s hot!?_ ) and Judy’s jaw drops. Literally. She had to chomp it back closed before she catches a fly.

“You look amazing”

Jen shrugs and purses her lips. Judy knows she won’t believe it, she’ll tell her anyway.

*

**Just checking in x**

Judy types out, she’s hiding her phone from the boys, the screen turned to the lowest brightness possible so it doesn’t take their attention away from the movie. She debates on sending it. Charlie catches her staring at her lap and he shakes his head with an eye roll.

“Missing her already?” He teases, Henry turns his eyes to Judy trying to hide an impending smirk.

“Hmm?”

“Mom” Henry nods towards the phone. “That’s who you’re texting right?”

“Oh” Judy turns her phone off with a click and then puts it on the arm of the couch, the message still typed out unsent. “I was just gonna check she found the restaurant alright”

Charlie looks at Henry and they share a look. “Bullshit” Charlie mutters under his breath and Henry hears and slaps him, trying to contain his laughter. “Course you were” he says to Judy.

Judy turns back to the movie and tries to focus, all the can think about is this date. She can’t really figure out why, on one hand she hopes it’s going well and then on her other she’s wishing Jen was here instead of a restaurant with a _date._ She hates herself for thinking it, then shovels more popcorn in her mouth.

She gets a headache after the second movie, Charlie turns the tv off and find the lights and Henry hands her a damp cloth. Judy thanks them and closes her eyes on the couch, Henry holds her hand and Charlie sits beside her with a watchful eye. Judy’s heart warms and she wonders how she ever lived without these two people, these two amazing kids, _her_ kids. Shes so proud of the way they’re handling the cancer, she knows it can’t be easy for them, the idea of losing another parent after Ted, guilt washes over her in waves if she thinks about it because she was the reason they lost him. It doesn’t make sense really, because it’s not exactly _her fault_ , but she feels like it would be if they lost her because she couldn’t fight the cancer, wasn’t strong enough.

But they make her strong. The boys and Jen.

When it reaches 10pm, Henry gets tired and heads up to bed, Charlie helps Judy up the stairs because she gets dizzy after sitting still for so long. So he walks behind her with a protective hand hovering over her back and then checks to make sure she doesn’t need anything before turning in. Judy tucks Henry in first, sitting on his bed for a while until he gives into sleep. He’s staring up at her and she brushes some hair away from his head.

“Judy?”

Judy tilts her head with a smile in response.

“You won’t ever leave here will you?”

Judy frowns. “Where is this coming from?” She shakes her head with a frown.

Henry sighs, his hands playing with the tie that’s dangling from Judy’s night gown. “It’s just, what if you meet someone? Like remember Michelle…You wouldn’t wanna live here then would you?”

She thinks the question over in her head. She doesn’t think she’ll meet anyone, especially now with her thin lifeless hair and scale like skin that looks not that far from a corpses. _‘I’m done with…all of that…”_ Jen had once said. ‘ _Well I’m not’_ She’d responded, and she wasn’t. Not then anyway. She liked the freedom of sex without worry, it wasn’t as if she didn’t have feelings for Michelle, because she did, but they weren’t strong and overpowering, which is why it wasn’t hard when Michelle had pulled away and distanced herself from her. Michelle was nice, and she could have settled for nice, but nice was as far as it went. Having cancer made her want to find something unique, special and safe because it’s put her life into perspective, life isn’t forever. But she has everything she wants with Jen and the boys, why would she go looking?

“I won’t meet anyone, I’m happy just being here with you all, my family” And there’s no ‘just’ about it.

“You’re staying with us forever then?”

Judy nods. The word _forever_ reminds her of the uncertainty in her life surrounding ‘time’ right now. But for Henry she smiles, kisses his forehead goodnight and whispers “forever”.

*

Judy’s tired but Jen isn’t home yet, it’s half past ten. She hasn’t heard from Jen all night, if Jen wasn’t Jen; a total badass bitch who can handle herself more than easily enough, Judy would be worried. She hopes the date went well, or at least Jen had a good time. Henry’s question plays in her mind while she’s trying to watch her favourite cooking show, her promise of forever lingering in her head like a guilty conscience. She hopes she won’t break that promise, knows she’ll fight her hardest not to.

She thinks about his other question, about her meeting someone else, presumably a long term partner whom she’d move out and start a new life with, it was true what she said, she doesn’t want any of that, doesn’t think about starting the perfect family and getting engaged and then married like she used to. Her perfect family is right here.

When she brushes her teeth and cleanses her face moments later, she takes a good look at herself in the mirror and scoffs a laugh. _Who would want her anyway?_ Her hair is drastically thinning, before it was bouncy and voluminous and now it’s flat and lifeless, a lot like her eyes that just don’t seem all that bright anymore. Layers of bags underneath them. Cheekbones as defined as Malificent’s as they pierce her skin. Lips cracked and sore from anxious gnawing away at them. _Jen would_ , a part of her thinks. She’d tell her she’s beautiful no matter what, she does almost every day. But with a shake of her head she removes that thought, Jen shouldn’t _have_ to, probably doesn’t even want to.

She climbs into bed with the thought that she hopes Mark, Jen’s date, told her she was beautiful. She deserves to hear it every second of every day.

*

“Shit” … “fuck”

Jen tries to steady herself, rubbing a hand over her shin that the doors just fucking assaulted, there’s bound to be a bruise there by morning, she can already feel it throbbing. She closes the door quietly, a single light has been left on in the hallway, courtesy of Judy, Jen reckoned, and she takes her heels off along with her jacket. Rolling her ankles as she walks, she places her keys on the kitchen counter and grabs a glass of water. She downs it all in one and then goes to lock the front door, jamming the wrong key in the wrong hole about twenty times before finding the correct one. She makes her way upstairs after, tiptoeing quietly past the boys’ bedrooms and trying not to creek the bedroom door so she doesn’t wake Judy. 

No need though, since Judy’s laid awake watching tv.

“Hey” Jen quietly says.

“Hi!”

“Did you wait up for me?”

“Course”

Jen shakes her head, “Well thanks, you didn’t have to”

Judy shrugs. “How was your date?”

Jen grabs a set of pyjamas and quickly changes into them, taking a makeup wipe from her drawers and wiping it off as she gets into bed next to Judy. Jen shrugs. “Fine I guess”

Judy frowns. “Was Mark a nice guy?”

“Yeah”

Jen throws the wipe towards the bin but misses, waving it off tiredly, she’ll pick it up tomorrow. She knows Judy’s looking at her, can practically feel the questions building up inside that wild brain of hers but honestly she doesn’t wanna talk about how her _date_ wasn’t really like a _date_ and that this guy was nice but she’d friend zoned (or maybe acquaintance-zoned) him before she’d made it to the restaurant tonight. At least the food was nice and he _did_ pay. Drinking wine with a random dude amongst an uncomfortable silence though wasn’t so fun, she’d only had one glass.

“How was your night with the boys?” Jen defers from the topic of her night to ask about Judy’s.

“Good, and I didn’t feel sick once” Judy says with a slightly dramatic wide smile.

Sure she didn’t feel sick, but she felt tired and dizzy and her head had been pounding all night.

“But anyway, back to your date” Judy stresses the last word. “Are you gonna see him again?”

“I don’t think so” Jen scoffs dismissively.

“Why not?”

Jen shakes her head. “Just ‘cos”

“That’s not a reason”

“Well it is-“

“No it isn’t”

“Judy-“

“Are you really gonna argue with a sick person?” Judy fake glares at her and Jen turns to her with a serious frown.

“Okay you know what?” Jen folds her arms. “You want me to be honest?” She says, kind of defensively.

“Always”

Jen sighs and turns to face Judy, “All night I was sitting there tryna listen to this boring piece of fuck talk about his job and his life, and I tried to enjoy the food and the free wine I really did, but _all_ I could think about…” Jen tilts her head down. “…was you” She finishes.

_Shitshitshit_.

Judy frowns and opens her mouth to speak but falls flat, she ends up looking like a fish under water, opening and closing her mouth with nothing coming out. She hadn’t done anything wrong, she hadn’t given a reason for Jen to _think_ about her, whatever that even means.

“You don’t need to worry about me Jen, I can take care of myself for one night” Judy says, figuring Jen’s just worried about her. That’s the only reason why she’d ‘think about her all night’ while on a date, _right?_

Jen facepalms dramatically with a loud huff. “That’s not what I meant”

“Then what did you mean-“

Judy suddenly can’t speak because Jen’s lips are on hers and she freezes, _what?_

As fast as they were there though, they’re gone before Judy can respond in any way, she grimaces at her own reaction, which was practically non existent. Jen pulls away and puts a hand over her mouth, tipping her head back and banging it on the headboard accidentally.

“Fuck”

Jen turns to her. “I don’t know what that was”

Judy sighs. “Jen I-“

But Jen’s already standing up and rambling on about how much of an idiot she is, Judy manages to catch “I’m so fucking sorry Judy I don’t even know-“, then Jen’s raking her hands through her hair and pacing the room, “…we…” a sigh, “fuck shit I…” another sigh, “just don’t say anything okay I _know_ that you don’t like-“, a shake of blonde hair, “just forget it, I’m sorry Jude…”

It happens so fast and then Jen’s walking off, fleeing to the guesthouse and muttering goodnight on her way. Judy tries to stop her, wants to go after her but when she stands a dizzy spell rushes over her and she has to grip the duvet for balance. She takes a couple of deep breaths and stands again, much steadier this time and as quickly as she can manage she follows Jen. She’s made it as far as the kitchen apparently, and she hears muffled sobs before seeing Jen sat on a stool with her head in her hands.

She patters over to her in her slippers, Jen hears her and quickly wipes her face with her pyjama sleeve. Judy tests the waters by rubbing a hand over Jen’s shoulder and she’s glad when she doesn’t pull away. She turns Jen around on the stool so she’s practically standing between the blonde’s legs. A hand comes to softly wipe a stray tear from Jen’s face and she leans into it as if she can’t help herself.

“Hey”

Jen sighs. “Hey” she says tearfully.

Her face is covered in tears and Judy’s pretty sure there’s snot on her top lip from crying, but Judy can’t help but thinking how beautiful she still is.

“Don’t run away, talk to me” Judy adds a “please” to the end of that with a small smile that she hopes is comforting.

“I can’t” Jen spits out a little harshly and Judy visibly deflates, “because I don’t even know what’s happening in my head right now” she quickly adds, Judy nodding along.

“I’m just gonna ask-“ Jen knows it’s coming. “Why did you… _kiss_ me?” Just says, whispering the ‘k’ word as if it’s scandalous or secretive. Jen’s trying to figure out how Judy feels about it before she answers, but her face is flat, not giving anything away and Jen curses internally.

_How the fuck is she supposed to explain that she’s kindainlovemaybewithherbestfriend_.

_Maybe._

Jen shrugs. “I just…wanted to” She says and it doesn’t help the situation what so ever. “I liked it” Is added on ever so quietly after, Judy’s not even sure she heard her right.

“You wanted to kiss me? Why?” Judy asks because quite frankly, _why would anyone think of kissing her? Jen’s lips are probably sore from meeting her own chapped ones._

“Because you’re fucking amazing Judy and I just-“ Jen grips her temples with her fingers, rubbing up and down to help the major headache that’s coming on. It’s probably just her head about to burst with everything she’s feeling right now. “I have so many feelings about you going around in my head right now-“

Judy tilts her head.

“And it’s not like they haven’t always been there, I’ve always just put it down to being a good friend for the first time in fucking ever, but… _all_ I think about is you Judy, every minute of every day”

Judy’s eyes widen.

But Jen’s started and now the words are just spilling out of her mouth, “I think about how I can make you fucking laugh and I get distracted at work wondering how you are and if you’re actually okay in that slightly crazy head of yours and-“

The words don’t quite make sense, but if she stops now she’ll probably combust. “I wanna _be_ with you every second, I wanna take care of you and do just- _everything_ with you”

Jen swallows. “And you’re so kind, and gorgeous and despite being fucking cancer-ed up your still so fucking hot and it makes me crazy because you don’t even try”

Judy waits for her to say something else, but nothing comes. Instead of Jen’s sighs and goes to stand, “but it’s okay, you obviously don’t think the same about me, and why would you I mean I’m a fucking mess-“

Judy pushes her back down into the seat.

Jen frowns, “okay..?”

Judy steps closer to her, and pulls the leaver on the stool to higher the chair until Jen’s sitting on an stool that’s as high as her, not that it needed much adjusting, Judy’s tiny, she gets it. Without warning Judy leans forward and captures Jen’s lips in her own, and this time it’s Jen that freezes because _Judy’s actually fucking kissing her. First_. She recovers better than Judy though, and soon the two of them are moving in sync against each other, lips slightly more than brushing against each other’s but only slightly, as if testing the water, it could almost be chaste but the care and adoration behind it means something more. Something that neither of them know.

They pull back relatively at the same time, averting eyes and not knowing what to say. Judy clears her throat.

“I liked it too”


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Loving you like this, and then losing you… it would destroy me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! It’s been a while, hope everyone enjoys this chapter! 
> 
> Huge thanks and credit goes to Carrina, @fuzzandfreckles on Twitter and @realthicbitch on here, for writing this chapter with me, go read her fics she’s amazing ! :) 
> 
> Warning for smut later on in the chapter :)

It’s strange after the kiss, because everything is normal, and feels like nothing has changed at all. They haven’t really spoken about it; when Charlie and Henry are in the room they share glances and touches that happened frequently before, but now even brushing hands seems secretive and lustful. Judy catches Jen staring at her  _ a lot,  _ during movie nights, at chemo sessions, and every time she meets her gaze, Jen turns away with a blush, biting her cheek to stop herself from smiling too much. 

For once in her life Judy feels wanted; she sees Jen eyeing her up and it feels like the most amazing thing in the world. Between shared kisses at night and frequent make out sessions in the hot tub, never going past anything that required a lack of clothing, Judy felt like melting because the love Jen radiates is like nothing else. She’s gentle yet passionate, neither of them had pushed into taking ‘the next step’, after a heavy make out session with a little caressing of bodies and tender squeezes Judy’s always tired anyway, Jen’s never angry though and she makes a habit of kissing her and whispering “next time, huh?” 

Chemo sessions are a lot more gruelling the further along in her treatment she gets. The symptoms are horrible, and some days she can’t even bear to get out of bed. She’s lost so much weight, and Jen had to go out and buy her smaller sized clothing because her dresses swallow her now. It feels as if she’s wearing a shell of the body she had before; her hair has thinned out so much, and she can’t bear going out without a beanie on. Jen had bought it for her because the autumn weather was a little too chilly for her balding scalp. She’s got a few piling up now though in her bottom drawer, but her favourite will always be the one Jen got for her, “ _ I chose yellow because ya know… symbolises hope or whatever _ ,” she’d said before pulling the hat gently over Judy’s head, softly patting it once for good measure. Judy’s self conscious about leaving the house now, her usual radiance had disappeared underneath fear of being stared at. When Judy had practically hidden behind her and the boys while going to the mall, Jen’s heart had broken, and she’d told Judy, “If someone even  _ looks  _ at you the wrong way, I’ll fucking punch them." 

Judy is a little more comfortable with it now though, and it helps when she’s invited out with some of the patients from chemo because they all look similar. Abigail invites her, Jen and the boys to her home for dinner a few nights a week, and shares her stories from  _ back in the day. _ Charlie and Henry had warmed to her quite quickly, and Jen appreciates her kindness towards Judy and herself during the chemo sessions that aren’t so pretty, the ones where Judy’s bawling her eyes out and Jen’s trying to hold her together. Abigail often passes along a box of tissues and a reassuring smile. Despite not really helping anything, it goes a long way. 

“Lorna’s taking the boys tonight,” Jen says, taking a deep breath and kicking her heels off after another long day of work. Thank fuck it’s Friday. “I was thinking... you and me, some pizza, some non-alcoholic wine, and a pamper night?” 

Judy turns to Jen from her spot on the couch, putting down her sketch pad and smirking at the face masks and bottle she’s waving in front of her. The no alcohol thing during treatment is definitely something they’d had to get used to, but Jen had told her from the start that they were doing this together so if that meant no wine then it meant "no fucking wine.” 

“Sounds great, Lorna’s here already?” Judy asks, seeing Henry and Charlie carrying overnight bags in the distance. 

Jen nods. “Mhm, she’s the one who gave me this actually.” She holds up the tube of face mask. “Apparently someone got it for her as a gift but she’s allergic to it or something so…” 

“That’s so kind of her!” 

“Yeah...” Jen nods. 

“Bye mom, bye Judy!” Henry calls and then runs out to his grandma to climb in the car. 

“See ya,” Charlie’s less enthusiastic farewell.

The two of them wave, Jen stands at the door until the car is gone and then sets about grabbing two glasses and changing out of her work clothes. 

“Do you wanna get some snacks?” Jen shouts from upstairs. 

“Sure thang!” Judy snaps her fingers jokingly, and Jen’s head appears over the banister on the stairwell. 

“Please don’t.” Jen makes a gagging noise and then whips of blonde hair pass as she goes back to the bedroom.

Judy giggles and then goes to the kitchen to rummage through their snack cupboard. She pulls out a box of Entenmann’s cookies, a bag of sweet and salted popcorn, fruit leather (because they needed eating and the boys weren’t keen), and two large glasses for the non alcoholic wine. Jen’s down within a few minutes and she helps lay the snacks out, stealing a few bits of popcorn as she does. Judy pours the wine and takes a sip. 

“Hmm, almost as good as the real thing.” 

Jen scoffs. “It tastes like dishwater and cherries.” 

“Well  _ you _ can still drink, ya know?”

Jen nods, her hands full with multiple bowls and she walks quickly to put them down on the coffee table in front of the tv. She smiles at Judy.

“I know.” 

Judy sets down their glasses and takes a seat. “So cucumber mask?” She says suggestively, holding up the tube. 

“We have some right?” Jen asks, already walking to the fridge to see. 

“Yep, right under the lettuce.” 

“Got it.” 

Slices of cucumber are placed on top of their eyes, Jen does Judy’s for her, gently applying the peel off mask to her cheeks, chin and forehead, making sure to hold her head back in place so she doesn’t knock the cucumber off. 

“Okay, now don’t move.” 

Judy squeals at the coldness of the cucumbers on her eyelids but then settles back into the couch with a relaxed sigh. 

Jen groans, “Peace and quiet at last… ya know…” She scoffs and Judy hears her shuffling around in the seat a little to get comfy. “If Henry asks one more time about getting a pet I’m gonna explode.” 

Judy laughs, muffled because of the tightness of her face. “Maybe we could get him one?” She says and her voice comes out high pitched, testing Jen’s patience. 

“Fuck no, not you too!” 

“Why not?”

“Because when he gets bored of it  _ we’ll  _ be the ones taking care of it.” 

Judy removes the cucumber from her eyes, it’s gone soggy and her eyelids feel numb from the cold. "How about something small? Like a hamster, or a…” Judy thinks for a minute, placing the cucumber slices on top of the coffee table on napkin. “A fish!” 

“A fish counts as a pet? They just sit there and don’t do anything.” Jen turns her nose up.

“That’s the point, Henry would only have to feed it and clean once a week or something.” 

Jen hums, processing. 

“Maybe, I’ll think about it.” 

“I vote clown fish if you agree.” 

“And what-we can call it nemo?” 

“Obviously!” 

“Obviously,” Jen echoes with a small grin and shakes her head with a fond smile, muttering a “shit” when the cucumber falls off. She places it on top of Judy’s, and touches her face, it feels like it’s dry and she’s glad because her nose is itching and she can’t reach it through the mask. 

“Fuck.” Jen begins to peel of the mask but it sticks to her cheeks. “Maybe I should have put less on, it’s gonna rip my face off.” 

Judy leans over, pushing Jen’s fingers away and grimacing sympathetically before yanking the mask from her face like a wax strip. 

“Ow! What the fuck!” 

“I’m sorry, sorry!” she says quickly, “The faster it’s off the less it hurts, it’s like tearing off a bandaid.”

Jen scoffs, it’s ironic almost. It kind of reminds her of their relationship, whatever that relationship is. She’s been wanting to ask Judy what the fuck was happening with them but she’s not sure if either of them really know; if Judy asked her the same question she’d probably fall flat in coming up with any type of answer. Truly, she’s loved getting to kiss Judy whenever she wants (well, not quite, because of the boys), and she thinks Judy feels the same.  _ Thinks _ . Maybe she should just  _ rip off the bandaid _ and ask. 

_ Maybe.  _

“Shit you put it on your eyebrows!” 

Judy exclaims, licking her fingers to dampen them and wiping her wet index along Jen’s eyebrows, she’s practically having to scrub the mask off, if she peels it then she’s pretty sure Jen’s eyebrows will be coming with it. 

“Fuckkk, ” Jen groans. 

…

Their relaxed night ends with the warm scent of buttery popcorn, dim lights and a comedy, a thick quilt draped over both their legs. Judy leans into Jen’s side with her head resting on her shoulder and Jen can feel her breath on her arm. 

As the end credits roll Judy sighs contentedly, snuggling further into Jen’s shoulder, seemingly comfortable for the time being. 

“Thanks for tonight, I love spending time with like...just me and you,” Judy says. “Not that I don’t  _ love _ family nights,” she adds, and Jen knows she means it, with anyone else she’s sure it would sound ingenuine.

“No need to thank me, Judes,” Jen says, the nickname rolling off her tongue naturally and Judy grins, Jen feels the corners of her mouth turn up against her arm.

“You know…” Judy cuts herself off with a shake of the head “actually, never mind.” 

“No, go on.” 

Judy pouts. Jen nudges her gently. 

“Well, tonight would have seemed kinda like a date, if we were…” Judy swallows audibly. “Ya know..” 

She raises her eyebrows at Jen suggestively, then turns her head as if shy. 

“Maybe it would,” Jen says. “-could be,” She adds, a furious blush creeping up onto warm cheeks, thankfully the dimness of the room conceals it from the brunette. 

“But…” Jen then says. And Judy’s already frowning, preparing herself for a knock back. 

“I’d like to...do this properly, ya know...take you out somewhere when you’re better, just us.” 

Then Judy’s smiling from ear to ear. “Really?”

Jen hums. “We do stuff like that anyway, so no pressure.” 

“Probably why everyone already thinks we’re…” Judy clicks her tongue and makes a “woo-hoo” noise and opens her index and middle fingers on both hands to close them together.  _ Scissoring, fuck’s sake Judes.  _

“Fucking,” Jen offers. “You can say it.”

“Having sexual relations,” Judy settles with and Jen hits her thigh and the two burst into a carefree laughter. 

There’s a moment between them, it feels charged with desire and love and care all at once, the laughing has died down and they’re gazing into each other’s eyes. Their breaths are in sync, and their faces are so close together that they can feel each other's breath on their flushed cheeks. 

Slowly, Judy leans forward to press her lips against Jen’s already pouted ones and lays a hand atop of Jen’s on her own leg. She’s aware of how sweaty her palm is so she quickly moves it to grip Jen’s waist over her clothes, scrunching the fabric there in her hands. Jen leans in further moving her hand to cup Judy’s jaw, her thumb caresses soft skin in an up-down motion. 

Once they pull back, they’re both breathless with pupils blown wide. Jen grins. 

“Okay?” 

Judy nods. “Okay.” She smiles. “And you?” 

“Me too.” Jen’s voice is hushed and she's out of breath; it reminds Judy how badly they both want this, how long they’ve been waiting for each other. Jen pulls her softly into another kiss, running her tongue against Judy’s bottom lip. Judy parts her lips for her and feels bold, a hot drop of desire falls from her chest to her center as she palms Jen’s breast over her shirt. Jen tenses for a moment, and Judy worries she’s gone too far, but then Jen sighs into her mouth and relaxes into the touch. This is huge for Jen, Judy knows, and she wants to make Jen feel beautiful. But there’s been this nagging voice in the back of her head telling her that Jen will never find  _ her  _ beautiful like this. Her hair and eyebrows are gone, her skin is pallid and dry, and her protruding collarbones and ribs and hips make her feel like an imitation of what she used to be. This fear is only confirmed when Jen raises a hand to Judy’s breast but stops, pulling away before she makes contact. She offers Judy a watery smile. 

“I’m sorry, Judy, I… I can’t, I’m so sorry,” Jen whispers in a rush, and Judy feels like she’s been slapped in the face, can’t quite believe that Jen would bring her this far if she didn’t really want to.

Judy backs off a little, shuffling further back on the couch and pulling her hands away from Jen’s body. She clenches them into fists, digging her nails in so they leave crescent moon shaped indents in her palm. 

“Jude…” Jen’s hands are on top of hers then, prying them open and clasping them in her own. 

“I get it,” Judy says softly, her eyes cast down toward the floor. “I’m not… I don’t… I wouldn’t want me like this either,” she says, and tears streak quickly over her cheeks. “It’s okay.”

“Oh, Jude, no, it’s not that, I  _ promise  _ it’s not that,” Jen starts but Judy can’t really hear her, not over the pounding of her heart in her ears and the sob she’s trying desperately to hold in.

“Look at me Jen, I look like a corpse,” Judy cries, floodgates opened, unable to hold back her sobs any longer. “And I’m so scared that’s how this is gonna end,” she chokes out. 

Jen’s breath hitches, and her hands tighten automatically around Judy’s as if anchoring her to life somehow. She’s not naive or cruel enough to try and promise Judy that this will end in sunshine and rainbows and that death is nowhere near as inevitable as Judy believes. Her mother was proof of how quickly a person can be ripped away from the world. 

From her. 

She’s supposed to reassure Judy, because she’s the one actually living through this nightmare, but she finds herself unable to speak though; she opens her mouth to find the right words but there truly aren’t any, instead she mirrors Judy’s devastated expression, unable to hide the tears falling over her flushed cheeks. 

“Judy you’re so,  _ so  _ beautiful,” Jen says, turning to face Judy head on. She runs her hand slowly up Judy’s arm, over her shoulder and up to her jaw, cupping Judy’s cheek in her palm. Judy leans into her soft touch and tries to steady her breath. “You’re so beautiful, and so strong, and I love every part of you.” She leans in to place kisses over Judy’s cheeks, her eyelids, her nose, never breaking contact with her skin. Judy closes her eyes and there’s tears spilling again, wetting Jen’s hand where it’s still touching her face. Jen rests her forehead against Judy’s and takes a shaky breath.

“I’m so scared Jude,” Jen whispers, and Judy can feel Jen trembling, hear the crack in her voice. “I’m so scared that I’m gonna lose you.” She can’t look Judy in the eye or she’ll lose her nerve. She can’t watch Judy’s face as she rips these fears out of her chest. “I tried so hard to stop loving you this way,” she confesses, her voice cracky and shaking. “Loving you like this, and then losing you… it would destroy me.” Jen is sobbing now, and Judy snakes her arms around Jen’s neck, pulling her into an embrace as tight as she can muster. 

“But I  _ do  _ love you, more than I’ve ever loved anyone, and all I’ve wanted to do for weeks is just make you feel good, and make you forget for a little while. But I don’t want to hurt you or wear you out… I don’t know. I want you so bad, but I don’t want to take something you can’t give me.”

Judy slowly nods against her, her cheek hurts from biting down on it and she’s got a headache from the amount of crying, but she holds on tight to the sobbing blonde and kisses her hair. 

“Being gentle with me isn’t the same as pushing me away,” Judy says, pulling away from Jen only slightly to face her. “And I don’t want you to tiptoe around me because you're scared of hurting me.” 

Jen nods quickly in understanding, her bottom lip wobbling as she tries to compose herself. 

“When I was first, diagnosed…” Judy cringes at the thought even now that she’s halfway through her cancer treatment; it still pains her every day but she’s learning to live with it. “I said I didn’t wanna be a burden-“ Jen’s head is already shaking as if to tell her of course, she’s not and never will be, but Judy continues, “and I didn’t want you treating me any different… the same goes for now. Just treat me like this is normal.”

“Can’t do that I’m afraid-“

Judy frowns and Jen quickly carries on, “you...Judy Hale,” she shakes her head almost in amusement “are  _ far  _ from normal… and I love you.” 

A smile creeps up on Judy's face, masking the tear streaks that have now dried on her chin and cheeks. “I love you too.” 

Jen mirrors Judy’s smile and dries the last of Judy’s tears with the back of her hand, moving to swipe at her own face after. She shakes her head and blows out a puff of air. “If you still want this, so do I.” 

Judy leans in to capture Jen in a quick kiss before pulling back to say, “I think maybe it’s all I’ve ever wanted,” then Jen’s taking her head in her hands and peppering kisses everywhere, stopping to place a longing one on Judy’s plump lips. 

“Well, alright then…” Jen whispers against Judy's lips. She sighs contentedly. "Do you, um, should we-" 

"Jen?" 

"Yeah?" 

"Take me upstairs."

… 

“Fuck-“

“Sorry.”

“It’s okay…” Jen laughs, rubbing her elbow from where she’d just banged it against their bedroom door as she clumsily tried to guide Judy in backwards while holding her hands. 

Judy takes in the amount of makeup scattered over the bed. She remembers Jen being in a hurry this morning and saying she’d clear up when she’s home. She had wondered what she meant. Jen sees her smirking at the makeup wipes everywhere and shrugs. 

“I told you I left a mess this morning,” Jen says while tying her hair quickly back into a loose bun. 

Judy eyes the bed and quite uncharacteristically shoves the makeup bag, stray wipes and brushes to the floor. Jen raises an eyebrow. 

“Impatient much?” Jen cocks her head to the side with a small grin, making her way over to take Judy’s hands and guide her to the foot of the bed. 

Judy allows herself to be led, swaying her hips and laughing as Jen stumbles backwards on top of the bed. “It can wait.” She surges forward, leaning fully on Jen who’s collapsed backwards onto the bed, her feet still touch the floor and her knees bend over the side. 

Jen moves loose strands of her hair from her face and meets Judy halfway in a passionate kiss, moving further up the bed and bringing Judy with her. 

They find themselves in a familiar position, Jen on her side with Judy cradled in her arms. It's different now, though, electric, as Jen slides a hand under Judy's shirt. There's no hesitation this time, and for a moment Judy wonders how for even a second she thought Jen didn't want her. 

Judy gasps, a quiet  _ "Oh,"  _ when Jen's fingers ghost over her hardened nipple.

"What do you want, Jude?" She's whispering as if she's afraid too loud of a noise will break the sanctity of this moment. 

"I wanna forget," Judy sighs, "just for a minute." She kisses Jen a little harder than before, and whimpers when Jen responds by nipping her lip. "Make me forget."

Jen slowly trails her hand over Judy's ribs and torso, pausing when her fingers reach just under the waistband of Judy's pajamas. Judy covers Jen’s hand with hers and pushes her further; she's not wearing underwear and the feeling of Jen's fingers on her center makes her open her legs, allowing Jen to feel her slick arousal. 

A shiver rakes through Judy’s body and she feels herself clench as Jen’s fingers start moving in small circles over her clit. Jen never takes her eyes off of Judy, as if she’s looking for confirmation that this is okay, that Judy’s okay and isn’t going to break. The relaxed pleasure on Judy’s face tells her all she needs to know, and she dips her head and drops kisses over Judy's neck, her hand working slowly in between Judy’s legs, two fingers entering her gently. 

Judy wiggles her arms free and tugs her shirt over her head. She wants Jen to see her, fully; she shimmies out of her pajama pants and bites her lip, waiting under Jen's gaze. 

"You're so beautiful, you're perfect," Jen says, kissing Judy's throat, her collarbones, settling at the swell of her breast for a moment before covering one of Judy's nipples with her tongue. Judy gasps, bucking her hips which only brings Jen deeper inside of her. Jen's thumb is on her clit suddenly, and Judy shivers, whimpers as Jen curls her fingers just so. She lays there in pure bliss, revelling in the way Jen’s working her over, so gentle, such love in every touch, and then she's coming, hard, clenching around Jen's fingers and writhing in her arms; Jen brings her back down to earth with gentle strokes of her fingers as Judy rides out her orgasm, peppering her face with kisses between words of affirmation. 

Judy’s got a thin layer of sweat on her forehead that glistens, her cheeks warm and flushed. A content, lazy smile appears on Judy’s face and her soft panting dies down. 

“I love you,” she whispers, rolling on her side to press her head against Jen’s. 

Jen kisses her nose, smiles affectionately at her. She strokes Judy’s side as she whispers back, “I love you too.” 

And Judy feels like crying, because, she’s had sex before, more times than she can probably remember with drunken one night stands in college, with Steve and his rough hands, Michelle and their soon extinguished desire towards each other. But this? This was something else. It’s as if Jen’s physically poured all of her love into Judy’s body, as if her heart was empty and then she met Jen and it’s now full, to the brim and overflowing. 

“Hey…” Jen drags out the vowel sound, a sense of confusion in her voice as she adds “What's wrong?” 

She didn’t even realise she’s been crying as Jen wipes a tear from the side of her face. 

“Jude?”

Judy shakes her head and sniffles. “Nothing’s wrong,” she says as she takes Jen’s hand and clasps it between her own. “I’m not upset, I’m happy.”

Jen frowns confused, a small smile appears on her face though. “You cry when you're happy?” 

Judy hums and wipes her face with the back of her hand. “So do a lot of other people, happiness is a very emotional...emotion”

And then the two burst out laughing, Jen covers her face with her own hand at the ridiculousness of this woman who’s just the love of her fucking life at this point. 

Judy stops laughing suddenly, her face taking on a serious look as she moves her hand to the arch on Jen’s hip. Jen takes the hint and shuffles closer on the bed so Judy doesn’t have to, connecting their lips passionately as she does so. 

Judy’s hand trails up and down Jen’s side, Jen can’t help but shiver when Judy’s hand passes over the side of her breast and she leans into the touch surprisingly. Judy’s willingness to actually  _ touch _ her there overrides any shame and disgust she felt towards herself that Ted put there. His averting eyes and shell shocked face that looked as if he was about to vomit whenever he looked at her chest are long forgotten as Judy’s hand moulds around her breast, squeezing softly as she kisses her. 

A yawn interrupts Judy’s  _ very experienced  _ (Jen thinks) groping and she pulls back to cover her mouth. The tiredness from previous  _ activities  _ seems to come upon her and take over, her eyes seen to droop slightly as Jen tries to meet them. 

“Judy it’s fine don’t worry,” Jen assures.

Judy shakes her head and recognises the heaviness in her head as she tries to lift it in order to move and straddle Jen. 

“Sorry Jen I-“

“Jude,” Jen quietens her with a firm kiss. “We have all the time in the world for you to show me your... _ talents. _ ” She winks and it makes Judy laugh, as she’d hoped. 

Judy’s about to open her mouth to apologise again when Jen cuts her off, “Don’t say sorry, you’ve got nothing to be sorry for.” 

“Fucking chemo,” Judy says, mimicking Jen’s brooklyn accent and it has them both in stitches. Judy keeps talking like that, telling Jen dumb jokes as Jen gets up to change into pajamas, help Judy back on with hers, and until they fall asleep from laughing, wrapped up in one another as one, limbs tangled together under bed sheets. Both of them know that Judy will burn up in the middle of the night and she’ll detangle herself and push the covers onto Jen. And then by early morning she’ll be freezing and clutching to Jen like a koala bear, and Jen will sleepily wrap an arm around her waist, kiss her shoulder or head, whichever is closest, and then fall back asleep. 

So,  _ yeah, _ nothing’s really changed.


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “What is going on?” Judy giggles, her eye lashes flickering against Jen’s hand as she does.
> 
> “You’ll see…” Jen says. “Okay, open”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! 
> 
> I’m trying to establish a time frame in this chapter, originally I was going with the early chapters being around June time, and in this chapter it’s thanksgiving; just to give an idea of the timescale and how long Judy’s been having chemo for. 
> 
> Anyways, I haven’t reread this chapter for spelling etc so please lmk if there are any! 
> 
> Also, how many more chapters would everyone like of this? Idk it’s kinda sizzling out now they’re together, I may do a few more so Judy can get the all clear and then an epilogue? 
> 
> Any ideas for another AU? 
> 
> Pls comment :) enjoy this

The morning after feels like entering heaven for both Jen and Judy, waking up with lazy content smiles facing each other in tangled sheets feels like home, Jen pulls her closer in her arms as if to signify that Jen is in fact _home_. They both feel high from last night, Judy’s body is numb but in a good way instead of feeling like dead weight. She wishes she could have made Jen feel the way Judy did last night, but she knows there’ll be time for that later and that Jen’s not going anywhere. Neither is she if she can help it.

Breakfast is just a quick toast and raspberry jam, Jen makes it and brings two slices each up on a tray and a large plate for herself and Judy to eat in bed. If there’s crumbs she’ll just wash the sheets, quite frankly she doesn’t fucking care. Judy deserves five star fucking service, never mind breakfast in bed.

“I swear to god Jude you’re like a child….” Jen shakes her head fondly, amused by the amount of sticky red around the corner of Judy’s mouth(and on her nose and Jen has no clue how it got there). She reaches out her thumb to wipe it away and sucks it clean, a small smirk playing on her face.

Judy giggles and sticks her tongue out, confirming that she is in fact a ten year old. _No wonder her and Henry get along so well._

Jen clears her throat, a seriousness appearing in her eyes momentarily, and after sipping on her coffee (black, she needs it this morning) she asks “So no regrets for…” Jen tilts her head and her shoulders rise, “last night?”

Judy quickly swallows the toast, tossing a particularly burnt piece of crust back onto the plate and rubbing her crumby hands together. “No!” She exclaims, “Course not! Why do you because-“

“No” Jen stops her with a hand to her forearm. “I don’t either”

Judy nods slowly. “Good”

“Good”

*

“Thanks so much for having them Lorna, I’m really sorry Charlie kept you awake all night I’ll…take his x box from him or something as punishment” Jen says to Lorna as they stand in the hallway after the boys have scarpered upstairs. Bags have been dumped at her feet, she’ll stick them in the wash later, and she can already hear them talking to Judy who’s occupied with knitting in bed.

Lorna nods her head. “Good day Jennifer, and tell Judy I hope she’s doing well”

“Will do” Jen grins a tight knitted smile and holds the door open as Lorna walks out and to the car.

After one final wave she heads upstairs, bags hanging from her arms which she tosses in the laundry pile she was bringing downstairs before the boys got her. She thinks it’d have made more sense now to just stick the bags on the laundry downstairs instead of carrying extra weight but _fuck it_ , _too late_.

Henry’s talking to Judy about something when she walks in to their bedroom, he’s showing her an app on his iPad or whatever. Charlie’s sat on his phone and he looks up when she walks in with a cheeky grin.

He raises his eyebrows suggestively. “So how was your night?” He asks enforcing the ‘t’ with a nod of his head.

“Great, yours was disruptive I hear” Jen says, narrowing her eyebrows.

_Truly she doesn’t care if he kept Lorna up or not but…_

“I played until like 1 am and then she turned the electric off!” Charlie says, his voice cracking as it gets louder.

“Well you know Lorna, she hates you guys staying up past 10pm so…” Jen says, coming to sit at the end of the bed where Judy’s feet lay, she rests a hand on top of them and rubs at her fluffy socks unconsciously.

“Grandma made us meditate before bed, I thought it was kinda fun but…” Henry shrugs, turning his iPad screen off, apparently finished with whatever was on there.

“You should join me sometime Hen,” Judy smiles. “I used to mediate _all_ the time, not so often now but-“ probably because before she used to do it before bed, alone. Now she has Jen to keep her company instead of crystals and scented candles.

Henry nods enthusiastically and Charlie rolls his eyes.

“I’m starving are there any nachos?” Henry makes his way to the bedroom door already, Charlie follows and is saying something about not taking the spicy ones because ‘those ones are his’.

Jen leans over once they’re out of the door to steal a kiss and Judy melts into it, her hand twirling a strand of Jen’s hair around her index finger.

“I’ll take this,” Jen says afterwards, taking the breakfast tray in hand and holding her arm out for Judy to hang her other two mugs.

“I’m gonna probably take a bath,” Judy says mid stretch, her arms fall back to her lap, “if you wanna join-“ Judy wiggles her eyebrows and Jen grins, muttering “I’ll be up in a minute to _get dressed for work_ ” She emphasises and Judy just giggles, waving her hand as Jen leaves for the kitchen.

…

“Sshh-“

“Henry I told you-“

Jen waltzes in to the kitchen and dumps the tray in the sink for later. “What’re you two whispering about?” She asks while drying her wet hands on a towel.

Henry eyes Charlie and steps closer to Jen. “Mom, can you give me ten dollars?”

“For?”

“Christopher”

Jen frowns. “And why is Christopher wanting money from you?”

“Because I lost a bet”

Charlie laughs and turns his head to the floor, his hand sliding up and down his neck as he tries to contain his grin.

“Excuse me?” Jen shakes her head, a confused look on her face.

“You and Judy are together right?” Henry states more than asks.

“Um-“ She and Judy hadn’t really had a conversation about telling the boys so she doesn’t exactly know how to respond.

“Well we know you are because we just saw you two kissing upstairs” Charlie buts in, a cocky smirk on his face.

“Oh” Jen feels her face warm. “Well-“ She groans. “Fuck sake, we wanted to tell you properly and _together_ …”

Henry shrugs. “So the ten dollars?”

Jen shakes her head, her face begging for an explanation. Charlie finally gives in with a reluctant sigh. “We had bets, Christopher bet that you’d get together last night, I said it’d be your birthday because Judy would do something so freaking nice and you wouldn’t be able to resist.” Jen literally can’t believe what she’s hearing, _her sons had bets on her love life?_ “And Henry already lost and said it’d be when we went to Crystal Cove.”

“You guys are unbelievable” Jen scoffs shocked. She’s already walking upstairs to tell Judy what’s just happened when Henry opens his mouth again probably to ask about the ducking ten dollars so she beats him to it, “and tell Christopher to not gamble with children, and ask him when he started perving on mine and Judy’s love life!”

…

“So you’re really okay with it?” Judy asks.

They’re all sat in the living room after Judy’s bath, it’s a Saturday so they can afford to relax, they’ve got comfy outfits on and warm drinks in hand, some tv show plays in the background of their light chatter.

“Course!”

“Yup”

“And I would never want to replace your dad-“

“We know Judy” Charlie says. “You aren’t just here to fill his shoes or whatever, not that it’d even be hard to do, your practically the freaking glue of the family now so..”

Judy tears up at that. _Family._ She’ll probably never get used to the word, the butterflies it causes in her belly that feel warm and fuzzy, like a warm blanket on a snowy day.

“Yeah we love you” Henry adds with the sweetest smile.

Jen rests a warm hand on her thigh and leans into her, the love radiating through her touch.

_She’s home._

*

The days pass, and those days turn into weeks and then months. Judy’s round of chemo is hitting particularly hard, her skin turns yellow a few days after she’s had an appointment, and she’s always sick for the first day after her session. She sleeps most of the day, hardly eating, and she can’t remember the last time she left the house. Her mood is miserable, because she’s basically a shadow of her former self, she can’t paint because her arms feel so heavy and her hands shake like a thunderstorm. Sometimes she’s angry, at herself for not being strong enough to do the things she wants to, at Jen for fussing around her even though she knows deep down she’s just trying to take care of her, but most of the times she’s thankful that she’s still here.

Abigail passed. She’d found out from one of the nurses at chemo and she’d been devastated, it almost felt like losing Abe, she was such a dear friend to Judy and Jen as well. Judy had cried for hours on end because she wasn’t even fit enough to make it to the funeral.

Jen’s with her every step of the way, holds her hair back from the vomit, wraps her in blankets and warm arms when the shivers take over her body, helps her wash with tender hands massaging through her hair and squeezing soapy water over her body. She hates it when Jen cries, when she sobs uncontrollably in the bathroom because she thinks no one can hear. When she thinks _Judy_ can’t hear. But she thinks bathing in there and scooping Jen up in her arms would make it worse, she _knows_ Jen, and knows she needs time to empty all her emotions out by herself sometimes no matter how much it pains Judy to listen to. She also knows when Jen needs her arms, needs a hand to hold or a shoulder to cry into.

Basically the past few weeks have been horrible, almost the worst of Judy’s life. Her bedroom has become her nest, the darkness becoming her day and night. She sits knitting, the bedroom lamp turned on because if she opens the blinds and lets sunlight in then she’ll only end up with a massive headache, and she’s trying to follow a YouTube video on how to make a scarf, she’s making it for Jen in black and dark green to match Judy’s favourite green blazer of Jen’s. Her fingers ache by the time she’s completed about half of it and she sets the needles and left over wool down on the bottom of the bed with a sigh.

“Judy!”

She hears Henry shout from downstairs, they must have just got home from the mall, Jen said something about taking them to buy new shoes for the new school term this morning.

“Hi!” She shouts from upstairs.

“Can you come downstairs? We have something to show you” Henry asks, excitement lacing his voice.

“Um-“ Judy struggles a little to climb out of bed but once she’s up her legs start working. “Okay, coming, hold on!” Her hand grabs the door for balance as she makes her way to the stairs, Jen’s waiting for her halfway up them with offering a hand. She’s got a knowing smile on her face and Judy narrows her eyes.

Taking Jen’s hand she asks, “What’re you up to Harding?”

Jen shrugs feigning innocence and helps Judy down stairs.

“Close your eyes-“ Charlie shouts from the kitchen once he sees them downstairs.

Jen quickly puts one hand over Judy’s eyes while her other wraps around her waist.

“What is going on?” Judy giggles, her eye lashes flickering against Jen’s hand as she does.

“You’ll see…” Jen says. “Okay, open”

Jen moves her hand away and Judy opens her eyes. They widen as soon as she does and her jaw drops, a small gasp escaping as she looks at the boys.

They’ve shaved their heads and both boys look so much older, especially Henry and Judy tears up thinking about how she won’t be able to run her hand through his thick mop of head anymore, or ruffle Charlie’s head of hair in passing. Judy feels a sob wrack through her body as Henry tells her they decided to shave their heads for her, to make her feel less alone when the time comes and she has no hair on her own head left. It’s getting that way already, at least half has fallen out now but she hasn’t been able to find the courage to pick up the shaver and cut it all off for herself. There are bold patches, especially at the back of her head and she’s gotten used to hiding it with beanies, gotten used to not being able to style her bangs anymore or brush wavy hair. She’s sad every time she looks in the mirror and there’s no hair framing her face, but she’s accepted it, as Jen said; it’ll grow back.

“What do you think?” Henry asks, turning around to show the pattern shaved in the back of his head.

“Wow!” Judy steps closer to trace the short hairs that are in a pattern of a shooting star. Charlie’s got one too but his is zigzag lines going from both of his ears on the bottom of his head.

“It looks awesome” Judy adds, pulling both of them into a hug. Over their shoulders she sees Jen smiling, her eyes soft as she watches the boys engulf Judy in their arms. Judy can’t stop the tears from falling and she quickly burrows her face in Charlie’s jumper to compose herself.

When Judy pulls away from the hook she nods and takes a deep breath. She walks over to Jen and takes her hands, “I want you to do mine,” she says firmly, a small closed mouth smile to reassure her that she’s sure.

Jen drops one of Judy’s hand and goes to cup her face, thumb caressing lightly. “Okay, if you’re sure.”

Judy nods. “I’m sure.”

So she does that afternoon, Henry and Charlie sit beside her on the side of the bathtub as Jen drapes a towel around Judy’s neck in the bathroom. She’s sitting on the toilet seat and Jen squeezes into the gap between the seat and the bath, it’s not ideal and it’s no hairdressers, but it’ll do. Jen’s hands are shaking when she lifts and turns on the shavers and she has to take a deep breath before putting it to Judy’s head. She remembers her mom doing it and how different she looked after. Despite her embracing her new look and headscarf’s, teenage Jen carried around an awful amount of embarrassment for how her mom looked. The other girls’ moms were going out to clubs and helping out at activities fairs, her mom wasn’t healthy enough to do any of it. She hated parents evenings because she knew her mom would have to come into school and her class would see her bold head and realise that she was ill. Then Jen would just be the kid with a sick mom. She’d missed her moms long hair, she used to enjoy trying to plait it or practicing her ballet bun on her thick long blonde locks. Then one day it was all gone.

With Judy she’s sad, but she’s a fucking grown woman now who doesn’t get devastated about someone she loves losing their hair. She’ll miss combing through it, playing with the ends and feeling a warm set of hair beneath her chin. But honestly it hasn’t been like that for a while. She hopes Judy knows that having no hair doesn’t change anything, she’s still fucking hot and gorgeous and her hair doesn’t define her beauty. Her soul and heart does.

She clicks the switch to a more powerful setting and starts to glide it gently along Judy’s head. Hair falls down the towel and onto the tiled floor, Judy watches as it does and surprisingly she doesn’t feel like a part of her has gone with the falling strands. It’s quite the opposite, it’s almost empowering and for the first time she’s actually felt in control since her cancer diagnosis.

When she looks in the mirror once Jen’s finished her stomach knots and she swallows audibly. She’s shocked, obviously, she’s never imagined herself with no hair. In truth Judy doesn’t really know what to think, she looks the same as before but completely different all at once. It feels colder than before, and her head feels it as she runs her hand along the tiny spikes of hair still left there, she knows they’ll be gone soon enough. Jen meets her eyes through the mirror, and Judy feels her own tear up, overwhelmed. The kiss that Jen places to the top of her bare head makes her feel better about it though, and the words “you’re still beautiful” give her the courage she needs to smile and accept that this is what she looks like and Jen still loves her.

_It’s okay._

*

By thanksgiving, Judy is just finishing her second to last cycle of chemotherapy. Strangely, she feels particularly high spirited after her last appointment for her cycle , maybe it’s because of the impending celebration weekend that she gets to spend with her family, with the addition of Christopher (because him and his boyfriend broke up, he’s lonely), Lorna (because she’s lonely too) and Karen (also…lonely) on the night before their thanksgiving afternoon meal. Charlie picks her up after treatment, for the past two rounds of appointments Judy’s been able to go alone to her chemo sessions as long as someone’s there to pick her up, usually Jen, Christopher at a push or Charlie. Jen had been anxious about not accompanying her at first but Judy had already made friends with the entire ward so she got used to it after a few drop offs, plus she was the one bringing money in so she had to keep doing just that. On the way back Charlie pretends to be annoyed at Judy’s constant singing, but really he’s just glad the chemo symptoms are being kind and Judy’s actually upbeat.

The night before their meal with everyone, Judy helps Jen with cooking the turkey. Ted had always been the one to prepare thanksgiving dinner so Jen had no clue where to start, luckily for her Judy’s practically a five star chef and kind enough to guide her along, chipping in to cut a carrot here and there or season the meat.

Judy wants them to make desert also, cherry pie-Jen’s favourite-and if Jen revels in the feeling of Judy standing behind her, her front pressed to Jen’s lower back as she places her hands over her own and kneads the dough, then _who fucking cares._ Because the feeling of Judy’s warm torso up against her own makes Jen want to melt. She leans back into Judy and lets Judy’s hands take over, working the dough between her expert fingers.

“You know you’re supposed to help” Judy says, the voice makes her jump out of her little trance and Jen turns around to pull her into a kiss, not bothering to wipe her floured hands beforehand so now Judy has white handprints on her turtle neck jumper.

Deepening the kiss, Judy moans quietly and pushes Jen into the kitchen counter, the pan they’re using for the pie falls to the floor with a loud clatter and Judy mutters a quick “shit” before breathlessly going back to kissing Jen.

“Upstairs?” Judy asks, pulling back quickly.

“You sure?”

Judy takes Jen’s hand and leads her to the stairs, “I’m sure”, and then she’s pulling her back in for a kiss at the bottom of the stairs before walking up then as fast as she can manage. She’s out of breath by the time she’s at the top, and Jen places a hand on her back in support, telling her she’ll wait for her, they’ve got plenty of time and Jen would wait until the end of it for Judy. There’s no need though, as Judy tugs her to their bedroom with a fresh sense of energy and passion. It’s a good day, Judy wants to make the most of it.

They’re quiet because the boys are in, Charlie will have his headphones in anyway and Henry’s in the guesthouse painting but just incase, Jen locks their bedroom door before Judy leads her to the bed.

Jen’s never believed in ‘making love’, to her it sounded like some corny shit teenagers or really fucking elderly people say. It was always just sex for her, with Ted it was more about him that herself, or more about the end goal of her being pregnant after it. He’d wanted children, she wasn’t so fussed but she’d gone along with his planned fucking sex days where he’d make sure that at the end of it, there was a high chance of the sperm meeting the egg and then bam, he’d taken her upstairs quickly, they’d fucked and then he’d gone out with his friends afterwards for a beer in town. She enjoyed it yes, but it wasn’t anything to write home about. It was just something the two of them did sometimes when feeling a little high from the pot they smoked together to allow a conversation to start because without encouragement Jen remembers it being pretty hard to engage with him when all he cared about was music, beer and going on nights out with his friends. Or sometimes they’d made up using sex like two fuelled fires, pouring petrol on one another before eventually it exploded.

With Judy, Jen would call it making love. She treats her like a fucking angel, caresses her body with tenderness in her hands, even as she’s grabbing her behind or gripping her breasts, it feels soft and like feathers stroking down her body. It feels like home. As Judy traced _every inch_ of Jen that afternoon with her delicate fingers and expert tongue, she’d collapsed and almost cried out Judy’s name as she fell back into the sheets, Judy’s hand covering her mouth and then replacing it with her own lips. Her whole body felt pleasured more than it ever had with anyone else. It felt loved. Finally.

*

“How do I look?” Judy asks, turning around to swirl her burgundy skater style dress that stops at the knees and flares out. She’s done her makeup, just a dark red shade of lipstick and as much mascara as she can put on the little eyelashes she has left, she wears a black scarf, matching her black tights she’d decided to add to the outfit once her legs started to freeze through being on show.

Jen looks up from where she’s pulling socks on, and her eyes bulge at the sight of Judy. “Fuck you look amazing!”

Judy smiles and gives her a little shy shrug. “Thanks!”

And Jen’s surprised that she just accepts it, it tells her they’ve made progress and maybe their relationship is erasing the shitty memories of being ill treated in previous ones. She grins to herself proudly and begins pulling her other sock on.

“You’re wearing the green blazer with that right?” Judy asks, already digging around in her wardrobe for it. Jen’s wearing a black play suit that’s cut at her calves with wide bottoms, it looks a little odd with the long-ish socks that she’s pulled on, but they’re only going to their kitchen and she doesn’t fancy having freezing cold feet while trying to cook the turkey for dinner. And frankly she doesn’t fancy baring her feet to Karen.

“I am now,” Jen says, taking it from Judy and putting it on.

The boys are already downstairs with Lorna, who’s at least two hours early for the dinner, insisting that since she is family she should be here before the other guests. Jen and Judy come downstairs together and her eyes widen at the sight of them both. “Hello Jennifer, Judy.” She tips her head towards them both with a small smile.

“Hey”

“Hi Lorna! Can we get you anything? A drink or some nibbles-“ Judy asks, already making her way around the couch.

“No, Jennifer can-“ Lorna looks at her with an expecting pout.

Judy looks at Jen and shrugs, sitting down next to Henry on the couch across from Lorna and Charlie.

“Sure I can” Jen says, a feigned cheerful tone as she goes to fetch her some wine, which she assumes she wants.

“Judy,” Lorna moves her arms forward to interlock her fingers over her knee, taking on the straightest posture Judy’s probably ever seen. It makes her nervous.

“Y-yes Lorna?” She stutters, her face goes a little red.

“Now, Jennifer hasn’t told me but I think I’ve gathered by now, the two of you are courting?” She asks, eyebrows raised with a look on her face that Judy can’t quite decipher.

“Um…”

Charlie snickers into his hand and Judy snaps her head to him, her eyes begging for help but he averts them back to his phone.

“I mean I guess-“

“Here Lorna” Jen strolls back in then, _thank god,_ with a glass of wine and the bottle incase Lorna has a top up (let’s face it, she’s gonna have a top up) which she sets in front of her on the coffee table.

“Well?” Lorna asks Judy, ignorant to Jen standing in front of her holding out the glass which she soon places on the table next to the wine with a huff.

“What’s going on here?” Jen asks.

“Lorna’s asking if we are…‘courting’?” Judy says, eyes a little panicky because she and Jen have only told the boys and she can imagine it may be a slightly sore subject for Lorna since, well…Ted.

Jen looks at Judy and nods her head slowly. “We-are, yeah.”

“But I’m not tryna replace anyone or-“

“Shush” Lorna snaps her fingers and Judy buttons her lips, sitting back in her chair with her eyes darting around the room. “I’m happy for the pair of you.” She says with a small smile. That surprises both of them, Judy turns to her first with the widest smile on her face even if it does look a little unsure, as if she’s second guessing herself and Lorna hates the idea of them together.

“Thanks,” Jen says, a tight lipped smile flashing quickly.

Lorna beckons Jen out of the way with her hand waving twice, shooing her to the side so she can turn on the television. Squinting at the remote, she grabs her wine glass with the other hand and turns to some debate channel, that’ll keep her occupied for the afternoon.

…

“Hi honeys! How are we all? Oh Henry that suit is so handsome!”

Christopher makes an appearance around 5pm, strolling straight through the door carrying half a dozen bags, he’s made the starter for everyone, a simple tomato soup with sour doe bread that he apparently made himself even though Jen wouldn’t put it past him to have just put store brought food in his own containers.

“Hey-leave, I’m not having you messing up everything I’ve done here.” Jen says quickly stopping him from going to check on the turkey in the oven, everything is going to plan so far, Karen’s already here and is talking with Judy and Lorna in the living room and the boys are playing on the wii, she doesn’t need him ruining anything, especially the turkey she’d slaved over and wants Judy to hopefully compliment later on. Maybe.

“Chill Jen, I’m just checking that that burning smell wasn’t the turkey,” He says, dipping out of the kitchen quickly with a wave.

Jen hurries to the oven, _it’s not fucking burning_. “Fuck you Christopher!” She shouts after him, emphasising each syllable of his name. She rolls her eyes and goes back to grabbing enough plates and glasses for the table.

She wants everything to be perfect. For the boys, with Ted it always was, he’d have a patterned throw on the dining table, fancy cutlery and the food was cooked to perfection. The boys looked forward to thanksgiving every year. And she wants her first thanksgiving with Judy to be one to remember to, she deserves it after this whole shit storm of a year, and because she’s Judy; she deserves the world and more.

…

The meal goes without hitch, Karen’s a little too loud and Lorna’s extremely critical of the food but overall Jen actually enjoys her night. It helps that whenever Lorna says something punchable (in Jen’s mind) or whenever Karen’s voice grates like chalk on a chalkboard when rambling on about her blog or whatever, Judy’s hand shifts from her own lap to Jen’s, squeezing her thigh and rubbing over her knee. It’s also the healthiest Judy has felt and looked in months, she eats most of her dinner and a small slice of cherry pie, she compliments Jen even though she did kinda help with well, all of it.

The day after they have a meal to celebrate the holiday between themselves, they order food from the Chinese takeaway down the road from them and enjoy munching prawn crackers in between reruns of the ‘Worst Ever X Factor Auditions’, Henry’s choice. It has them in stitches all evening and Judy’s side hurts from laughing for once instead of aches. At the end of the night it’s just her and Jen wrapped up outside in blankets, snuggled together on one of the sun lounges (Jen knew Judy was small but Jesus she did not think that she’d be able to crawl in beside her and she’d actually be comfy there) looking up at the night sky that’s speckled with stars. Jen finds herself wondering how the brightest one shines beside her instead of up there with all the others.


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Thanks for…giving me the best Christmas ever” Judy turns to her with a smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys. This will probably be the last chapter in this, there is gonna be an epilogue though where Judy will be cancer free. 
> 
> I hope it’s everything you wanted or hoped for, this is such a long fic and I wanted to make it as satisfying as possible at the end. Hopefully you enjoy it. 
> 
> As always lmk if there’s spelling or grammar errors. 
> 
> Comments always appreciated! 
> 
> Also, check out my new Spy AU fic with Carly! :) 
> 
> bye xox

Charlie finds himself worrying about Judy more often than not, he wouldn’t admit it to anyone if asked but sometimes (a lot of times) he sits in class thinking about how she’s doing, if she’s feeling sick that particular day or whether she’s feeling fine enough to do some of her painting of bake her signature chocolate marshmallow brownies they’re _fucking amazing_.

These days he actually enjoys coming home, likes to sit around the table and eat whatever Judy or his mom have cooked for that night and talk about whatever, it reminds him of when it was just him and his mom and dad, when he was younger and they were practically the perfect family. Or so he thought, because the thing they have going now with Judy here makes it feel like back then there was always something missing. Since they’ve gotten their shit together and actually admitted that they fucking loved each other everything has fallen into place. Before they were always waiting for Judy leave or for Jen to do something and get angry and then force Judy to go, now both he and Henry knew that would never happen and even if they ever did split up, they’d always have Judy still. They wouldn’t lose another parent.

Henry’s been happier too, he sees it in the way he smiles more and doesn’t have raging outbursts anymore. He’s always been the golden child, the one his mom would sit with at night and read stories too, he _was_ too old for them anyway. But he guesses Henry’s always been the _one,_ like even though he was first born he’d always be second to his brother. Judy doesn’t make him feel like that though, she always invites him to go and join them in the guesthouse to paint, he always declines but he’s just glad he’s asked. She spends as much time with him as she does Henry, and Charlie regrets giving her the cold shoulder when she first moved in. If only he knew then what he knew now, that Judy would eventually be welcomed into their family.

_As if she wasn’t the second she walked in_ , he thinks.

*

“And who is that little cutie?”

Judy asks, pointing at a photograph of a ten year old Jen with her little arm around a ginger Labrador, she’s grinning up at the camera showing all teeth.

“Our dog, Samson, we rescued him when he was quite old, we didn’t have him long” Jen explains, and Judy appreciates her adding context to all the photos.

Judy doesn’t have anything like this, the only thing from her childhood is her baby blanket, which is why she cherishes it so much. She does have one small photograph from her school, paid for by her social worker, Debbie, who’d always felt bad for Judy. Jen had been talking about how fast the boys were growing up and then it lead to a conversation about their own childhoods, they knew everything about each others anyway except for what they both looked like. Jen had said she could imagine Judy walking around with little swirly pigtails in and a school dress, with knee high socks and shoes with a huge bow on the front. When Judy showed her the photo, bangs, pig tails (but plaited), a shirt and skirt that buries her tiny body she’d smiled fondly, traced over the wide smile on the young girls face and she wishes she knew her back then. Well, wishes they’d known each other their whole lives really, but then…maybe they met at the right time, with Judy coming to rescue her like fucking _Mary Poppins_.

_That smokes weed, obviously._

Then Judy had wanted, all but demanded really, to see any pictures Jen had. She knew she had to have more that herself, she’d seen some littered throughout the house and she sometimes found herself staring at the picture Jen keeps in her drawer of herself and her mon. Judy remembers the first time she’d walked in to the main house from the guest one and she’d seen a photograph of herself and the boys, framed and placed on the windowsill in the living room. She’d felt a throbbing in her stomach, didn’t know what to think, she knew that to Jen this was nothing but to her, it was _everything_. It was like that one photo cemented Judy in their lives forever, even if it wasn’t really.

Jen turns the page in the album on her lap. “Aww!” Judy coos and Jen immediately turns red, Judy leans forward to look closer at the mini blonde ballerina. She must have been about five or six, and she’s pictured on the bedroom floor, lipstick grasped in her hand and she’d clearly been trying to apply it to her lips because there’s a deep shade of red around her mouth and even across her teeth. Young Jen is smiling like she’s the best model and makeup artist on earth.

The photo of her mom and herself pops out on the next page. It must have been Christmas time, Jen wears a tinsel crown and there’s a Christmas tree in the background. It must have been taken when her mother was healthy, she’s got a full head of hair and a wide smile mirroring Jen’s.

Jen tilts her head to see Judy smiling softly at it, her chin resting on Jen’s shoulder, cuddled into her side. She sighs, “she would’ve loved you, you know.”

Judy settled in closer to her, moving her head to rest on Jen’s chests instead. “You’re mom?”

Jen nods and her chin hits Judy’s scarf, she leans forward to press a kiss against her forehead. “I wish you could have met her.”

“Me too.”

*

The last round of chemo is approaching as fast as Christmas is, the boys have already been asking to put up the decorations and of course Judy had joined them, _“come onnnn Jen, we can do everything you don’t even have to help!”_ Judy had said and then Jen had replied that she’d get the decorations from the attic after Judy’s last chemo session, and that had Judy looking forward to her appointment more than usual.

In the past she’d never really done Christmas decorations but she’d walked through malls with lights and Christmas trees and seen films with houses filled to the brim with Christmas ornaments, and she’s always dreamed of being able to decorate a tree since being young. Her mom had never bothered, they couldn’t really afford decorations so Judy had decorated the apple tree down the road, she’d carved ‘merry Christmas’ into the bark and stuck star stickers on that she’d made at school. Steve never cared for a tree either, he said the pine needles would be messy and Judy had automatically brushed the conversation to one side.

That’s why she’d practically jumped at the chance to help with their decorations this year when the boys had mentioned it, her first Christmas with her family, _the best Christmas._

Charlie fetches her from her last chemotherapy appointment, she wants to hope it’s her last _forever_ but she knows hope can burn, so she’s all wide smiles and chatter when she climbs into his car. She’d gotten a Christmas card with a small box of chocolates from one of the nurses, they’d shared the full packet on the drive home.

Jen’s already gotten the decorations out, when Judy walks in it’s like she’s stepping into a sea of Christmas decorations and boxes, spilling out into part of the hallway from the edge of the living room.

“Hey babe” Jen breezes over to place a welcome home kiss on Judy’s lips, as she does every day, and Judy leans into her warm mouth, meeting it with her own cold one. It’s freezing outside, and the chemo is heightening that, she may as well have icicles dripping from her nose.

“Hi!” Judy grins. “Well someone’s been busy…” She smirks as she takes her shoes off, then walks further into the living room. The chair beside the window has been moved to the other side, a big space left open for the tree to go. It’s a huge 8 footed one, Ted had never done anything by half’s, he’d picked out the biggest tree in the store. They’d used it every year and still it’s bristles are in perfect shape when Jen unpacks it.

“The boys hate this part,” Jen says, halfway through pulling out all the branches and unfolding them all.

Judy just joins her, going around the back to help and Jen smiles appreciatively, then she grabs the top half of the tree and sticks it on top of the middle section, the plastic middle rod inserting in the other one. It takes the two of them a lot less time than it usually did Jen by herself, Ted had always done the decorating but she’d been the one to actually make it decorate-able, and then she’d packed it all away afterwards alone. She has a feeling she won’t have to do it by herself this year though.

Once they’re done, the boys drag the boxes of tree decorations in from the hallway, there’s dozens. Judy finds herself going through each one before sticking it on the tree, taking extra care to look at the handmade ones from Henry and Charlie, she places them right on the front proudly. They hang ornaments on the tree with the Christmas cd playing as background music, Charlie gets embarrassed when he sees his little homemade Santa Clause ornament slat bang in the middle but when he sees Judy’s actions become hesitant, her face turning cautious as she hangs back on the decorating, he shrugs his shoulders and gives her a smile, it encourages her to carry on hanging decorations.

“Mom, can we have the gold star this year?” Henry asks when they’re practically finished decorating the body of the tree, Jen nods and takes it from the bag where it’s next to the silver one, they’d used mainly golden lights this year so it makes sense to use the matching star.

Jen holds it in her hand for a moment, looks at their almost finished tree, they’ve done a good job, she thinks. She turns to Judy then, who’s busy wrapping the unused lights back up to go in the box and holds out the star.

“Judy? Will you do the honours?” Jen asks with a soft smile, head nodding towards the top of the tree.

Judy’s jaw drops and she puts the lights in her arms down on the floor beside he. “Me? Really?”

Jen nods and pushes the star towards her, Judy takes it and slowly walks around to the front of the tree. She reaches up and stands on her tiptoes, her arms stretch as far as they can but she’s definitely too small.

“Oh,” Jen rushes round to her side. “Come here,” She shakes her head and grabs the bottom of Judy’s knees to heave her up higher, Judy can’t get the star on for giggling and Charlie comes round to steady Judy, placing his hands around her waist to hold her still.

“Okay! Done!”

Jen sets Judy down and the latter presses a quick kiss to a slightly sweaty forehead with a grin.

“It looks perfect!” Henry beams, and beckons them to come and stand with him.

“Yeah, it does” Jen says taking it in, the tree looks the best it ever has, and she’s just glad Judy was a part of that.

“Could we take a picture?” Judy asks, holding her phone in her hand ready.

They agree, and Charlie puts her phone on a box and balances it on the couch, setting a ten second timer and telling them to be ready. They stand in front of the tree, Henry on his knees in front, Charlie beside Judy, Jen with her arm wrapped around Judy. When she sees the photo afterwards, Judy knows that next year, they’ll have it as a painting, and her heart flutters at the reminder that _yeah, she’s sticking around_.

*

Jen panics by the time the week before Christmas Day comes, because it’s only 7 days away and she still hadn’t gotten a present for Judy.

_What do you give to a woman who deserves everything in the fucking world?_

She’s got Charlie and Henry’s presents sorted, they’d asked for a lot this year and Judy had chipped in to get at least half of them with the money she’d still got saved from her paintings. It’d been easy because they’d wrote lists, ‘to Santa’ from Henry and Charlie had just texted his, the main thing on his list being a new 3D TV for his room which Judy sorted for him, Jen was grateful because she has no clue about technology or anything.

Jen’s wrote down her ideas on a post it note, all she has so far is a necklace, _which ew, cliché,_ some paint shit but he’s already gotten enough craft stuff, and a family photo printed out; the one they took in front of the tree but she thinks it’s too simple, and besides they have loads of photographs dotted around the house already, so…

She’s truly stuck.

Jen thinks of everything they’ve been through together, everything they’ve done and everything they’ve survived, she can’t believe how different her life is now compared to this time last year. Work isn’t her second or third priority anymore, with her life embedded fully into her family, she thinks, _no,_ she _knows_ Judy made that happen. For the first time she’s actually really looking forward to Christmas, it’ll be spent with the people she loves instead of with Ted’s family at Lorna’s with a load of other family members she didn’t even know. She wants to make it the best Christmas because it’ll be Judy’s first of many with them, and when Judy climbs into bed after her long shower, an idea pops into her head for Judy’s gift and won’t leave her mind all night.

It’s still on her mind in the morning, and when Judy’s out of the room she looks at some options online, she makes note on her phone of a couple of places nearby she can quickly pop to later on and then quickly deletes all of her tabs before Judy comes out of the bathroom asking what she wants for breakfast.

*

“I’m heading out,” Jen yells from the hallway, voice laboured from heaving her boots.

“Huh?” Judy yells back, and Jen can hear her slippers padding on the floor as she makes her way towards her.

“I’m just heading out to the um, grocery store,” Jen points towards the door and then drops her hands.

“But we went like a few days ago? We can’t have gone through everything already” Judy says, and then she heads out into the living room for some reason, giving Jen a few seconds to square her face and take a breath.

“I know, um…I was going to grab some more gifts for the boys,” Jen whispers the last part, Charlie and Henry are sat next door playing the Wii, so she covers her hand to be double sure they can’t hear her.

“Oh! Gotcha” Judy winks and clicks her tongue, “I’ll just grab my shoes and I can come with.”

“No!”

Judy shakes her head once, confused.

“You can’t,” Jen states, busying herself with grabbing her coat and shrugging it over her shoulders. It’s her big, puffy one, hopefully it’ll keep out the cold winds whirling outside, they’re definitely well into winter, and just in time for Christmas. For Judy’s sake, and the boys’, she kinda hopes it snows for the big day.

“I feel fine Jen I-“

“No, but um…you need to stay here with the boys, I have um-“ _Shit, Judy’s gonna know she’s lying forfucksake._ “A parcel coming and I don’t want one of them to answer the door because it may or may not be Charlie’s _tv_ ” The last word is practically hissed and Judy nods firmly.

“I see,” Judy smirks, as if loving being in on the secret, _the tv isn’t actually coming for another two days so she hopes Judy doesn’t check where the parcel is online_.

“Good,” Jen nods with a flash of a smile.

_Fuck she hates lying. But this lie is for a good reason._

So, she places a chaste kiss to Judy’s lips, and strokes her cheek once before shouting bye to the boys and bracing the brisk winds of December.

*

Silver?

… _Gold?_

No. Silver.

_Rhinestones or plain?_

_Fuck._

“Can I help you Miss?”

Jen snaps her head up, straightening her posture from her previously bent position while scanning her eyes over the sea of diamonds, each one appealing to her in some way.

_It’s whether they appeal to Judy, that’s what matters._

“Huh?”

“You’ve been starting at these for almost a half hour, can I help with anything? Do you have any idea of what your looking for?” He says, the tag on his short reads ‘Richard’, and Jen has to contain the urge to reply ‘ _well sorry for taking half an hour to decide the ring that I want to put on my fucking future wife’s finger for the rest of her life, and if I had an idea I’d have found it by now and left’_.

Instead, she takes a calming deep breath and smiles. “I’m looking for something that’s subtle, but something still as ya know…” Jen shrugs, “fucking amazing as all the flashy ones.”

Richard nods, then beckons with his hand for her to follow to the front of the store. “There are these ones, quite minimalist since they don’t have a stone…” He points at a few behind the glass, they’re fairly plain, with gold and silver square rhinestones going half the way round. Jen nods along, they’re a bit plain she thinks, Judy deserves something a bit more _‘out there’_. “These ones are able to be engraved, if that’s something your interested in, there are some three stone rings right here…” He points to some on the shelf above, but for some reason Jen’s eyes are fixed on this gorgeous ring in the middle row.

“Do you mind if I take a look at this one?”

“Of course, I’ll go grab the key, join me at the front desk?” Richard says, striding over into the back room of the store as Jen follows and rests her hands on the high desk at the front of the store. She suddenly panics because _fuck_ _she doesn’t know Judy’s ring size,_ so she’s going to have to _fucking guess_. Her hands are dainty, she’d seen as much when she paints, soft little feathery brushstrokes created by her small fingers, and obviously she’d, well… _felt them_ in more places than one. She clears her throat and then Richard comes backtrack through.

“Here we are,” He hands her the box and she opens it, carefully taking the ring out and examining it between her fingers.

It is beautiful. On the top side of the ring, the diamonds are woven into an infinity symbol, joining together with a perfect sized rock that glints in the light.

And, well, it’s the one.

*

Judy wraps the coat further around herself, it’s Jen coat actually, since she literally had no winter ones at all, she usually didn’t feel the cold, and Laguna beach is almost never that so she’d never needed one. Now though, with a sheet of snow spread over the ground and piled on top of the cars, she hugs the hot water bottle Jen had handed her before they’d left the house this morning and shuffles further inside the already oversized coat. Her immune system wasn’t as strong as it was before she had chemotherapy, and Jen’s a little overprotective of Judy incase she catches a cold or flu, but she doesn’t mind in the slightest. It’s quite adorable actually, she fights the urge to smile whenever Jen feels her forehead and takes her hand to make sure she’s not too cold because Jen worrying is not just a check in every now and then, it’s like a voice inside her is scratching at her and forcing her to keep a watchful eye on Judy every second of every day. She flaps and floats around her, cheeks flushed and hair frazzled in…well, panic Judy assumes. She doesn’t point it out to her though, because she can imagine Jen’s reaction, probably a lot of huffing and then closing in on herself, and she definitely doesn’t want her to do that.

So, if Jen hovers around her and keeps ghosting her arm around her waist as they walk to the park incase she falls or feels dizzy-Henry and Charlie up in front kicking snow every now and then-then she’ll smile and be grateful that she’s found the one person in the world that cares about her more than anything else.

“Oops!”

“Charlie!!”

“I’m sorry it was meant to hit you not Judy!”

Judy brushes the show down the coat, wiggles out of Jen’s arm and crouches down.

“Fuck Charlie-“

“I’m sorry- AH!”

A sudden belt of snow hits his chest, he looks up, away from arguing with his mother and finds Judy smirking there with snow covered gloves, wiping them together smugly.

Jen turns to her, _damn she has good aim_.

Judy giggles and throws another one at Henry, it hits his lap and he quickly scrambles to roll some snow and throw it back. At Jen this time, and the snow hitting her makes her jaw clamp shut from its previously gaped position.

“Oh! You’ve got snow on your nose,” Judy steps forward, “let me get that,” and she takes her glove off to brush the speckle of white on the end of Jen’s nose, Jen shivers under her surprisingly warm hands and then she’s screaming for a different reason entirely when Judy dumps a load of snow down her back.

“Oh my god-“ Jen’s tone is high, her breath hitching as the snow slides down her skin, she wiggles her coat to try and let it fall out as quickly as possible.

The boys are laughing and Judy clasps a hand over her mouth to try and contain her laughter.

“Fuck I will get you back for that,” Jen moves to find a wad of snow she can use to build a snowball while Henry grabs Judy’s hand to run further down the street. Charlie follows and Jen finds herself watching them jog together, laughing about something and looking over their shoulder for her attacking snowballs.

She swallows, thinks _if the world were to end now, she wouldn’t be mad._ With her family’s happiness the last thing she’d see, Charlie’s laugh echoing down the road, Henry tugging Judy along by his hand and Judy; the parent they’d never known they’d needed.

*

Christmas Eve is one filled with gift wrapping, meal preparing and movie watching. ‘Noelle’ is playing on tv and each of them are drinking hot chocolate with marshmallows and whipped cream. Blankets drape over each of them, Judy’s snuggled into Jen’s side as she watched the film with a wide smile, laughing every so often at the jokes, that’s one thing Jen finds fucking _annoying_ yet _absolutely endearing_ at the same time. Judy’s a very attentive tv or movie watcher, she invests her whole being into that half hour or two hour long story playing out on screen, she feels for the characters and tries to give the ‘villain’ characters the benefit of the doubt, a bit like she’d done with Jen herself, she reckons.

A plate of cookies and milk are left out before Henry heads to bed, Charlie plays along and grabs a carrot for the reindeers, he rolls his eyes to Judy when Henry’s back is turned and Judy just gives him a stern look and widens her eyes.

Henry heads up to bed after saying goodnight to them all, he doesn’t even wait for either of them to go up and tuck him in, and Jen feels a swell in her chest at the fact that he’s getting older. She sees Judy deflate a little as well and feels she’s gonna have a talk with her at some point about how Henry will start pushing them both away and acting like a 20 year old within no time, just like Charlie did. It’ll probably the last year he leaves cookies and milk out for ‘Santa’, and Jen cherishes drinking the milk and eating only half of the cookie, because ‘Santa is very busy’. Judy takes the carrot back and rips the leaves off of the end, placing them next to the plate.

“I can’t believe I ever thought that shit was real” Charlie says while filling a glass of water and downing it in one. He wipes his mouth on his jumper and dumps the glass in the sink.

“Hey remember when you used to write him letters?” Jen gasps and wears a teasing smile.

“Shhh…” Charlie palms his forehead and turns around, “night,” then heads up stairs.

Judy grins, “aww, it’s so nice that Henry believes in Santa still don’t you think?”

“Yeah he’s gonna freak when he finds out,” Jen says, making a move to turn the lights off in the kitchen. “Will you help bring the boys’ presents down?”

“Sure!”

They make three trips in total upstairs, one is just to bring Charlie’s television down. It’s so obviously a tv, but it’s still wrapped up anyway with a huge red gift tag on the front. Henry’s side is definitely more weighty than Charlie’s, and Judy spends time making sure each present has a name tag on and is on the right side, Henry’s on the left of the tree, Charlie’s on the right. There’s a few in the middle, joint presents from ‘Santa’ and then some they’d gotten each other. Jen’s only gotten Judy a few things and compared to Judy’s pile for her, there may as well not be anything there. The small box sticks out in her dressing gown pocket as a reminder that tomorrow may just be the one of the _best days of her fucking life._

_Or the worst if Judy says no._

*

“Moms!”

They’re awoken by small hands shaking each of their shoulders, Jen’s first before moving to Judy’s. Jen’s face turns back into the pillow and she shoves at Henry’s hands lightly.

“Is it that time already boop?” Jen asks, sleep lacing her throat so it cracks a little.

“Yes come on! I wanna see if he’s been,” Henry says, his excitement turns into little bounces on the bed which rocks Judy awake.

“Go get Charlie and we’ll be right there,” Judy says with a wide smile, eyes still half closed but the enthusiasm is there nonetheless.

They hear Henry burst into Charlie’s room, and Charlie yelling at Henry to leave him to sleep for a little longer but then the sound of his door opening and creaking closed forces the two of them to get out of bed themselves. Jen takes a look at her clock on her phone with a groan.

“6am really?”

“He’s excited,” Judy reasons, yawning and then standing up to grab her robe.

Jen nods, clambering up to do the same. She reaches inside of the pocket and palms at the small box inside, she doesn’t know when she’s going to do it, maybe when they’re opening presents but that’s like _soon_ as she doesn’t know if she’s ready, maybe over dinner? Or later when they’re making cookies and she could slip one inside the batter and give Judy the baked cookie? Judy would love that. She realises Judy’s been calling her name and she snaps her head.

“…Jen!”

“Huh?”

Judy walks over and takes her hand. “Did you notice?”

Jen shrugs. “Notice what?”

“Henry said moms… _plural_ ” Judy says with a giddy tone, bouncing on the spot a little.

“Course he did, that’s exactly what you are babe…” Jen says like it’s nothing, but she notes it’s _everything_ to Judy. Truthfully she knew it wouldn’t be long before the name came into use, especially with Henry, he’s seen Judy as a second mom from the start. She sighs contentedly at the thought. “Merry Christmas,” Jen says, voice low and husky from sleep and it makes Judy feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Jen leans down to press a kiss on awaiting lips, they mould against each other and Judy melts into her, pulling back after a few minutes to rest her forehead against Jen’s.

“Merry Christmas!” She whispers excitedly. She goes in for another kiss, Jen opens her mouth immediately and captures Judy’s warm morning breath that somehow still tastes like the cinnamon she’d had on her hot chocolate the night before.

Their bedroom door opens then and Charlie grumbles, “seriously!”

Jen shakes her head, pulling back from the kiss. “Just spreading the Christmas cheer Char,” Jen teases, then tugs on Judy’s hand to pull her out of the door.

“Finally,” Henry mutters under his breath. He’s running downstairs before Judy can tell him to be careful and not to trip on the stairs he’s just accelerated down, and then he’s gasping at the gift filled living room with a happy smile.

“You got me a tv!!” Charlie exclaims, heading over to the largest box in the room to unwrap it.

“I mean no it could be like a picture frame or something…” Judy teases and Charlie shakes his head fondly, busy taking the paper off with rough tugs to delicate paper. It’s open instantly and he gawks upon it, taking a look at the back and the buttons, and then bending down to see the screen.

“Thanks it’s awesome!”

“Welcome babe” Jen grins.

Henry goes over to have a look too, taking the remote from Charlie to see the controls.

“Let’s pause this for a sec, I need coffee,” Jen says, and Henry starts whining but she heads out of the room before he can answer.

Judy touches his shoulder gently, “we’ll be right back then you can open all your presents,” and Henry nods, going over to turn the Christmas tree lights on because it’s still pitch black. He treads carefully over the gifts and sits down on the floor between his gifts, ready to tear them all open.

…

“This is so cool!” Henry says. In his hands is a gift Judy had picked out for him, a retro arcade game, she’d seen him looking at the ones in RED 5 Gravity in the mall whenever they went and had told Jen to pick one up a few weeks ago. Turns out it was a good choice on her behalf and Jen side eyes her with a smile.

“Let’s see,” Charlie says and Henry hands it him, there’s already batteries inside so they have a few games each on the device trying to beat each other.

“Here,” Jen nudges Judy from her position on the floor, her back rests against the couch where Judy’s sat, occasionally she runs a hand down her back or threads fingers through messy morning hair, Jen leans into every touch.

Judy takes the rectangular shaped gift and reads the tag, ‘To Judy, from Santa ;)’. “Wow! And here’s me thinking Santa only gave children gifts,” she laughs and carefully unwraps the present. Of course she’d unwrap presents like it was the most delicate thing on earth, unfolding each layer and looking upset when the paper rips too much, Jen forces herself not to shake her shoulders and tell her to _rip the fucker open already._

“Aw!” Judy coos, it’s a journal type notepad that Jen must have personalised as it reads ‘Judy Hale’s !’ with hearts on the front in cursive writing and Judy pokes Jen’s cheek, “softie” she teases and flicks quickly through the pages with her fingers. “Thank you,” She says appreciatively, squeezing Jen’s shoulder and putting the journal amongst their other presents. She gets onto all fours matching the boys and pulls a couple more presents out, “from Christopher,” she reads and hands Jen one gift while unwrapping the other.

They spend around half an hour unwrapping presents and cards, sharing with each other what they’re gifted. Henry gets particularly excited over his art and crafts set, Charlie’s smitten with the tv and Lorna had bought him a new game for his PlayStation that he was glad about. Jen’s pile from Judy consists of new pyjamas, “ _you always wear t-shirts to bed”_ she’d said when Jen had unwrapped them, a lovely collection of wine as well as a wine making kit, _“it’ll be fun! We can do it together!_ ”, and some other basics; chocolate, body lotion, perfume… and so on. Jen had gotten her new canvases because she was always complaining that she didn’t have enough, probably because she went through them so fast, a dress that had screamed ‘Judy’ when Jen had saw it displayed in the window while looking for the boys’ gifts, a signed autograph from Gordon Ramsay, it was a joke between the two of them and when Judy had opened it she’d cackled before throwing her arms around Jen.

Her main present still poked into her thigh when ever she moved, as if it was telling her to ask, _now or never._ But by the time they were dressed for the day, Judy in her new dress, it lay in her pocket tormenting her, she’d moved it from her dressing gown one to her blazer.

Lorna calls over to see the boys in the morning but she’s heading to her Ted’s cousins? (honestly she has no clue) for Christmas lunch. She brings wine and Jen thanks her before handing over a bag with a few gifts in, “from all of us.” Lorna raises her eyebrows and smiles the first proper smile Jen’s probably ever seen, “Merry Christmas” Lorna says and then she’s gone.

Jen pours wine for her and Judy, _so what if it’s only noon_. Judy moans as the liquid runs down her throat, “I almost forgot what real wine tasted like,” she says, it’s her first proper drink since finishing chemotherapy and she feels lightheaded the second it hits her.

“Careful, you were a lightweight before so…” Jen raises her eyebrows with a smirk.

“Hey!” Judy slaps her shoulder. “I was not.”

“Were too.”

“No I was-“ Judy’s cut off with a kiss, Jen’s lips now coated with a layer of red from Judy’s lips. She licks the traces of wine off with a wink thrown Judy’s way. Judy walks towards her, backing Jen into the kitchen counter, her arms at either side of Jen invisibly pining her in place. Jen feels the box hit the counter, _she could do it now._ She looks up into Judy’s eyes, her nose red and cheeks flushed already from the small bit of wine she’s had.

“I love you,” Judy says, bringing on hand to Jen’s waist under her blazer, thumb tracing small circles there.

“Judes,” Jen takes both of Judy’s hands in hers and stands upright, “I-“

“Mom! Where’s my Christmas jumper?”

_Fuck._

“I’ll go,” Judy tells her, taking another sip of wine before she goes.

Jen sighs, hand going inside her pocket to pull out the box. She opens it, as if checking the ring one last time.

“Oh my god…”

She snaps the box shut, “Charlie,” and then shoved it back in her pocket, rubbing her hands together as if it was never there in the first place.

“Was that-“

“No,”

“…are you gonna-“

“Yes,” Jen sighs, waving her hand for him to come closer. “I mean-“

“About fucking time” He says.

“Huh?”

“Just do it already mom, and stop thinking so much.”

“You’re like, okay with it then?” Jen asks, voice dipping a little nervously.

“Are you actually asking me that right now?” Charlie scoffs. “Yes I’m fucking okay with it but-“

“Hey I found Henry’s jumper and came across yours Charlie, if you wanted to wear it?” Judy buts in then, forcing them to zip their mouths shut. She waltzes in holding up a reindeer jumper, he’d only wore it for non school uniform day and vowed never to wear it again, the material was itchy and it felt like he was walking around wearing a ball of hay.

“I’m good, but thanks…” he takes the jumper from Judy and then heads out of the kitchen, mouthing ‘ask her’ to Jen before leaving.

*

Snow starts falling around 3pm, Jen’s well into preparing their Christmas dinner and she’s definitely stressing about it. She’s forgotten to turn the oven on so everything’s taking an extra half hour, luckily the boys and Judy are outside in the snow. The sight of them in the snow filled garden through the kitchen window spurs her on, she finds herself watching them all as she cuts the carrots, she almost cut her finger though so she quickly turns her attention back to the food.

Dinner is served around 5pm, it’s more of a combined lunch and dinner with the amount of food Jen’s manage to make. They pull crackers before and during the meal, and Judy pops a paper crown on her head that she wears all the way through dinner. It should feel like somethings missing, she thinks, it being the first Christmas without Ted, but as she carves the turkey and sets the Christmas pudding alight after, she doesn’t miss him at all. Honestly she doesn’t think the boys are either. She’d pictured spending Christmasses and birthdays without Ted and this was not what she’d pictured, she can only imagine what they’d be like if Judy hadn’t strolled into their lives.

*

The boys are upstairs setting Charlie’s tv up, Jen had offered to help but _let’s be honest she hasn’t got a fucking clue._ Charlie had basically confirmed exactly that when he’d scoffed and shook his head no. So, it’s just her and Judy now, sat on the couch amongst the gifts scattered on the floor, the tables and the dining room table. Neither had been bothered to clear up, it’s Christmas _after all_.

“Jen?”

“Yeah?”

They talk quietly over the Home Alone playing in the background.

“Thanks for…giving me the best Christmas ever” Judy turns to her with a smile.

They’re sat at opposite ends of the couch, each facing the other with their backs resting against the arm, legs tangled between them as they’re stretched out under the blanket.

“Thank you, for the same”

Judy grins, turning back to the tv.

Jen watches Kevin get from the house to the tree house, sliding along the washing line to make his escape. A leap of faith. _God she wishes she was brave enough to take it._ She feels Judy’s hand start massaging her socked feet mindlessly.

_It’s now or never._

“Judy,” She whispers, _maybe she won’t hear her and she still has time to think of everything she wants to say to convince this woman to say yes to staying with her forever._

“Mhm?”

_Fuck._

_Deep breaths, Jen._

“I have another gift for you,” Jen starts, “well I hope it’s a gift, I hope you like it I mean-“ she trails off, she’s rambling and she knows it, and Judy sits up straight, crossing her legs and clearly the woman across from her knows it too.

_Of course she knows she can read you like a fucking book._

“I don’t know how to say this,” She shuffles in her seat, “you know I’m not good with words or anything like that…”

Judy frowns. “Take your time,” she says, confused nonetheless but still reassuring.

_Fucking angel on earth._

“Since you walked into my life, well, fucking budged your way in there…” she scoffs a laugh, “you’ve changed everything, you’ve literally turned my life upside down and at first I didn’t have a fucking clue what to do about it…”

“Okay…?”

“Ssh, please,” Jen puts a finger on Judy’s lips, “let me finish.”

Judy nods her head.

“Judy you are, the most _amazing_ , gorgeous person I’ve ever fucking met, and I wish you saw yourself as I see you, how the boys see you… This life we’ve created, it’s just-“ _fuck. “_ everything I never knew I wanted.” She feels tears sting her eyes and thinks she needs to get this over with before she looses her nerve. “I love you, so much, I-and, you’re my world now Judes, and I can’t imagine being without you ever so…”

Jen swallows and reaches a hand into her pocket, clutching the box like it’s a lifeline. She holds it out to Judy, sees her take a deep breath and stare down at the box, and before she can think about backing down her mouth opens and the words “will you be my wife?” Spill out.

Judy watches as Jen opens the box, inside is a ring that glistens beautifully even in the dim light of the living room. Her hands tremble as she waits for an answer. And Judy shakes her head, feels tears running down her face.

_Oh, Jen._

“Course I will…” It comes out as barely a whisper, the lump in her throat refuses to budge as more tears fall. Her eyes meet Jen’s and she smiles widely.

“Huh?”

“Yes!”

“Yeah?”

“Yes! Oh my god,” Judy clutches Jen’s face, hand caressing her warm cheeks.

Jen breaks out into a smile, tears flood her face and she looks like a slobbering mess but she couldn’t care less. _The woman she loves has just agreed to fucking marry her._

“Oh!” Judy exclaims tearfully as Jen slips the ring on her finger.

“Do you like it?” Jen asks, voice wavering in anticipation.

“It’s beautiful!” Judy holds her hand out and admired the rock on her finger. “But honestly you could’ve gotten a Harribo part ring and I’d have still said yes.”

Laughter erupts between the two of them, and then they’re kissing and tugging on each other’s clothes, and before they know it they’re facing upstairs into their bedroom.

“Merry Christmas baby.”


End file.
